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Friday, October 07, 2005

martha, martha, martha!

a generous anonymous reader directed your hero's attention to this site:
Calling all Mr. Moms: Be a part of the "Mr. Mom Show" on Martha. It's National Men Make Dinner Day and you're invited to join 164 stay-at-home Dads in the live studio audience. Join us Thursday, November 3rd. It's all about you, Dad!
there are so very many things wrong with those four sentences, i have no clue where to begin. but i'ma give it my best.

first of fucking all: mr. mom?? "mr. mom?" jumping moses, this is 2005, people! i ain't no 1983 michael keaton fired-from-work clueless stay-at-home careerist douche battling gender stereotypes and finding myself suddenly discovering "gosh, parenting is hard work too!" FUCK! i mean, i know how to change a diaper in 0.08 seconds. i know how to do the grocering; i am a fucking laundry WIZARD. i don't just "do" the dishes, i become them. (i know how to clean house too, but i am totally ok with admitting that i hate and avoid it at all costs.) also: i like my kid. a lot. she is not some foreign bizzarro entity who happens to live with, and urinate upon, us.

second of all: "national men make dinner day?" GODDAMN IT I COOK DINNER ALL THE FUCKING GODDAMN TIME. thai duck curry, anyone? or maybe something lighter, like an heirloom tomato salad with homemade vinaigrette? pork chops with pear-leek compote and a side of kale-potato hash, perhaps? how about some spicy chana masala and aloo gobi? YOU GET THE PICTURE.

third of all: Martha? you go girl and all, but, please leave me out of it.

fourth: am i really invited to join 164 stay-at-home dads in the studio?! really?? *squeal!* oh, goodie! oh, thank you Martha. thank you for this rare and life-changing opportunity. excuse me for wetting myself, but i simply cannot wait to swap stories with my reclusive ilk! just think of all the things we'll have to talk about: "so, you're a stay-at-home-dad, eh?"
"hey, me too!"
"that's swell, chief."
"um ... don't you think Martha totally got screwed by the Man?!"

fifth: nov. 3, right? would that be to celebrate the 250th anniversary of the colony of Massachusetts' offering a bounty of 20 pounds for the scalps of native american children under 12? waaaait a second! what exactly does martha have in mind for my child?

sixth: "it's all about you, Dad???" actually, no. it's all about my daughter. you know, the one i stay home for? my 16-pound drooling, episodically-defecating, grunting, napless, non-rolling-over, impatient, ADD-afflicted, hairless, bleating goat-girl. thank you for your smarmy condescension, though. i feel so good about myself now.


Anonymous robin said...

i'm a martha fan, but yeah. that's weak.

can i eat over?

10/07/2005 7:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry to offend you with the link Mr. Nice Guy....just thought you'd enjoy the free schwag that Martha is sure to hand out!

10/07/2005 8:51 PM  
Blogger mr. nice guy said...

NO OFFENSE TAKEN! are you kidding me? you gave me material to last through a three-day weekend. you are my favorite anonymous person EVER! i love you, anonymous.

10/07/2005 9:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh, dear anonymous 1, you were not the only one to think of Mr. Niceguy, stay at home, gourmet dad. I'm sure he received many such notices. But, alas, he is not going to take her up on the offer, so sad! He could be anonmyous also - just think, it would be awesome. Mr. Nice Guy, are you listening?

10/07/2005 11:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

MIL nice guy

You're the best son-in-law nice guy. Your cooking skills far exceed Martha's and your parenting skills put Dr. Spock's to shame, baby nice guy is a lucky girl.

10/07/2005 11:58 PM  
Blogger Chickie said...

Oh sweet jesus! Tell me that pan is not one living in your kitchen!

10/08/2005 3:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your daughter is 16 pounds? Great job!

10/08/2005 11:40 PM  
Blogger Kirsten said...

I thought I was being all original calling my babe goat girl.....for crying so hard she bleats, not that she has horns. :)

Kinda lame that after thousands of dads stay home and do everything for the babes but offer the sweet teat that they still get stereotyped. Lame.

10/09/2005 1:38 AM  
Anonymous john said...

My wife and I read this and loved it ... her words to you, "Welcome to the world of TV misrepresentation; women have been misrepresented there since the dawn of the boob tube." So maybe this is Martha's way of giving us equal time.

10/09/2005 8:06 AM  
Blogger CK said...

Thanks for making me laugh out loud on this early Sunday morning! What a great start to my day.

10/09/2005 8:09 AM  
Blogger Belinda said...

I just forwarded this to my husband. We both work, but I haven't lately due to some health problems, and he has really been doing EVERYTHING. And he always could cook, clean, baby-tend, etc. This is offensive to ME. Hy hubby recently gave this house such a cleaning that I blogged about it in a post titled "In Which My Husband Is Magnificent". He is verrrrrry appreciated, and you know you are, too. Wow, look at me, out of lurkdom!

10/09/2005 4:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bravo! MNG you put us stay-at-home moms to shame. Gourmet dinners? Hell I feel like it's a good week when I haven't ordered Chinese food two days IN A ROW. And I bet that you only use organic products.

As to liking my kid, after a restful weekend with lots of hubby help, I love my kid, but by the 5th 11 hour day alone with my lovely 8 month old, I am not sure I'm even related to him or the rest of the human race.

So, if stay-at-home dads are ace cleaners and great chefs I say they should ALL stay home. Sure would keep the guys from mucking up world affairs as they tend to do.

10/09/2005 6:10 PM  
Anonymous Catherine said...

Your comments are hilarious. Thanks for the great read. It's incouraging to see you know what a diaper actually looks like - you should think of cloning yourself.

Do you struggle with balancing career and family, the sexy pool guy or bad hair days?

10/10/2005 12:51 AM  
Blogger ketzel said...

Do you live in or near Connecticut and if you do can my husband and I come over for dinner? Of course if you are brave and do not mind underdone chicken or overcooked steak you can come here.
love your blog.

10/19/2005 12:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Martha, get a life and get a clue.

And Catherine, I'd say most of us men not only know what a diaper looks like, but change them all the time. If your husband doesn't, I think it might be time you get yourself an upgrade.

10/25/2005 7:07 PM  
Anonymous Jim Online said...

Martha screwed here life. She knew it all along now she is paying for the price of here being an ignoramous. She deserves more than what she got.

11/13/2005 10:22 PM  
Anonymous Protagonist said...

Yea, her Macy's line sucks too.

8/17/2007 3:36 PM  

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