the super special ultra-exclusive mr nice guy xmas-mix stocking-stuffed getdown

first off, my private dancers, an apology. i am not as all bah-humbuggish as my last post would have intimated. i just thought the video was funny--and, i mean, at the end of the proverbial day, burning charlie brown at the stake? kind of awesome. but regardless, i do love me some xmas in my own atheist-with-three-jewish-grandparents sort of way. bottom line: the other day i was grumpy with faulty/stubborn technology. i had crafted FOR YOU, my cuttlefish, a christmas mix of epic proportions; an assemblage of tunes that would have had no less a personage than our saviour too busy toe-tappin' to come back a second time ... but i have since been repeatedly thwarted from streaming the audio on this very site. it was to have been my gift to you, readers.

but, in a way, it still is, dearlings! only, tonight i give you the songs one lugubrious link at a time. download them, listen to them, love them. right-click them, save them, caress them. (then, per the RIAA, delete them and forget you ever heard them; destroy your hard drive in a burning sacrificial pyre and throw your computer into a vat of acid and then burn down your house and liquidate your assets and give them all to the various aggrieved artists labels.)

with that music-sharing caveat in mind ... here we go with the first annual super special ultra-exclusive mr nice guy xmas-mix stocking-stuffed getdown!

Early on One Christmas Morn by The Cottontop Sanctified Singers: get off on the good Christmas foot and getchoself sanctified, peoples!
Jingle Bells by Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass: wait through the boring vocal intro to get to the peppy, jazzy and toothpaste-fresh reimagining of this carol in the way that only Mr. Whipped Cream and Other Delights could conceive.
Soulful Christmas by James Brown: admit it, you've always wondered what it was like around JB's "soulful Christmas tree." the best present of all? that James Brown loves you, you lucky so-and-so. says as much himself. also, did you dig that freakin' fatback beat?? (thank you, clyde, funkiest santa ever.)
Back Door Santa by Clarence Carter: the man who would later bless us with "Strokin'" provides this excellent un-Christmas Christmas song. this Santa comes much more frequently than once a year. he also provided a certain pioneering Queens-based rap trio with the hook for "Christmas in Hollis." (ah, Jam Master Jay, you are missed)
Last Month of the Year by the Tarbox Ramblers: i can't speak for you, but i certainly know what month my Jesus was born in. (sidenote: we almost had these dudes play at our wedding. it is my only regret in life that we did not.)
Silent Night, Holy Night by John Fahey: enigmatic shaman Fahey puts a delta blues accent on this carol. gorgeous.
Violent Night by Afroman: "silent night, police light/stop the engine, keep your hands in sight ..." a little seasonal satire. i mean, who hasn't spent xmas blunted in the county pen?
Christmas Time's A'Coming by Rhonda Vincent: a little white christmas bluegrass, y'all! ... can't you hear them bells a'ringin'?
Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis by Tom Waits: because nothing is better than hearing that gravely sandpaper whiskey-and-cigarette voice kick off a heartbreaker of a song with the line "Charlie, I'm pregnant ... " Ho, ho, ho.
The Little Drummer Boy by Lou Rawls: i have always hated "Little Drummer Boy" with the burning parum-pum-pum-passion of 963 white-hot flaming menorahs. and yet, here comes Rawls, singing it the way it was meant to be sung -- i mean, it's a song about a funky drummer after all. tip a little eggnog for Lou, who we lost this year.
This Christmas by Donny Hathaway: where there is a will to get it on, donny hath a way to get it on. also, who had more soul than Donny Hathaway? did you say "no one?" well, you were right.
Santa Claus Blues by Louis Armstrong: because you can bet there are a whole lot of kids in the Big Easy who'll have the santa claus blues this year.
X-Mas Rap by the Treacherous Three: welfare santa gets mugged in the 'hood and reduced to eating his own reindeer for survival?! yes, i would call that treacherous. highlight: beatbox solo by a young doug e. fresh.
Christe qui Luxe by The Rose Consort of Viols: i am not sure if the title translates to "christ who loves" or "christ who luxuriates," but either way this is the loveliest mp3 by a consort of viols that i own.

and there you have it, friends. i truly wish that i could find a widget that would adequately stream it up for you, but i could not. please let me know if you have any technical glitches in downloading these goodies. i will try to fix, for they are not to be missed.

merry christmanukwanzikkah, y'all. i wish i had more to offer...

wait, i do! a bonus track:

Merry Christmas, Baby by Otis Redding: if this doesn't give you a special holiday feeling, you're probably dead.