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Tuesday, November 14, 2006

the autumn of our unease

feeling a little blue today. scratch that. feeling a little blue-haired. feeling old. feeling like i got one foot -- hell: most of a leg, one teste and two ass cheeks -- deep in the grave. i am ancient. i am tired and ugly and shriveled and irrelevant and unnecessary. here, in a nutshell, is why:

1) this weekend we took the kid to
the museum. the line was so long that we decided, on a whim, to become museum members. just like that! to the front of the line and, boom, off to the exhibits. one exhibit was freakin' awesome. seriously, if you're in the tri-state area (or if the exhibit is coming to a town near you), you really should check out the work of ron mueck. the dude makes giant (and teeny) photo-realistic mixed media sculptures of people. these things are amazing and uncanny. the kid went nuts -- she made her "hey look at that!" noise which transcribes roughly as OOOOOOOUUEEEEEEEE!!!! one of the sculptures is of an unkempt, bearded, naked, uncircumcised 14 foot wild man. she ran up to it in the middle of a crowded gallery and shouted "DADDY!" but this is not what has me blue (on the contrary, i thought it was funnier than most of our fellow museum-goers did, even though it made me wonder if there's something mrs nice guy isn't telling me).

what made me blue is that not only did we acquire a museum membership ... we also canceled our gym memberships. we had to look deep into the mirror and ask ourselves: who the fuck are we kidding? shelling out $70 a month to reserve the right to work out? when we're buying a house? so. we traded gym for museum. i have not the words to describe how useless that makes me feel.

2) last weekend i was home doing nothing on a saturday night. my bride was getting ready for bed. a bachelor friend of mine gave me a call and said, basically, "hey man, we're going drinking and we're around the corner. come out." i replied, "oh, dude, i'd love to ... but it's too late. i mean, it's already 10 o'clock!" he informed me that he would never speak to me again. rightfully so

3) my knee hurts. when i walk a lot, when it rains outside, when i've been carrying the kid around, when it's sunny, when it's tuesday, when i'm asleep, when i've eaten too much rarebit, when the radio is on, when i type: jagged yellow pain.

4) i need a new pair of jeans. my current pair has a giant gaping hole in the crotch. i knew that when i put them on this morning and wore them to work. i just don't care any more.


Anonymous MetroDad said...

#2 sounds achingly familiar. My childless friends could be at the bar downstairs from my apartment now and they wouldn't even call me. Alas, 10:00 is the new 4:00.

11/15/2006 9:21 AM  
Anonymous JGS said...

#1, #2, #3 sound familiar. I did start bike riding (#1) once we moved to the burbs and that helped until I hurt my back and hips (#3) and can't seem to get healthy. Fortunately, I never really had many friends so no one calls, but I do feel like going to bed at 11:00pm is pretty darn late - especially when I get up at 6:00ish.

But we get to write a lot, now, right?

11/15/2006 10:35 AM  
Blogger Terra said...

Personally, I think trading a gym membership for a museum membership is a step up.

11/15/2006 11:55 AM  
Blogger mr. nice guy said...

yeah, i know. it's a tough argument to make. but i am getting fat. and there's no way i can get any smarter or more cultured. it's just not possible.

11/15/2006 11:59 AM  
Blogger barbara rushkoff said...

Wow, you stay up til 10:00? I'm still going to sleep at 9:00! And no gym membership nor museum one either. And I also have to take fucken calcium supplements. Welcome to old age! We can start a twililight supper club in the 'hood w/free Viativ and knee braces.

11/15/2006 1:10 PM  
Anonymous Noelle said...

If it makes you feel ANY better...

I am 27. Childless. And there are nights when I won't go out at 10:00 because it's too late. Or, conversely, I am in at 10:00 because it's late.

Are you happy? I have outed myself as a 27 year old senior citizen to make a complete stranger feel better.

(Will it slightly redeem me if I casually mention I will be in NYC for a long weekend and will likely be drunk and awake the entire time?) (See? I AM COOL. DAMMIT, COOL, LOOK AT THE COOLNESS.)

11/15/2006 2:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You could always ask Santa to bring you the Thigh Master. It's the gift that keeps on giving and doesn't ask for a monthly membership fee.

11/15/2006 3:54 PM  
Blogger blackrider23 said...

Actually the trade in from the gym to the museum could be a trade up.
Think about it.

- have a gym membership and never go, feel guilty about it
- have a museum membership and go once a month. enjoy the sights and WALK around. hence exsersize

O and that exhibit looks amazing!!!

11/15/2006 4:09 PM  
Anonymous sheameister said...

Wait a minute--a gym membership in freakin' NEW YORK only costs $70/month? I was paying well over $100 in Chicago, and that was more than 2 years ago now. I feel robbed.

Hey, the Mr. and I don't even RENT movies anymore b/c there just aren't enough waking hours left after dinner and toddler bedtime rituals to watch a 90-minute epic. Sad. So sad. But we're right there with ya.

11/15/2006 4:15 PM  
Blogger Candace said...

Rarebit, eh? That creepy guy head is creeping me out.

11/15/2006 4:36 PM  
Anonymous Sisco said...

Is it the age or the kids? I credit (or blame) the baby for ruining my alcohol tolerance and getting me to quit smoking. But when I see my 20-month-old grunt in exertion in imitation of me when she bends down to get something, I wonder. I wonder.

11/15/2006 4:41 PM  
Anonymous Sara said...

Reading your blog was slowing but surely convincing me of thinking about having a "baby", now I'm back to calling "it" a "Who-Must-Not-Be-Named".

11/15/2006 5:02 PM  
Anonymous laurie said...

sorry you're blue mng. i promise you're still funny, though. does that help?

btw, charles addams called -- he wants lurch's head back.

11/15/2006 11:19 PM  
Anonymous DangerouslySimple said...

LOL @ Laurie... I was thinking the same exact thing.

MNG, YER BLOG IS BRILLIANT!!! I haven't laughed this hard in a long time. Found it by googling "WC Fields" and it brought up a pic of yer darling daughter and the post you made about her hemangioma being lasered off. Ya had me from there. Anyone who can take a situation like that, and freaking laugh about it... BRILLIANCE!! Thanks for the laugh ;) As a fellow parent (of 5) I totally identify with almost everything you have wrote at some point or another. Keep blogging, my friend. I will definitely be stopping back by ;)

11/17/2006 2:05 AM  
Blogger bunmaster said...

Dude, I had to put on my reading glasses today just so I could make out your fine wordage. Getting old is sad business mr. nice guy, but at least it hasn't affected your funny bone.

11/19/2006 2:08 PM  

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