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Saturday, November 06, 2004

mmm, grapefruterus

so here we are, rapidly approaching the end of the first trimester. round one clearly goes to our demon baby, but there are two more to go ... and we have steely resolve on our side, kid.

this is what the tiny guppy should look like, if all is going according to god's evil designs, right now:

you'll never have it better than this, kid Posted by Hello

wouldja just look at that adorable thing. mr nice guy has only one thing to say about this precious sweetness: please don't piss off the vengeful alien freak monster baby living inside my wife, it might rise up and kill us all.

ok, the "facts": "this month your uterus is a little bigger than a grapefruit ... your baby is a fetus now ... it is about the size of an apple" (from: what to expect, p.155). i don't know about you, but mr nice guy is suddenly hungry. garcon! let's have a plate of aged sharp cheddar, a glass of chilled dry riesling and some sliced applebaby. basta! and don't for get to peel the grapefruterus.

also this: "baby is making urine now, and excreting it in the amniotic fluid." ok, so there goes the appetite. let's cancel that order of appplebaby and ... give it a stern talking-to. first of all: ew. no peepee in mama, ok? bad baby! second of all, when you are born i am afraid you're grounded. straight to your room and no tv for a week. i must admit, we're not mad at you. but we are a little disappointed.

finally this: "the head -- which sits on a neck now instead of flat on the shoulders [ew again -- ed.] -- is still disproportionately large, taking up half of baby's crown-to-rump length [crown-to-rump? is this a baby or a horse? --ed.] ... the fetus's eyes are moving closer together and its ears are positioning themselves on the sides of the head -- making it look more human."

ok, what the fuck? remember that sweet 80s show
manimal? of course you do! remember when jonathan chase would turn into a hawk or a dingo or whatever and his face would contort in pain and his lips would stretch and his eyes go all beady and move closer together and then -- blammo -- he's a crime-fighting turkey? remember? well, that's what's happening inside my wife. i don't like it.


Blogger J said...

You have to wonder what happened to Carencro. He was such a faithful commentor (commentator?) in the beginning of this blog, yet fell off after the first three or for postings. I can only imagine what he'd have to say regarding the latest entry.

My imagination at work:

"arfar, not to be outdone, mmmmmn;;;;cceee.

looota toota, grapeeyfruiteruseye.

also, i ken this problme,,,,
cmen, a man, amen;n. depart from god. holy moly."

Where art thou, Carencro? Your insight and wisdom is needed.

Also, I'm never having children. Knowing that they could pee inside my wife while they're in them, well that's just, gross.


11/07/2004 6:17 AM  
Blogger mr. nice guy said...


11/07/2004 1:47 PM  
Blogger meg white said...

Jeez, nice dude, it's probably a good thing you don't know what's going on inside your wife's head. Her uterus may prove be least of your worries when those hormones kick in :p

11/07/2004 4:48 PM  

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