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Saturday, March 10, 2007

knee bone's connected to the high tibial osteotomy and medial meniscal allograft

for those of you who have dutifully been keeping score at home (which means you, mom) ... you know that tuesday is the day that i am scheduled to have my Incredibly Nasty Knee Surgery. yes, that's right: after a year of waiting for good dead-guy meniscus, they have apparently found me a match. and so they're gonna cut daddy open, shave down his arthritic bone and slip dead-dude tissue inside me.

and if only i weren't about to find myself in so much horrible pain, here's what i'd say about it: AWESOME.

seriously, think about it: Dead Man's Knee. if the meniscus donor was a big-time baller, i'll be able to dunk now! finally! do you know the torture of being 6'3" and nowhere near able to dunk? i'm lucky if i can get far enough off the ground to step over the homeless man who sleeps in front of my house. it's terrible! or, like, what if my meniscus donor was a super hot vaguely european pansexual? maybe i'll become suddenly irresistible to anyone who makes accidental eye contact with my knee! maybe through my knobbiest of joints i will become some kind of SEX MONSTER! or what if my new meniscus belonged to an evil-genius plotting some crazy international lemur-smuggling scheme and suddenly i'll wake up to find that my knee is a bajillionaire with 12 secret swiss bank accounts in the cayman islands?!!! how will i be able to access all that sweet swiss-cayman loot?

anyway. you can see how complicated, yet awesome, knee surgery can get.

but nothing is quite as complicated as this: my surgeon, Dr. Hot, gave me a ring on friday ... two business days before he was scheduled to slice half of all my knees open. he said "hey mr nice guy. so, i know it's been a year since you were supposed to have this surgery and all ... and i know that you're supposed to have it on tuesday. but here's something funny: there's this new way of doing the procedure which is totally great. i think i want to do it on you. but here's the rub: it would require that you have TWO surgeries over the next two months and, oh yeah, i've only practiced this on two people before. but it's really neat. so. does that sound cool?"

i replied, rather cogently given the circumstances: "uhhhhhhhhhhhh."

he said: "no really, the surgery you are currently scheduled to have is probably the most painful surgery we do. it's way more painful than a total knee replacement." (for those of you still keeping score at home, mom: i've been slated for a high tibial osteotomy and a medial meniscus allograft.)

i said: "uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. i've been waiting for a year and you're telling me this two business days before surgery?"

he said: "think about it."

so i called my dad, pater nice guy. el padre happens to be an orthopedic surgeon (he's also the guy who recommended i see Dr. Hot in the first place, but we'll let that slide ... FOR NOW). i told him: "so Dr. Hot wants me to have this other type of surgery, IN TWO FUCKING INSTALLMENTS because he was talking to some friend that recommended it. and now instead of having the MOST PAINFUL SURGERY OF ALL TIME, he wants me to have two merely "very painful" surgieries A MONTH APART, thereby extending my recovery period by AT LEAST TWO MONTHS. by the way, in case you were wondering, i actually am kind of fond of being able to walk and this is very not cool with me."

so pater nice guy, super-hero-in-scrubs that he is, calls Dr. Hot and lays some jedi surgeon wisdom on him: "um, i don't think this new surgery is the surgery my son needs." Dr. Hot replies: "now that i think about it, you're right. he will get the surgery we planned all along." my dad said "very good."

there you have it. we're back where we started: i am still having the exact same Incredibly Nasty Knee Surgery on tuesday. only now i am much less secure in this decision.

even though it clearly has ceased to matter, here is my take on the operation: why the hell is this guy calling me like three days before surgery to tell me he has a new idea about the procedure i need ... even though i was supposed to have it A YEAR AGO? should i be worried that he was trying to talk me out of the original surgery by telling me that it's the "most painful" surgery he does? after all, that's the surgery i am once again scheduled to have. finally: how old do you have to be before you don't feel like a 7-year-old girl when Daddy calls your doctor to rip him a new asshole?

for those good souls among you feeling inclined to leave comments, please don't tell me that i need to cancel this surgery or find a new doctor. that's not what i need. thank you, though. i have decided to forge ahead with this. what i do need, however, is a lifetime supply of vicodin and whiskey. and a big fat pile of swiss-cayman loot wouldn't hurt either.


Blogger momily-san said...

Good luck, MNG. Here's to a speedy, vicodin-fueled recovery.

3/11/2007 1:28 AM  
Anonymous monkeyaker said...

My aunt had her hip replaced twice with titanium joints. The second time, she kept the old titanium joint and it is now a piece of "art" on her coffee table.

Maybe you could keep your old meniscus in a jar by the TV. And name it. Maybe "Indugu."

3/11/2007 3:04 AM  
Anonymous Weeze said...

You kidding me? My dad was an HR badass back when they still called it Personnel. I'm 38 and I still call him all the time when there's anything I have to negotiate. Use your father. Use him. Just remember your daughter will still be doing the same thing to you forty years from now.

(Oh, and as someone with hip dysplasia, yes, walking is a nice thing to be able to do. Get well soon.)

3/11/2007 8:48 AM  
Blogger Sheri said...

Thank God for daddy. Sounds like Dr. Hot wants a new boat or perhaps a European vacation. Best of luck with the surgery and recovery. Hope the vicodin keeps on flowing--just watch it or you'll be bloggin from rehab and that'd suck. We'll all be thinking bout you.

3/11/2007 2:30 PM  
Anonymous sallyacious said...

You know, the surgery may be painful, but in a relatively short period of time, you won't have the pain you've been living with all this time.

Are you staying awake for the surgery? I did for my ACL replacement. Had a very interesting conversation with my anesthesiologist about contact lenses.

3/11/2007 2:45 PM  
Blogger Lesley said...

Better not to be at the beginning of that learning curve, I say.
Sweet dreams.

3/11/2007 6:13 PM  
Anonymous Laura said...

Oh, man, now you got me so worried. I wish you a smooth and successful surgery and a speedy recovery. Not religious, but I'll say a little prayer for you.

3/12/2007 12:39 AM  
Blogger barbara said...

feel better soon Mr.Nice.Guy! and try not to worry -- you're gonna get like, a bucket-full of painkillers.

3/12/2007 5:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How the the open house go next door? Any takers yet? Have you seen it inside? Can we live next to you?

You might just come home from surgery to find the house next door sold to someone likable.

3/12/2007 7:30 PM  
Anonymous Samantha Jo Campen said...

I have two things:

1) Good luck and hope all goes well.

2) Please don't post any gross pictures of the surgery/incision/recovery, etc. For I will vomit and we just got a new laptop. The hubby would kill me.

3/12/2007 9:09 PM  
Blogger cape buffalo said...

Don't listen to Samantha, I really want to see the pictures. I have hubby's Achilles slice and dice photos on my desktop. Also, ouch. The husband is 2 weeks post surgery and he still looks like a turtle whose been flipped over. Can you score some drugs from your neighbor?

Seriously--best of luck to you.

3/12/2007 10:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lots of Luck.

Heal quickly cause I cant WAIT for more NIce GUy!!!!

3/12/2007 11:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Skip the whiskey.. get some good weed.

3/13/2007 12:12 AM  
Anonymous damian said...

good luck with the recovery - i hope it goes well and the pain is manageable.

good luck with the new neighbours - i hope that they have one or more of the following:
- a hot wife
- kids you'd want your kids to be friends with, and
- taste, a sense of humor and dignity.

3/13/2007 12:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Many years ago, when I was young, I went through several incompetent dental/orthodontic types before finally finding a decent orthodontist who knew what to do with my mouth. It was too late for just braces, he said - I'd need removal of several teeth, braces, and surgery in which my lower jaw would be broken and re-set. He sketched out a detailed plan that I then followed for more than a year. Impacted wisdom teeth and a few other teeth removed? Check. Braces? Check. Headgear? Check. My mouth was thoroughly overhauled and remodeled. This is the work that most of the people who got veneers on "Extreme Makeover: Plastic Surgery Edition" SHOULD have gotten.

And then, about 72 hours before the surgery was scheduled to take place, the Wonderful Orthodontist said, "You know, you show an awful lot of gum when you smile. If we break your upper jaw and move it up during the surgery, we can fix that!"

And then I had to go home and convince my father, Dr. "No Unnecessary Surgery!", that I needed to have *this* done as well. I think I actually said that if he really loved me, he'd allow me to have it. I cringe at the memory, but it worked. Years later I found out that my parents' reluctance stemmed in part from the fact that the short notice didn't give them any time to convince their insurance company to cover this part of the surgery, so they paid out of pocket for that part specifically. What IS it with the otherwise competent medical professionals and the last-minute changes/additions? (But my parents, they are spectacular.)

Happy ending: My mouth/teeth look great, especially the non-gummy smile. I predict that your knee will turn out swimmingly as well.

3/16/2007 1:39 AM  
Anonymous Sunil said...

The use of high tibial osteotomy (HTO) in Orthopaedic surgery has been well documented in the literature for many years. In general, this procedure has been performed in the setting of symptomatic unicompartmental arthrosis associated with coronal plane malalignment and in a stable knee.

2/28/2017 5:36 AM  
Blogger Aditi Corporation said...

A high tibial osteotomy is generally considered a method of prolonging the time before a knee replacement is necessary because the benefits typically fade after eight to ten years.
Total Knee Replacement in Bangalore | Total Hip Replacement in Bangalore

10/04/2017 5:02 AM  

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