this is what the tiny guppy should look like, if all is going according to god's evil designs, right now:
you'll never have it better than this, kid
wouldja just look at that adorable thing. mr nice guy has only one thing to say about this precious sweetness: please don't piss off the vengeful alien freak monster baby living inside my wife, it might rise up and kill us all.
ok, the "facts": "this month your uterus is a little bigger than a grapefruit ... your baby is a fetus now ... it is about the size of an apple" (from: what to expect, p.155). i don't know about you, but mr nice guy is suddenly hungry. garcon! let's have a plate of aged sharp cheddar, a glass of chilled dry riesling and some sliced applebaby. basta! and don't for get to peel the grapefruterus.
also this: "baby is making urine now, and excreting it in the amniotic fluid." ok, so there goes the appetite. let's cancel that order of appplebaby and ... give it a stern talking-to. first of all: ew. no peepee in mama, ok? bad baby! second of all, when you are born i am afraid you're grounded. straight to your room and no tv for a week. i must admit, we're not mad at you. but we are a little disappointed.
finally this: "the head -- which sits on a neck now instead of flat on the shoulders [ew again -- ed.] -- is still disproportionately large, taking up half of baby's crown-to-rump length [crown-to-rump? is this a baby or a horse? --ed.] ... the fetus's eyes are moving closer together and its ears are positioning themselves on the sides of the head -- making it look more human."
ok, what the fuck? remember that sweet 80s show manimal? of course you do! remember when jonathan chase would turn into a hawk or a dingo or whatever and his face would contort in pain and his lips would stretch and his eyes go all beady and move closer together and then -- blammo -- he's a crime-fighting turkey? remember? well, that's what's happening inside my wife. i don't like it.