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Tuesday, April 19, 2005

fuzzy math ... and boobies

so that's it. we've taken all our classes. labor class, newborn care class and, not to be outdone, breastfeeding class (the homework for which was by far the most fun out of all them, for me at least. kidding! seriously, though, the breastfeeding teacherlady really needed a swift tug on her shorthairs -- the three hour class was dangerously pushing four hours by the end. you really don't want to keep a mob of big, cranky, overtired, water-retaining, hungry, hormonal pregnant ladies sitting in uncomfortable chairs for much longer than they paid to be kept there. i swear to god i thought a great pregnant lady riot was going to break out when one woman raised her hand, red in the face, and angrily announced "i thought this class was over at two because i have to be somewhere at three, which is in like 15 minutes." and then all the other ladies--not to mention a few hubbies--glared at the teacher, shook their tight little fists of swollen fingers and shouted "yeah!" but that's not all. she was mostly annoying because not once, not twice, but at least THREE times she felt compelled to tell us all about how lame we are as a society because breasts have become so sexualized "and it's not like in africa where women can walk around topless and breastfeed all the time. it's so taboo here. africa has a much better attitude about breasts in general and breastfeeding specifically. all you perverted men and your breast fetishes should be ashamed. we could all stand to learn a thing or two from the good people of africa, where, i'd like to mention if i haven't already, breasts are not oversexualized." christ! by the time she stopped serving up her steaming piles of sanctimony and popped in the video, i was good and ready for some hot steamy infant-on-mom action. it was all i could do to keep from shouting at the screen "whip it out! let's see those sweet milk jugglies!" mrs nice guy is very proud of my restraint. did you notice that this has all been inside parentheses?).

anyway i got to thinking the other day (mrs nice guy always gets nervous when i start paragraphs by informing that i have been thinking) and here's what i realized: our labor class--where we sat and learned about actually giving birth and how impossible it is, in the end, to be fully and totally in control of the situation--ran over the course of five weeks. each class was three hours long. now, i admit that i was a lit major, but by my calculations, we spent FIFTEEN HOURS in labor class, longer, perhaps, than some of our classmates will spend in actual labor.

our newborn care class lasted a grand total of three hours.

now, what's wrong with this picture? labor lasts a day, maybe two. a newborn, from as far as i can tell, lasts between a week to 18 years, depending on how long you decide to keep it. my conclusion here is that the message is obvious: labor is hard; babies are totally easy. boy, i can't tell you how relieved i am.


Blogger Candace said...

Hey, you messed about with the layout, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU??

Oh, sorry. I'm a little on the edge, thanks to my son's music teacher. Bitch.

Anyway, yeah, newborns are TOTALLY easy. So easy, in fact, that I don't remember ANYTHING from my kids' newborn periods. Of course, I wasn't getting much sleep then. And then there was the breast infection that had me in the hospital that one time. Oh, and there were the constant feedings and the constant crying (me, not the kids) and the mountain of laundry and the constant feedings, and did I mention the constant feedings?

But, yeah, newborns are really easy.

Seriously though, while it may not seem like it at the time, this too shall pass. Much too quickly.

4/19/2005 4:32 PM  
Blogger mr. nice guy said...

no. this is how it has always looked. why do you ask?

4/19/2005 5:27 PM  
Anonymous BIYF said...

Ahhhh.. I remember African boobies.. the tube-boob babes of National Geographic were always prime pre-teen giggle material for me and my brothers.


4/19/2005 10:05 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

I applaud your parenthesis brother.

It's the only way to live.

4/20/2005 9:03 PM  

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