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Tuesday, June 27, 2006

the gift for her that's a gift for you

introducing every father's friend: "the original culotte swimmer!" yes, when you pack little suzy up and send her off to the lake, you won't have to worry about today's slackened mores and rampant sexual deviance because you know she'll be wearing a swim garment that "limits cling and adds modesty and style!" why, it will have all the girls at camp tapawamattachippisusquehanaranquashdock positively frothing with jealousy:

such style! such poise! and note how well it goes with your child's bifocals! so totally teen; so very rad! that's right, dad, nothing says "hot fun in the summer" like the chastity swimsuit, complete with patented rust-proof crotch-lock technology.

buy this for your daughter and she will spend the rest of her life thanking you for the greatest swimsuit ever! she definitely won't someday run off with the first horse-snorting illiterate ex-con hell's angel who catcalls her from outside the middle school: "hey white girl, did you leave your ass at home?!" and there's certainly no way she's going to spend her 20s trying to get into ozzfest by blowing dudes in the parking lot.

no siree! thanks to wholesome swimwear, your daughter will live a life of immaculate modesty. and the bonus of it all? you'll be the only man she ever loves!


Blogger Ted said...

I'm so glad I didn't have any daughters. It saves so much money that I would have spent on shotgun ammo.

6/27/2006 7:23 PM  
Anonymous JustLinda said...

And! Buy it 7 sizes too big! No one will even know! What great value!

6/27/2006 7:31 PM  
Blogger Natalie said...

Wow. That's a bit extreme. And I thought the moomoo swimsuits looked bad. But I am going to have to invest in a shot gun.

6/27/2006 7:49 PM  
Blogger Catharine said...

And will little Mormon boys be wearing similar attire, I ask myself? And of course, I answer myself in the negative, because they will be running around in board shorts and no shirts, as usual, because boys will be boys and girls will be crushed and desexualized within in an inch of their lives.

And then I'll agree with me, and we'll go out and have some sushi and try and forget that there's a whole big chunk of the country that's whack-assed crazy.

(You ordered one for you daughter, didn't you. Don't bother to deny it.)


6/27/2006 8:49 PM  
Anonymous mothergoosemouse said...

I think we'll let our daughters wear regular onesies, but like Natalie said, my husband has already requested a shotgun (and neither child has entered elementary school yet).

6/27/2006 9:04 PM  
Blogger Shna said...

This is the craziest thing ever.

I want one.

6/27/2006 11:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Was this a recent ad, for this indepencence day, or one from about a hundred years ago. no, really, i'm curious

6/27/2006 11:42 PM  
Blogger Dutch said...

I had no idea the great salt lake was so blue.

6/28/2006 12:39 AM  
Anonymous samantha Jo Campen said...

Did you get that off of Dooce's site? I saw it there a few months ago and could not believe the trauma. Those poor children. Imagine the tan lines!

6/28/2006 1:00 AM  
Blogger mr. nice guy said...

SJC: i saw a link to this on golden fiddle. probably should have mentioned that.

6/28/2006 7:26 AM  
Anonymous GeezerMom said...

Yeah, and apparently if you're this concerned about modesty at the beach, you're also supposed to be made of money-- $109 for one of these get ups? Geese.

6/28/2006 10:25 AM  
Anonymous Matthew Miller said...

This surprised me:

$ whois
Aurora, OR 97002

Oregon??? I sure was expecting to see a "UT".....

6/28/2006 11:06 AM  
Anonymous Lisa said...

Coverage ain't just for Mormons' don't forget the Pentecostals, folks. I notice the models all have that long, straight hair common among the Pentecostal ladies. They aren't allowed to wear pants, either.

6/28/2006 11:19 AM  
Anonymous monkeyaker said...

They also make lingerie. I have the "Wholesome girl" coulotte teddy and "Mother Mary" crotchless panties, nestled under loose-fitting spandex capris. And boy are they sparkly!

6/28/2006 12:24 PM  
Blogger Pregnant In Texas said...

I'm certainly not the only one that noticed the whiteness of these women with their long, flowing blond hair and cute sun hats.

This is just crazy. It is especially crazy to think that you would have to pay $80-$100 bucks for something this ridiculous.

6/28/2006 1:29 PM  
Anonymous marian said...

and all your problems will be over when the weight of the fabric makes you drown and you join the kinfolk on the beaches of paradise!

6/28/2006 4:01 PM  
Blogger Waya said...

Oh my lordy lord. I better not tell my hubbie about this, he might order one in every color for our daughter, who's 16 months old now.

6/28/2006 9:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah... don't get the wrong idea about Mormon girls, people - we are laughing about it just as much as you are here in Mormonworld. Not, I repeat, NOT a Salt Lake City gig, I assure you! Yes, modesty is important, but so is NOT GETTING LAUGHED OUT OF THE POOL.

Of the swimwear - anyone else find it ironic there's a whole section for "slimming" swimwear? So the suit makes you look thinner and therefore sexier... but isn't that exactly what you're trying to avoid? I dunno.

6/28/2006 11:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

did you notice this?

"We also offer a Slimming Swimmer suit that extends to the midarm (between the elbow and the wrist) and covers down to the lower leg (between the knee and the ankle)."

think of the tan lines.

6/29/2006 4:59 PM  
Anonymous kate in salt lake said...

Hmmm...I am obviously going to have to check out the local swimming pool to see if I can see any of these outfits. I'm thinking they are a little more popular in the hilldale/colorado city polygamy communities, but really Utah is probably the only place in the country where you can also find "Temple Ready" wedding gowns - meaning they have modest long sleeves. And don't forget that Utah leads the nation in breast implant surgery! Ahh I love my state.

6/30/2006 1:14 AM  
Blogger Mrs Independent said...

Wow. So I'd go for the slimming swimmer myself....and I have to ask HOW did you find that site??!

6/30/2006 2:08 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And don't forget that Utah leads the nation in breast implant surgery!

Seriously? Where did you get that info? I bet it's just a rumor, California has more augmentations than any other city, followed by Texas. Unless of course by that you mean that they lead the nation in quality... or something. ??

6/30/2006 2:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey anonymous person 6/30/06 at 2:21 p.m., ...Seriously, California is not a City.

7/01/2006 12:54 AM  
Anonymous anonymous person 6/30/06 at 2:21 p.m. said...

OMG! Since when!? Oh wait, that was just a typo. Meant to say "LA, California" and follow that with "Houston, Texas"). THANK YOU for pointing that out.

7/01/2006 2:45 PM  
Anonymous Angela said...

Love the mormon slams. Thank you

7/02/2006 1:02 PM  
Anonymous Pickle's Papa said...

As the father of a daughter, non-mormon, I cannot tell you how happy I am that my daughter has an "outie" (belly-button). It is my greatest hope this this will curtail her desire to wear bikinis - at least until the gets it pierced at age 14 . . .

7/05/2006 2:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was sure there would be a new post at least by today. What happened on July 4? Did bng declare independence?

7/06/2006 11:12 PM  
Blogger Cattiva said...

Awww...Daddy. You're so funny. Wait until she hits Middle School.

7/08/2006 2:44 AM  
Anonymous Briana said...

I like it. I'd wear one. I HATE how I look in swimsuits. Too d... expensive though.

11/30/2006 8:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think these suits rock. I came across this sight as I was searching for a modest suit for myself as a mother of 6 boys and maybe a 7th due in Sept. I plan to buy one as soon as my size is in. If I had a girl you can bet she would be wearing one of these. I plan to buy the womans dress type suit. Don't crap about the price, cause I am sure each one of you would waste that much money on something in which you would have nothing to show for it. It is my earnest prayer and desire that each one of my boys would chose a lady dressed like this over one that has no concern for saving the beautiful body God gave her for her husband and him only.
No I am not strange (at least not to myself, God, or my family and that is what rules). I am not morman, catholic, pentacostal or other. Just a God fearing Christian woman who desires to live her life and raise her children to be a glory to Him and Him only.

2/23/2007 12:15 PM  
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