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Wednesday, April 27, 2005

show yourself, snuffalufetus!

apparently ... SHE'S GONNA BLOW!

ugh. troubling news from babyland yesterday. it seems this disco fetus grooveweasel, who was such a mover and shaker all these many months, has slowed down considerably. no more ferocious left jabs to the spleen, fewer roundhouse kicks to the kidneys. you'd think this would come as a relief to mrs nice guy, but she was unhappy with the development. as was our midwife. and so it was that mrs nice guy's very unexcellent adventure began yesterday.

this lack of movement apparently called for a monitoring of the baby's heartbeat. that checked out ok. then she ate a bagel and had a non-stress test, which unfortunately does not entail chilling out with a cold one on a lawn chair -- that's what usually works to get me non-stressed, anyway. that test went fine. then it was time for a sonogram. aha! the placenta showed signs of calcifying (apparently mrs nice guy has a 140-year-old placenta), the doctor didn't see enough amniotic fluid in there and the umbilical cord was looking weak. worse, the little fucker was dead set against moving. this was cause for concern.

they call in a risk specialist. while he was coming, mrs nice guy lay on her side, at which point the baby decided to do a full-on lindy hop routine with a little scottish square dancing thrown in for good measure. when the risk specialist comes in, she tells him "the baby was just moving while i was on my side." he replies that she has to be on her back for the test. in true snuffalufetus fashion, the kid stops jigging. the doctor furrows his handsome doctorly brow. he wants six movements in half an hour. meanwhile, he goes drilling for amniotic fluid. jamming the ultrasound device on mrs nice guy's gut so hard she thinks she hears her ribs crack, he manages to find TWICE the amount of fluid the previous doctor had found. someone needs to send this miracle man to the UAE to search for untapped oil reserves. anyway, fluid was found and the baby moved (wouldn't you?) so they sent her home.

the kicker to this whole story? before the risk specialist "found" the amniotic reserves and got the elusive sasquatchild to move, mrs nice guy was told they might just have to induce her RIGHT THERE ON THE SPOT. did that just completely blow your tiny mind? but wait, here's the true awesomeness: after being told she might need to give birth right there on the spot, mrs nice guy's totally rad response was "but i have a client call at 4!"

oh yeah, bring it on, baby, we're so ready for you.


Anonymous Dan Daddy said...

Dear Mr. Nice Guy,
I am absolutely, totally, and sincerely, 100% heterosexual. And I love you. I've been following your blog now for a while, and it's almost become unhealthy. My wife is due a few days before Mrs Nice Guy, and unfortunately for her, the term
"snot cork" has become a member of this house's usual vernacular. The other day I saw potatoes in the supermarket and actually laughed so hard that I snorted. Anyhow, my wife has vomited maybe two or three times now, and I can really comiserate with you. Oh wait, no I can't! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Thanks for the great blog, and good luck with Sasquatchild (snort!)

4/28/2005 11:58 AM  
Anonymous Gerah said...

Dear Mr. Nice Guy,

I, too, am totally and sincerely 100% heterosexual, (although I will admit when I think another woman is hot), and I can't get enought of your blog, either. Good stuff.

It annoys me that doctors freak out so much at the end of pregnancy, and have to evaluate amniotic fluid, yada yada yada. The reason the baby isn't moving much is cause it's friggen' crowded in there!

Good luck with baby's grand entrance! I'm sure all will be fine. I won't lie, though. It's a damned scary thing, having a baby. Damned scary, but damned awesome.

4/28/2005 1:48 PM  
Anonymous BIYF said...

With all of this heterosexual affirmation going around, I figured I should speak up in the spirit of our community. I am a proud male lesbian, committed to my life partner of nearly six years. She recently was the surrogate for my seed, and we have a beautiful baby. He is in fact a male, but we don't like to label. Good luck with your offspring.

4/28/2005 4:16 PM  
Blogger mr. nice guy said...

you like me! you really like me! thank you, dear readers, you have made my day.

funny thing is: i am also a heterosexual male who is in love with me.

4/28/2005 4:55 PM  

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