brave new world

so the baby has recently taken a great interest in our toilet. she likes to climb atop it, lean over and play in the sink. that's all well and good. but she also likes to deprive her parents of their last remaining tiny shreds of privacy and human dignity by absolutely insisting on watching them use said toilet. this is a child who will not tolerate being locked out of the bathroom. fine. i personally don't care. i pick my battles carefully and this is not one i feel the need to fight. you want to watch me cop a squad, kid, it's your funeral. besides, i have to admit i truly dig the fact that every time the toilet gets flushed she shouts out "BYEBYE PEEPEE!" oh, how i love it. sometimes i just flush the toilet for the sheer thrill of seeing her stop whatever she's doing and wave in the general direction of the bathroom: "BYE PEEPEE!" awesome. last week at work, in the men's room, i caught myself flushing the urinal and saying in a singsong falsetto to myself "bye bye pee pee!" then i looked over and saw that there was someone in the stall next to where i was standing. wearing much more expensive shoes than mine. oops.

so, yeah, we noticed this increased fascination with the toilet and we did what any overambitious first-time yuppiefuck parents of an 18 month old does: we bought her a little pot. we put it in the bathroom next to our big-person pot. and now she sits on her pot every time we sit on ours. usually, though, she is wearing pants -- it's just too much work to take off her pants and diaper only to have her sit on the pot for 14 minutes and sing the abc's (with alternate lyrics: all B's) and then watch her decide she's done so we have to put the diaper back on her just in time for her to take a massive dump in it ... or on the floor. no thanks. it's at bath-time that we've initiated our half-assed slacker yuppiefuck toilet training ritual. we get her naked and plop her on her pot. then nothing happens. then we put her in the tub, in which she stands up and pees willy-nilly.

UNTIL YESTERDAY. she peed in the pot! our reaction? you'd have thought the Christ had risen. no miracle has ever been greater. we showered her with hosannas and praises and cheers and clapping.
then we put her in the bath.

then i looked over and realized i had to clean up the pot she just pissed in.

then i realized i like diapers just fine.

anyway. did you see the picture above? LOOK AT IT! it's the fish 'n' flush, "a patented, two-piece aquarium toilet tank!" i want six of them for christmannukwanzakah. seeing as how we're spending a little more time in the bathroom these days -- AND seeing as how instead of "fish!" my daughter says something that sounds very much like "bitch!" -- we'd increase our household entertainment factor by tenfold if we installed one of these babies. think of it: every time we'd use the bathroom, our midget lunatic fetishist will run around going "BYE PEEPEE, BITCH!" 'tis the season, indeed!