advice i did not follow

ladies, you can always find mr nice guy at the big man HQ

so i was flipping through "the expectant father" by the loathsome armin brott, whose poor wife must be jealous of how in love he is with himself. on pages 82-3 he provides for our reading entertainment a list of "ways to show her you care" -- for expectant hubbies who were apparently born in 1847. witness these choice excerpts:

• "If you're traveling on business, arrange to have a friend take her to dinner." this is also known as Pimp My Bride. seriously. poor pregnant wife, she's been locked up at home for so long that she has no friends of her own. she will be so grateful to you for sending her to the olive garden with one of your meathead buddies. let's face it, if you're the kind of guy who feels compelled to fix your wife up with a pity date while you're out of town, then your friends are probably the types of guys to hit on her while on said date.
• "Buy a toy or outfit for the baby, have it gift wrapped, and let her unwrap it." first of all, have it gift wrapped? wrap it yourself, turkey. otherwise, this is adorable. adorable, that is, until your wife opens the present and sees that it's a baby chewtoy when she was expecting a 324 karat diamond brooch. rule of thumb: wrapped presents are for her, hombre, not the unborn.
• "Buy her a pretty maternity dress." chances are if you didn't already think of this yourself, you'll probably end up getting her some garment that looks like one of those muumuus mrs roper used to wear. aside from that, it's good advice.
• "Tell her she's beautiful. Then tell her again a few hours later." and if this is not normal behavior for you, she definitely won't suspect you're cheating on her with your skinny unpregnant secretary. or that you've suddenly turned into rain man.
• "Tell her she looks good even if she's put on weight." honestly, dude, if this move isn't already a part of your game it's a miracle you've managed to knock someone up.
• "Smile and nod agreeably when she says, 'You have no idea what it's like to be pregnant.'" because everybody loves a patronizing cocksucker.
• "Take the day off from work and hang around the house with her." WHAT? i don't know about you, but my wife earns FOUR TIMES what i earn. she is not at the house. and even if she did stay at home, "hanging around the house" doesn't quite cut it as a special treat, fellas ... she can probably go another day without watching you slackjawed on the couch in your boxers and stained under-shirt.
• "Make a donation to a local children's hospital or school." because your jobless, friendless wife will really appreciate it when you start giving money away just as you're expecting a child on whom you will presumably spend $4,327,782 before it reaches 13.
• "Discuss your fears with your partner. Listen to hers, too, but don't make fun of them -- no matter how insignificant they may seem to you." JESUS! if you need a book to tell you not to make fun of your wife, you should seriously consider going into therapy to come to terms with your self-loathing and latent raging homosexuality (there's nothing wrong with latent raging homosexuality, mind you, just don't take your issues out on your pregnant wife who definitely has other things on her mind right now).
• "Listen to her complain and don't tell her she's complaining." this actually is good advice. i mean when she's crying, you don't tell her she's crying. when she's laughing, you don't tell her she's laughing. when she's clawing your eyes out with her very long nails, you don't tell her she's clawing your eyes out with her very long nails. that's because SHE KNOWS.
• "Offer to carry her bags." does this mean i should also stop making her give me her seat on the subway?
• "Say 'No' if she asks if she's acting crazy." haha! because she is acting crazy! get it? but don't worry. she's so crazy that she won't notice her husband is a patronizing, manipulative, repressed homosexual douchebag. lucky you!

armin brott, i salute you! were it not for you, i would still be married to a woman who loves me. instead, i have been thrown out of my house and my wife refuses to let me see my baby. thanks!