a pornucopia of pornometry
and then, this happened: the other day, it was time to take out the recycling. like the dutiful do-gooding good-doer that mr nice guy is ... he took out the recycling. as he was downstairs with the piles of recyclable recyclables, he noticed something peculiar. there, on the street corner in front of his house, someone had left a clear plastic bag, filled to the brim with plastics and papers -- you know, for recycling. but at the top of this stuffed bag, wouldn't you know, there it was: photos of engorged cocks. that's right. someone in our building was discarding his massive collection of porn. and there it was, on my doorstep. we're talking screaming pictures of lubricated ladies impaled on sweaty red peckers. it was, in a word, awesome.
i walked upstairs to report this little slice of condo life to my wife: "so, somebody in our building is recycling his porn, because the recycling bin is all porned out." mrs nice guy was disgusted. and so was i! how dare someone so thoughtlessly divest himself of such good filth?! i found myself wishing that i was 12 years old again, for if my 12-year-old self found this stash, he would be set for life! i mean, there are porn-starved children in china who would kill for such a trove of titillation! and my neighbor thoughtlessly tosses it out onto the street. i, like my wife, am disgusted.
anyway, mrs nice guy swftly did a little porn math, or as i like to call it: pornometry. she calculated that since the only single -- as in unmarried -- person in this entire building of six units (haha! units!) is the young gentleman who lives across the hall from us. clearly, then, he was the sex criminal. "every time i see him now, i will think of how disgusting he is," mrs nice guy told me. the really funny thing here, of course, is that this careless pornhound is a proud republican! in an exceedingly non-republican neighborhood, he is the only soul who still displays his BUSH-CHENEY2004 sticker in his window. he is a defiant bush supporter (in more ways than one, apparently) in a defiantly left-leaning hippie hood. the really, really funny thing is that he listens to the decidedly un-republican, un-masculine madonna at ear-shattering decibels ... even as his american flag stands proudly, um, erect on his patio.
UPDATE! a perceptive reader points out in the comments section that the porn may have belonged to one of the husbands in the building and that the madonna-listening "neighbor is probably a 'log-cabin' republican, maybe he doesn't even know it yet."
but of course! the porngebraic calculations by our anonymous friend far outstrip our own pornometrics. log cabin, no doubt. and, while we're at it, could it be possible that maybe, just maybe, the porn hoard belonged to one of the women in the condo? some saucy vixen whose hubby is no longer delivering the goods?