laying it on thicke

so there i was, perusing the new york times book review on the can, which is where i do my best new york times book review perusing, when i flipped the section over and what did my eyes behold but, lo!, this full-page ad in glorious black-and-white:


my first thought was probably exactly the same thought you just had: does my whiskey-addled brain deceived me or is that a giant picture of a creepy-tan, barely-aged alan thicke?! where you been for the past 20 years, Dr. Seaver? well let me tell you where he's been, my tender-hearts. homeslice has written a book -- "How to Raise Kids Who Won't Hate You." (i am really hoping the first chapter is short and sweet: "if you are buying this book for yourself, you're already too late.")

the best part of this alleged "book?" the tagline on the cover: "Family Wisdom and Humor from a Favorite TV Dad." give our boy a sliver of credit -- at least he didn't write "... from TV's Favorite Dad" because he knew a certain Dr. William H. Cosby would bring the hurt so bad that big Thicke would become forever convinced that his sitcom had in fact been called "Groin Pains."


oh it only gets better, this full-page ad in the new york times book review. i have read all the lines -- and, more importantly, what lies between them. behold, my turtledoves, it goes a little something like this:

Having tackled 'pregnant-hood' in my first book, How Men Have Babies, I was pumped to write a comical guide to parenthood -- a light look at the dark side of child-rearing.

mr nice guy translation: OK, you haven't heard much from me since my gig as host of Pictionary petered out in 1997. as you can imagine i could really use some money, so i am hoping to separate you from some of yours. as you would probably prefer not to imagine, this prospect has me "pumped."

Depending on parents' needs, How to Raise Kids Who Won't Hate You offers (A) important advice from experts, (B) hilarious anecdotes from moms and dads and (C) a quiz to help you see whether you're doing a good job.

mr nice guy translation: my target audience is either (A) lazy and stupid, turning to me, Alan Thicke, for expert advice (B) likely to find stories about inept-dads-changing-diapers-for-the-first-time-and-getting-peed-on "hilarious" or (C) borderline retarded, preferring not to struggle through entire paragraphs when they could just circle responses to multiple choice questions that validate their parenting style. basically, i have contempt for all of you.

Once I finished the manuscript to my encore book, I had to decide which publisher would be the best to co-parent my new book.

mr nice guy translation: i am really proud of that "co-parent" line. also, did i mention i've written a book before? you would think it odd, then, that i didn't have a publisher. wouldn't you? you would be so fucking wrong that i could put my fist through your chest cavity.

Surprisingly (to some), I decided to self-publish with iUniverse. I had heard the buzz and knew they were on the cutting edge. I liked the fact that I could retain control and ownership of my work. Most importantly, only iUniverse ... could help me meet my aggressive deadline of a Father's Day release.

mr nice guy translation: ok, fine. the truth? so the reason i didn't have a publisher is because my last book sold only three thousand copies, all of which were purchased by me in a drunken fury after my wife left me for her pilates instructor. (i'll sell you a signed copy at a sweet discount.) look, i am publishing kryptonite. no reputable bookmonger will touch me. so i decided to go through some interweb company run out of the trunk of this tranny's Buick. "Roxxxy" is letting me publish it by my bookie-imposed deadline mostly by not wasting time with such frivolities as "editing." and by binding it with scotch tape.

Working with the iUniverse team was a great experience. They listened to my ideas, coached me through the process and did what was best for my book and me.

mr nice guy translation: i once killed a man with my bare hands and watched the life drain slowly from his eyes as i cradled him in my lap, like some bloodhungry pieta.

Now it's almost Father's Day, and my book is ... a fantastic parent-to-parent greeting card, as parents are the only ones who truly understand the fear, pain and unparalleled joy of raising children.

mr nice guy translation: come to think of it, my own children truly understand fear and pain too.

I know you'll find yourself in this book. Enjoy.

mr nice guy translation: can i borrow a quarter for the bus ride home? Roxxxy gets real jealous when Thicke Daddy is late.