mr nice guy loves a challenge

so we had our last birthing class the other day, which was nice. newborn classes start tonight. hello new life, where friday nights no longer belong to me.

anyway, at our last birthing class the instructor lady, who was very good, basically tells the women that whatever happens in the delivery room stays in the delivery room. have a bowel movement on the bed? you probably won't even notice. you start swearing at your husband? he's a big boy, he can take it. you physically attack the nurses? you'd have to do something pretty creative to surprise them.

now, i don't know about you fine readers, but this sounds very much to mr nice guy like a CHALLENGE. it's on, Operation Surprise A Nurse:

• i am suddenly sensing the need to bring our pet spider monkey, you know, for comfort.
• if my goal is to make the wife feel at ease during the whole labor, it might just make sense for me to get naked myself--you know, in solidarity.
• my lawyer may feel the need to be present in order to issue a subpoena to the umbilical cord, you know, for the paternity test.
• how about if i started shouting "a baby?! all this time you were telling me it was a cyst!"
• i may have to bring along a skillet, some scallions and my great-grandmother's ancient recipe for placenta fritters.
• would it be at all surprising if i brought a sacrificial goat, you know, to appease the angry gods of labor?