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Saturday, November 13, 2004

mr nice guy responds to popular reactions to his having knocked up mrs nice guy

mr nice guy is not naive. and yet (and yet!) he cannot help but stammer when friends, acquaintances and other flotsam that float through the eddies of his life come up to him and ask "were you guys trying?" i mean, COME ON PEOPLE, mr nice guy managed to exist 30 years on this earth without knocking anyone up (accidentally) so he'll answer in the form of a question: WHY'S HE GONNA START NOW? you think he hasn't been around the block? you think he doesn't know the ropes? you think he hasn't attended the weekend sleepover orientation? what? mr nice guy has a pretty reliable track record of keeping the ladies satisfied AND out of paternity court.

anyway. YES. this was planned.

also. here's another thing: at the ripe old age of 30 mr nice guy knows he's going to be a "young" parent. if by "young" you mean "not-a-78-year-old-first-time-parent-in-new-york-city-which-is-of-course-the-standard-by-which-all-things-must-be-judged-with-the-exception-that-in-the-grand-scheme-of-like-the-rest-of-human-history-IT'S-NOT-ACTUALLY-THAT-YOUNG-in fact-i believe-in-1482-at-30-years-old-i-would-have-already-been-a-great-grandfather-and-probably-holy-roman-emperor-grand-wizard-oldest-man-alive," then, yes, i might grant you that i am a young first-time father. (gold star goes to you if you manage to decipher that hyphenated sentence, because i can't.)

anyway, for every single hipster who tells me "whoa, yer havin' a kid, dude. there but for the grace of god -- and condoms -- go i," i have this to say: how come no one ever says "whoa, a kid! fun!"???

dude! granted i am operating without any deep empirical knowledge, but ...


  • kids are fucking FUN. kids rock.
  • having a kid is like having a pet THAT TALKS.
  • having a kid is like having a free indentured servant to do your every bidding EXCEPT THAT IT'S SOCIETALLY KOSHER to compel them to wax the floors and fetch you beer and, like, change the channel.
  • come on, franz ferdinand! having kids is endlessly hilarious (especially if someone else is, like, changing diapers and teaching them morals, which is why i chose the wife i did: she's totally into doing that alone!). they say the darndest things!
  • having a kid is like having that crazy drunk aunt over for lunch ... for EIGHTEEN SOLID YEARS!

in conclusion, cool guy, having a kid is better than hanging out with you.

6 Comments:

Blogger Sie said...

Kids better be fun, because they're going to become Mrs. Nice Guy's whole world and you'd not want to be left out of that would you? (I'm a mom of 3, I can talk.)

11/14/2004 7:14 PM  
Blogger Butch Brooklyn said...

Hey Mr. Nice guy you have a very valid point, whats with it these Brooklyn people whenever I do something out of the norm or try a difrent project they always say... OH you can't do that, or you'll be sorry or nobody ever goes there. a Boro of 3 1/2 million how the heck did we get that big in the first place if nobody ever has children (Kenedy Airport)I stubled across your blog and really enjoyed it. I wish you well Mr. Nice guy and congrats on the talking pet.

11/15/2004 7:55 AM  
Blogger Cattiva said...

True on all points. As to #2..they do talk...and talk...and talk. Never say anything around them that you don't want repeated to Grandma...and the entire 1st grade. And good luck getting nice guy, Jr. to work.

11/15/2004 11:05 AM  
Blogger hcrippen said...

The problem is that they never STOP talking once they start... Even when my 3 are sleeping, somehow they're still talking. Well screaming actually. Wait. Maybe that's me.

11/15/2004 9:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

FOR THE RECORD: I always supported you, i think you DESERVE the joy of children.

The only thing the hipsters have right is this: Within 10 years, you will never, i repeat NEVER be cool again. All parents (and pretty much anyone over the age of 23)are inherently nerdy and out of touch according to their kids. But the upside is how much fun it is to embarras them!!!

11/17/2004 1:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

FOR THE RECORD: I always supported you, i think you DESERVE the joy of children.

The only thing the hipsters have right is this: Within 10 years, you will never, i repeat NEVER be cool again. All parents (and pretty much anyone over the age of 23)are inherently nerdy and out of touch according to their kids. But the upside is how much fun it is to embarrass them!!!

11/17/2004 1:54 PM  

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