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Wednesday, June 07, 2006

a mr nice guy challenge!

for reasons that need not be divulged here, i was recently wondering: "what combination of two words is the least-sexy combination of two words of all time?"

you know what i mean? i genuinely wanted to know, what two words could kill a mood faster than carl lewis on speed?

picture this: you and your partner (be it man, woman, hand or sheep) are in full-blown getting-it-on mode. teddy pendergrass is on the boom box, the candles are lit and dripping, the wine has been drunk. it's time.

now, here are the rules: your partner (let's assume it's a human person, for argument's sake) leans in and whispers two -- just two! -- words into your ear. those two words utterly deflate you (you men know what i'm talking about). those two words -- just two words! -- have ruined any hope of sealing the deal for the evening. what are those words?

well, let me tell you. you can try the obvious two-word combinations you want -- "dead puppies," "warty nuns,""alan greenspan" -- but you know what? i have you beat! i have the secret here in my little tiny brain and i am not afraid to unleash it! would you people like to know what the least-sexy two-word combination of all time ever is? don't even try to top it. no two-word permutation is less sexy than mine. here it is, guaranteed to kill any mood:

mom fart
you heard me! go on, i dare you to be less sexy than me. unpossible! what's less sexy than a mom fart? nothing!
UPDATE! people, people. you can pull out all the gratuitously gross, prurient or silly stops you want, but you know what? none of you have me beat! "cheney colonoscopy," for example, is more funny than it is unsexy.

actually, some of you sent a few good ones. in fact i think i think the real winner here is me: what's less sexy than "alan greenspan?" still, here are my favorites so far -- these are total mood killers mostly because, like mom farts, they are real and they occur in nature more often (and less sexily) than we'd care to admit:

baby's awake
i'm ovulating
episiotomy tear
mucus plug
honorable mention goes to: is it in? (which isn't two words, but man that can take the wind right out of a dude's sail)

wow. that was more effective than 25 cold showers in a row. gives me the jeeblies.


Blogger zygote daddy said...

Damn, I was going to use "mom" in mine too... OK, since I just can't resist your dare, how about this:

Grandma's discharge

Or maybe this:

Cheney colonoscopy

OK, now I need to wash...

6/07/2006 9:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was sure that this is how you were going to introduce the two words "I'm pregnant" to us!!!


6/07/2006 10:33 PM  
Blogger stay-at-home mommy said...

Yeah, those two words are pretty un-sexy! lol. If you graduate to 3 words, how about "is it in?"

6/07/2006 11:09 PM  
Blogger The Laundress said...

"Lawnmower accident"

"Pus pocket"

"Stinky wrinkles"

Those were a couple of couplets that had me wincing just this week...

6/07/2006 11:21 PM  
Blogger stay-at-home mommy said...

Oh, ugh! Pus pocket SO takes my vote!! Yuck.

6/08/2006 2:03 AM  
Blogger Alexis said...

I like:

Puke Mucus


episiotomy tear


6/08/2006 3:47 AM  
Blogger Extreme Dad said...

Sorry MNG, I reckon zygote daddy has aced you on this one. I wish I hadn't read this damn post before breakfast...

6/08/2006 6:43 AM  
Anonymous Claudia said...

Baby's awake?

6/08/2006 9:19 AM  
Anonymous dreadmouse said...

Alright, a fun game! "Mom fart" & "pus pocket" are going to be tough to beat, though. How about:

"diaper blowout"

"projectile vomit"

"Mom's watching"

6/08/2006 9:50 AM  
Anonymous JustLinda said...

I was going to say "baby's awake" too. That does it here. Because? If I can hear the baby through the monitor, I act as if she's sitting on the bed with us and I suddenly get all modest and MOM-LIKE and the kinky she-whore he had turned me into moments ago POOFS into thin air.

6/08/2006 9:51 AM  
Anonymous LOD said...

"Naked Rumsfeld."

6/08/2006 10:31 AM  
Anonymous moellis said...

Ok, Here are my two words I actually used this week about a woman that hit on my husband....

Floppy vagina

6/08/2006 11:01 AM  
Blogger Dutch said...

I have two:

Smegma Milkshake


I'm ovulating.

6/08/2006 12:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oops, diarrhea

6/08/2006 5:38 PM  
Anonymous Pickle's Papa said...

smell this?

6/08/2006 10:13 PM  
Anonymous Meredith said...

Here's a few for your consideration:

mucous plug
soylent green
stinky breath
you wash?
mamma pappa
pokey hole

6/08/2006 11:55 PM  
Blogger Stacy said...

moist douche?

6/09/2006 7:37 AM  
Blogger Dawn said...

granny pooping

6/09/2006 10:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think my mood killer would be "who's here?".

6/09/2006 11:22 AM  
Blogger Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

I'm bleeding


poop emergency


cat vomit



6/09/2006 12:44 PM  
Anonymous samantha said...

"grandma's dildo"


"yeast infection"

6/09/2006 2:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You asleep?

6/09/2006 4:00 PM  
Blogger Tessa said...

Ann Coulter.

6/09/2006 6:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

O. M. G. "Grandma's dildo" I am going to have to get some serious therapy to force that image OUT OF MY HEAD. I may not be able to have sex for a month till those words are long gone.

6/09/2006 8:50 PM  
Anonymous JustLinda said...

OMG - 'is it in' totally made me laugh. I didn't see that one coming at all.

I might have to use that next time I want to APPEAR to be the she-whore but really would just rather go to sleep. ;)

6/09/2006 10:48 PM  
Blogger The Laundress said...

Lawnmower accident.

6/10/2006 1:49 AM  
Blogger mr. nice guy said...

tessa -- even though (maybe because of the fact?) ann coulter is such a crazy snatch, i kinda think she's totally hot.

6/10/2006 12:29 PM  
Blogger The other me said...

I think I did it without words.....knocked on my son's door and went in...OMG he was stark naked and NOT ALONE!! I think the girl said " your MUM!" those words might have killed it. A mother should never have to see that, I am traumatised. I think he might be too, he went to work and I think he might not come home for 3 years.

6/10/2006 5:14 PM  
Blogger Dutch said...

wow mr. nice guy, I didn't know you were into chicks with adam's apples. that's cool though. just unexpected.

6/10/2006 5:52 PM  
Blogger S.I.R said...

'Genital Warts'?

6/11/2006 6:29 AM  
Blogger Brenda said...

Haha my friend just told me her ex used to say "wanna breed" whenever he wanted sex.

6/11/2006 2:01 PM  
Blogger Trish said...

"Rubber broke"?

6/12/2006 12:27 AM  
Anonymous Julie said...

My entry:

Freedy Johnston


6/12/2006 10:51 AM  
Blogger Tessa said...

Just had to reply.
Mr. Nice Guy, I hope you can redirect your crazy snatch desires on a less evil nut-job... like say, Anne Heche or Madonna or something.
There are plenty of freaks in the sea. That's all I'm sayin.

6/13/2006 11:21 AM  
Anonymous Pickle's Papa said...

In response to someone else's question:

You asleep?

You Awake?

The key is the surprised tone.

6/14/2006 2:57 PM  
Anonymous laurie said...

Bloody show.

6/17/2006 3:58 PM  
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