my daughter, my deviant

first of all: for those of you who were a little surprised when you opened today's post in the office, let me apologize by saying: HAHAHAHAH! HA! ah. heh.

ahem, yes. anyway. sorry.

so there is a point to all this, aside from cracking my bad self up. my daughter ... how shall i put this ... is, well, a BDSM fiend. only 14 months old and already she's into the leather-straps and the painful-pinches. (her safe word is, i think, "NGUH")

seriously, she's kind of weirding me out. she drunk-stumbles into my closet, reaches up and, every single time, retrieves one of my belts. if i try to take it away, she screams bloody genocide. she then proceeds to spend the next 30 minutes wrapping my leather belt around her neck and tightening it. i'm all "ew! freak! stop!" and she's all ... well, she's all nothing because she's only 14 months old and too busy auto-erotically asphyxiating herself to respond. and also she can't talk.

we have a wall-mounted phone that has an extra long chord under which we park her stroller. on more than one occasion, she's toddled over to her stroller (a maclaren techno XT, for you moms keeping score at home) and she'll reach out for the phone chord. and she'll begin methodically wrapping it around her neck! like a curly-que dog collar, it is.

(this is not particularly sadomasochistic -- just dumb, really -- she also loves to pick up the dishtowel, throw it over her head so she can't see ... and then begin sprinting, full-clip, in some random direction. why!?)

that's not all, people. she's into smothering. there's no happier baby on earth than ours when she takes a big old pillow and holds it down over her face. so she can't breathe. oh. aannnd she's into pinching. when she's in her stroller (and not strangling herself with the phone chord), she sits there pinching the bejesus out of her titlets and thighs! she leaves splotchy purple marks! on herself! what the fuck!? seriously, for her second birthday i'm going to have to buy her handcuffs and nipple clamps. thomas the tank is for tot tards!

anyway, that's all i have to say. i'm disturbed. and, mind you, i am a tolerant sex criminal myself. but this just isn't right. she's so young, yet so advanced. maybe i'm just jealous? i mean, if i think about this dispassionately, who am i to keep her from following her bliss? really. just look how happy those two look in the photo above! simply adorable, right? and they were babies once too, weren't they? imagine them, 45, 50 years ago, toddling around the tot lot. their parents probably loved them once.

so do what i do. play this little game: the next time you go to the tot lot, take a hard look at the kids. one day at least one of them will be starring in a little bondage show of his or her own somewhere. some other little tyke you see will someday be a crossdressing freemason. this little guy? an all-star ball-player and world class cokehead with erectile dysfunction. her? a dental hygienist with 24 cats and a mustache. that little dude? embittered douchebag who writes about himself anonymously online. do the world a favor and take him down now.