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Saturday, June 24, 2006

let's give brooklyn a hand

so the kid woke up at 5:30 this morning. sometimes she does this. other times she sleeps till 6:30. the raw power of that single 60 minutes is astonishing to me. the hour between 5:30 and 6:30 has such magical attributes that if you sleep during it, you wake up refreshed. if you don't, you wake up feeling like someone has crapped in your mouth. but with the kid, there's not telling which one it'll be. it's anybody's guess! this is the sum total of excitement in my life.

actually, that's not entirely true. this morning, after she woke up at 5:30, which is when she woke up, which, you'll notice, is before 6 am because it was at 5:30 in the morning, i changed her and fed her. it was my turn to do the morning shift. and i did it without complaint. we hung out in the house for a while, for about an hour, before going outside. even though we hung out for an hour, it was still only 6:30 in the morning because she woke up at 5:30.

so here's the scene. i was walking down the street, pushing the stroller, at just before 7 am. i head toward my favorite coffee house. i walk past the middle school. i take in the scenery. i glance to my left and i notice a parked car to my left. i notice all its windows are open. i notice there are two people in the front seat. i notice that one person is a pasty male, 40ish. the other person, i notice, is a tramped up woman in her bra, 30ish.

i notice that she is giving him a vigorous handjob.

PRESTO! instant reward for being forced out of bed at 5:30 in the am! i walk by with a quickness, but i am pretty sure that the gentlemen sees me seeing him. the lady does not see me. but i see her elbow flapping like a spastic chicken wing as she works on him with some fervent-yet-impersonal devotion.

the funny thing? when i get to the coffee shop, it isn't open yet because it's still just shy of 7 in the morning and apparently only underslept parents and handjob hookers are out 'n' about. denied of life-giving caffeine i am forced to flip a u-turn with the stroller and walk past the parked car again. i suppose i could cross the street. a normal person would probably do this. but i was risen at 5:30 and i am not going to go out of my way so as not to embarrass Wankyjohn McPeckerpull.

so i amble on back towards my apartment. this time the lady appears to have finished her busywork. she's fixing her hair. again, she does not see me. but homeboy, reclining in his car seat on his pillsbury dough thighs, does. he and i make eye contact. he stares back at me with soul-dead eyes, totally unapologetic. he is in that transcendent state of post-tug bliss.

the sad thing? the only person i had to share this moment with is 13 months old. the whole thing was totally lost on her.


Blogger Gemini Prefect said...

Ah man... that kind of great shit never happens out here in the suburbs.

6/24/2006 1:56 PM  
Blogger Shna said...

"Wankyjohn McPeckerpull"

lol, that made my day! :)

6/24/2006 5:00 PM  
Blogger Kara said...


6/24/2006 6:28 PM  
Blogger Waya said...

I'm speechless! I guess only things like that happen to you, mr. nice guy!

6/24/2006 9:42 PM  
Blogger mystic_eye_cda said...

The coffee shop wasn't open OMG where do you live? If you have to see handjobs you should at least get caffeine

6/24/2006 10:53 PM  
Blogger karla said...

That was you who saw me in that parked car? I'm so embarassed. But hey, I needed a quick $20, and fast. The coffee shop was due to open soon and that's about how much a latte is.

6/25/2006 6:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah and the bad news is that was my last $20

6/26/2006 11:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was once driving into the parking lot of Barnes and Noble in Hoboken around 4:30 in the afternoon and saw a guy romantincally mounting a girl from behind against the wall near the entrance. Then I went inside and had a latte.

6/26/2006 1:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was already laughing, but when I got to Wankyjohn McPeckerpull I lost it altogether and the people who sit outside my office door have already called the men in the white coats.

Frankly, I'm looking forward to a little peace and quiet. Do they have wifi in the insane asylum??

6/26/2006 3:51 PM  
Blogger jdg said...

was he wearing a general's outfit from the Crimean war? I think I know that guy.

6/26/2006 7:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

WHERE DO YOU LIVE? IT'S NOT FAIR! The only thing I get to see are teenagers *trying* to have sex while we're at the drive-in. And even then it's really dark and my husband has to tell me to stop laughing so he can finish watching the movie. Sigh.

For the record, I did spew out a Trader Joe's Honey Sesame Stick while reading your post. Flew clear across the desk onto the floor. Such powerful words you have.

6/26/2006 7:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Our coffee shop doesn't open until 7:00 either. on the weekends they don't open until 8:00.


I'd have thought park slope would have a 6:00 a.m. coffee-shop-playgroup-sing-a-long or something. You oughta look into that.

6/26/2006 10:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Our coffee shop doesn't open until 7:00 either. on the weekends they don't open until 8:00."

Wow, I would think 7 is plenty early for most work-a-day people. And who the hell needs to leave the house before 9 on a weekend? Can you people not relax, make a quick pot at home first, then go out for a refresher with Junior when they open? Your addiction + sense of entitlement slays me! But I guess it's par for the American course..

6/27/2006 11:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Geez Anonymous, lighten up. Do you need an early morning relaxation session too?

6/27/2006 12:47 PM  
Blogger jdg said...

anonymous, you clearly don't have a kid who gives you any grief in the morning. so you can suck it.

6/27/2006 1:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can I borrow $20?

6/27/2006 2:42 PM  
Blogger *Tanyetta* said...

Remember anonymous people aren't cool enough to post their names sooooooooooooo please don't acknowledge them at all.

Ohhhhh back to what I came here to say:
Wankyjohn McPeckerpull---OH MY GOODNESS NOW THAT WAS FUUNNNNNNY. Why did I leave the East Coast again????

6/27/2006 5:08 PM  
Blogger mr. nice guy said...

my name's mr. nice guy and i am not anonymous.

6/27/2006 5:16 PM  
Blogger Maxine Dangerous said...

Hysterical! :)

9/06/2006 7:10 PM  
Blogger Debbie said...

Once when my daughter was a few months old I wanted to breast feed her before we went into a store and not being a public breast flasher I parked my car way out in the middle of nowhere in the parking lot. I still tried to be discreet but when she was all set to go I looked up to see a car parked right next to mine and the wonderful species of human being was pulling his own pecker while watching me breast feed my daughter. And this was smack dab in the buckle of the bible belt where, unfortunately, the hookers aren't up to working in the middle of the afternoon...

9/07/2006 8:52 AM  
Blogger Sassy said...

Oh dear God, I can't stop laughing........I'm pretty sure I've wet myself but you know what? I don't care. I woke up with a mother of a migraine and now you've made my day. Thank you!

9/07/2006 1:48 PM  

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