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Thursday, April 28, 2005

a pornucopia of pornometry




and then, this happened: the other day, it was time to take out the recycling. like the dutiful do-gooding good-doer that mr nice guy is ... he took out the recycling. as he was downstairs with the piles of recyclable recyclables, he noticed something peculiar. there, on the street corner in front of his house, someone had left a clear plastic bag, filled to the brim with plastics and papers -- you know, for recycling. but at the top of this stuffed bag, wouldn't you know, there it was: photos of engorged cocks. that's right. someone in our building was discarding his massive collection of porn. and there it was, on my doorstep. we're talking screaming pictures of lubricated ladies impaled on sweaty red peckers. it was, in a word, awesome.

i walked upstairs to report this little slice of condo life to my wife: "so, somebody in our building is recycling his porn, because the recycling bin is all porned out." mrs nice guy was disgusted. and so was i! how dare someone so thoughtlessly divest himself of such good filth?! i found myself wishing that i was 12 years old again, for if my 12-year-old self found this stash, he would be set for life! i mean, there are porn-starved children in china who would kill for such a trove of titillation! and my neighbor thoughtlessly tosses it out onto the street. i, like my wife, am disgusted.

anyway, mrs nice guy swftly did a little porn math, or as i like to call it: pornometry. she calculated that since the only single -- as in unmarried -- person in this entire building of six units (haha! units!) is the young gentleman who lives across the hall from us. clearly, then, he was the sex criminal. "every time i see him now, i will think of how disgusting he is," mrs nice guy told me. the really funny thing here, of course, is that this careless pornhound is a proud republican! in an exceedingly non-republican neighborhood, he is the only soul who still displays his BUSH-CHENEY2004 sticker in his window. he is a defiant bush supporter (in more ways than one, apparently) in a defiantly left-leaning hippie hood. the really, really funny thing is that he listens to the decidedly un-republican, un-masculine madonna at ear-shattering decibels ... even as his american flag stands proudly, um, erect on his patio.



UPDATE! a perceptive reader points out in the comments section that the porn may have belonged to one of the husbands in the building and that the madonna-listening "neighbor is probably a 'log-cabin' republican, maybe he doesn't even know it yet."

but of course! the porngebraic calculations by our anonymous friend far outstrip our own pornometrics. log cabin, no doubt. and, while we're at it, could it be possible that maybe, just maybe, the porn hoard belonged to one of the women in the condo? some saucy vixen whose hubby is no longer delivering the goods?

8 Comments:

Blogger Moo Moo said...

you are so funny. pornometry, you and my heterosexual hubby would have a great time together...

good luck with week 37 looming! You both will do great :)

I love this blog!

4/28/2005 6:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

... my own pornometry: is it not entirely possible that one of the nice husbands in the condo got caught red-handed by his wife/significant other with a horrendous porn stash and was then made to throuw it away? Maybe the lady of the house just threw it out herself in a fit. There could be an entire drama unfolding under your very noses, while you assume that the single boy is the one with the porn.

to add to that... i think your neighbor is probably a "log-cabin" republican, maybe he doesn't even know it yet. I mean really, what single, straigth guy listens to madonna. Mrs. Nice Guy needs to re-think her pornometry calculations. I will wait for the update.

4/29/2005 3:10 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

Um, is it by any chance still out there? because my brother has a birthday coming up and........

4/29/2005 5:40 PM  
Anonymous BIYF said...

good porn does not discriminate. it cares not for your race color or creed. it scoffs at political affilliation. it loves you no matter who you are. and for that, we should say thanks.

4/30/2005 11:32 AM  
Blogger mr. nice guy said...

true, biyf, good porn cares not who you are. but it does care if you are a sanctimonious faith-based "values" hypocrite smut censorer in public, only to return gleefully to your All Anal Summercamp XVI dvd at home.

hypocrites hurt porn's feelings.

4/30/2005 11:57 AM  
Blogger The Teacher said...

Comin' in VERY late on this one...just need to mention that I've got a bigger porn stash than most of the guys I know, except my boyfriend. We makes us a great pair. :D (Love the employee discount I got from the adult store I used to work at.)

5/13/2005 3:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah, porn. The feminists say that it 'objectifies' women.

I say, well sure. But only if it's done right. :)

Perhaps the depositor of this stash just didn't find it objective enough?

6/29/2005 10:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah, porn. The feminists say that it 'objectifies' women.

I say, well sure. But only if it's done right. :)

Perhaps the depositor of this stash just didn't find it objective enough?

6/29/2005 10:16 AM  

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