mmm, grapefruterus
so here we are, rapidly approaching the end of the first trimester. round one clearly goes to our demon baby, but there are two more to go ... and we have steely resolve on our side, kid.
this is what the tiny guppy should look like, if all is going according to god's evil designs, right now:
you'll never have it better than this, kid
wouldja just look at that adorable thing. mr nice guy has only one thing to say about this precious sweetness: please don't piss off the vengeful alien freak monster baby living inside my wife, it might rise up and kill us all.
ok, the "facts": "this month your uterus is a little bigger than a grapefruit ... your baby is a fetus now ... it is about the size of an apple" (from: what to expect, p.155). i don't know about you, but mr nice guy is suddenly hungry. garcon! let's have a plate of aged sharp cheddar, a glass of chilled dry riesling and some sliced applebaby. basta! and don't for get to peel the grapefruterus.
also this: "baby is making urine now, and excreting it in the amniotic fluid." ok, so there goes the appetite. let's cancel that order of appplebaby and ... give it a stern talking-to. first of all: ew. no peepee in mama, ok? bad baby! second of all, when you are born i am afraid you're grounded. straight to your room and no tv for a week. i must admit, we're not mad at you. but we are a little disappointed.
finally this: "the head -- which sits on a neck now instead of flat on the shoulders [ew again -- ed.] -- is still disproportionately large, taking up half of baby's crown-to-rump length [crown-to-rump? is this a baby or a horse? --ed.] ... the fetus's eyes are moving closer together and its ears are positioning themselves on the sides of the head -- making it look more human."
ok, what the fuck? remember that sweet 80s show manimal? of course you do! remember when jonathan chase would turn into a hawk or a dingo or whatever and his face would contort in pain and his lips would stretch and his eyes go all beady and move closer together and then -- blammo -- he's a crime-fighting turkey? remember? well, that's what's happening inside my wife. i don't like it.
this is what the tiny guppy should look like, if all is going according to god's evil designs, right now:
you'll never have it better than this, kid
wouldja just look at that adorable thing. mr nice guy has only one thing to say about this precious sweetness: please don't piss off the vengeful alien freak monster baby living inside my wife, it might rise up and kill us all.
ok, the "facts": "this month your uterus is a little bigger than a grapefruit ... your baby is a fetus now ... it is about the size of an apple" (from: what to expect, p.155). i don't know about you, but mr nice guy is suddenly hungry. garcon! let's have a plate of aged sharp cheddar, a glass of chilled dry riesling and some sliced applebaby. basta! and don't for get to peel the grapefruterus.
also this: "baby is making urine now, and excreting it in the amniotic fluid." ok, so there goes the appetite. let's cancel that order of appplebaby and ... give it a stern talking-to. first of all: ew. no peepee in mama, ok? bad baby! second of all, when you are born i am afraid you're grounded. straight to your room and no tv for a week. i must admit, we're not mad at you. but we are a little disappointed.
finally this: "the head -- which sits on a neck now instead of flat on the shoulders [ew again -- ed.] -- is still disproportionately large, taking up half of baby's crown-to-rump length [crown-to-rump? is this a baby or a horse? --ed.] ... the fetus's eyes are moving closer together and its ears are positioning themselves on the sides of the head -- making it look more human."
ok, what the fuck? remember that sweet 80s show manimal? of course you do! remember when jonathan chase would turn into a hawk or a dingo or whatever and his face would contort in pain and his lips would stretch and his eyes go all beady and move closer together and then -- blammo -- he's a crime-fighting turkey? remember? well, that's what's happening inside my wife. i don't like it.
posted by mr. nice guy at 1:58 PM
2 Comments:
funny!
Jeez, nice dude, it's probably a good thing you don't know what's going on inside your wife's head. Her uterus may prove be least of your worries when those hormones kick in :p
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