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Monday, October 24, 2005

somewhere, my 14-year-old self is beaming with pride

when mr nice guy was a budding music geek in junior high school, it was brought to his attention that the original title of Metallica's debut album was not, in fact, "Kill 'Em All." no. it was to be called "Metal Up Yer Ass." better yet, lars ulrich wanted the album art to feature a machete emerging, excalibur-like, from a toilet bowl.

well! when 14-year-old me learned this fact, he developed a little ruse: it occured to him that it might possibly be the funniest thing in the world to go into music stores and ask the clerk behind the counter: "excuse me, sir, but do you have 'Metal Up Yer Ass?'" and so he did. as often as he could. the clerk would invariably stammer and say something like "WHAT?" and 14-year-old me would reply, innocently, even naively: "it's a rare metallica record! don't you carry it?" (NB: metallica apparently was quite partial to the title because in 1997 they released a video of that very name.)

well, friends, the intervening 16 years have taught me very little, but they have taught me this: the more things change the more things stay the same. seeing as how i am home all day with a tiny squalling infant who wants her bottle NOW GODDAMN IT WHERE IS IT GIVE ME MILK OR I WILL CRY TEARS OF BLOOD, i have become quite attuned to the needs of my baby. (i also have become insanely hard up for authentic entertainment, which will explain what follows.) she likes the little avent bottles with the little avent adjustable-flow nipples. seeing as how she is five months old now, it recently became time to invest in new nipples, one size up.

a golden opportunity!

i cannot tell you how much pathetic joy it brings me to saunter into any one of the many little baby boutiques in our neighborhood and stroll up to the impeccably appointed woman behind the counter to ask, in all earnestness: "excuse me, miss, but do you have nipples?"


Blogger MommaSpaz said...

HAHAHHAHAHA! Too funny! I never thought of asking those questions! Ty for making my day :)

10/24/2005 3:58 PM  
Blogger Ellie said...

oh you are sooo good. and sooo naughty. and i love it. keep it up (pun intended).

10/24/2005 4:05 PM  
Blogger Erin said...

That's good! I'm sure she looked at you with absolute horror!

By the way, thanks for the Metallica trivia! ;)

10/24/2005 4:41 PM  
Blogger Jo said...

A better question would be, "Excuse me, miss... could you show me where your nipples are?"

10/24/2005 7:45 PM  
Blogger mr. nice guy said...

DING DING DING! we have a winner, and her name is dani!

10/24/2005 8:15 PM  
Blogger DesertJade said...

hehee... thats pretty good. Have you ever heard of NADS?

You might have some interesting questions for your local drugstore clerk, about applying nads upon your nads...

10/25/2005 12:35 AM  
Blogger Jeff said...

"Excuse me, would you mind pointing out your nipples?"

10/25/2005 4:52 AM  
Blogger Jo said...

You could go to the pet store today and ask to see the "kittens".

10/25/2005 7:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You'd probably like the Metallica documentary "Some Kind of Monster." I watched it while bf-ing.

10/25/2005 1:25 PM  
Anonymous J, K. said...

Too, too funny!! How does Mrs. Nice feel about your nipple quest? And can't wait to see baby's halloween outfit!

10/25/2005 5:45 PM  
Blogger Ellie said...

Or.. how about, "Could you please lead me to your nipples?"

10/25/2005 10:52 PM  

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