breaking: bonadouche

as if an entire reality show devoted to the travails of an utterly charmless danny bonaduce wasn't enough, now VH1 has created it's own special brand of network-endorsed child abuse. hosted by the erstwhile partridge, I Know My Kid's a Star pits a gaggle of tweens against each other -- and their own parents -- to determine who's got enough "it factor" to become the next child star.

best part of the show's debut: an unfortunate lass is so nervous upon meeting bonaduce and the other contestants in the beginning of the show that she pukes into the bushes. your heart breaks for the girl. and while some might argue this is only a natural reaction to meeting bonaduce in the fleshy-flesh, clearly it's the most accurate review the show will ever get.

instead of delighting in the ridiculous behavior of the parents -- like the pressuring, porny stage mom Rocky who is clearly showboating vicariously through her nervous wreck of a daughter -- you find yourself fighting the impulse to call child protective services. there is good cringe-inducing TV and very, very bad cringe-inducing TV. while bonaduce, of all people, says he wants to help kids avoid the dangerous emotional and chemical pitfalls of child stardom, here he seems determined to drive these tykes straight to Lohan-ville. only, you know, without the stardom part. stay classy, VH1!

didn't anyone at the network see the sad-but-funny-because-it's-true headless britney episode of southpark? have we learned nothing?!