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Monday, April 09, 2007

god bless my wife, or give her the will to live

as you may have garnered from the last few posts, i have an awesome wife. here you have a beautiful, brilliant, funny, classy, successful woman. and what does her husband do? he whines about his knee, pops pills and begs her to change his socks. when he's feeling better he goes to strip clubs and drinks enough vodka to kill a brontosaurus with eight livers. he dabbles in elaborate facial patterning (in addition to being likened to a member of Boston, he's recently been told that he looks like he's been sealed off in his log cabin, mailing letter bombs). when he hits his stride, he showers once a week. clearly this is not the life she envisioned for herself.

april first marked the 10 year anniversary that we've been living together. we started as platonic roommates (which lasted for nearly two years) before the magic happened. but still, my then-future wife should have intimated that there was a reason i was moving in on april fool's day.

tomorrow it will be another anniversary: four weeks since my knee surgery. at last count, i could bend my knee 50 degrees and haven't put any weight on my left foot in a month. i am not looking for sympathy here -- my point is that i am (even more) worthless (than usual) around the house. i can't really stand up to cook a meal and the one time i tried, it was nearly impossible to take stuff out of the fridge and carry it about. by the time dinner was ready, my knee was extra swollen and sore and i was exhausted. so, cooking is out. i can't carry my daughter anywhere -- i can just barely hop with her in my arms from the crib to the changing table. so, i can 't cook. i can't take care of my kid. you realize what this means, right?

for the past month my wife has been a single working mother of two infants.

it gets worse (for her). a key member of her department has left and she has been doing the work of two management-level people at her firm. so, she has been putting a ridiculous amount of effort into work, but then she has to come home to do laundry, change the cat box, feed her two whiny children and change my socks. she has been doing every single morning shift with the daughter and putting her to bed every single night. she has also been coordinating with home depot and sears and various other folks who are delivering stuff to our house for the kitchen that her parents are going to be here for the next two-to-three weeks installing for us (more on that later).

on saturday, for example, our floors arrived. we are putting bamboo floors into the kitchen. we bought them at home depot. they will be coming to do the actual installation at a later time, but first the floors had to get here. they arrived at 8:30 in the morning on saturday. they arrived on a huge flatbed truck in nine 50-pound boxes, three 60-pound boxes and about 20 giant planks of plywood, plus tape, "liquid nails" and the like. the guy required two trips with a forklift to get them to our front door from the truck.

then he put them on our sidewalk and proceeded to leave. "we don't take them in," he says. "policy."

so picture mrs nice guy, holding our squirmy daughter, and me, on crutches staring back at this guy who required TWO TRIPS WITH A FORKLIFT to get our floors to the front door. we ask him: "how are we supposed to get that inside?" he shrugs. "people do it all the time." then he leaves.

oh, how i wanted to pump him full of liquid nails.

mrs nice guy stares at this mount everest of bamboo flooring on our sidewalk. sighs. puts the toddler down and says "i'll do it. i do everything."

and then she lugged nine 50-pound boxes and three 60-pound boxes into the house all by herself. the neighbors, who were awoken by the deliveryman's forklift, were peering out of windows and outright gawking from their stoops. then mrs nice guy wrestled with a giant slab of plywood on our stoop. and fell down. i didn't see this because i was watching dora the explorer with my daughter.

a benevolent neighbor came over and offered his help, which she almost declined in her true steely new englander fashion. but ultimately she folded and accepted his aide. they got all the flooring and attendant materiel inside. the neighbor left. i congratulated and thanked her.

then she emptied our kitchen cabinets, which are coming down this week, and put their contents in boxes.

i think i had moved on to sesame street by this point. or maybe we were playing with choo-choos. i forget. i do recall that when my daughter pooped i called to my wife and said: "can you take a break from doing everything and take her upstairs to change her. i would, but i can't carry her."

you know what i can do, though? i can carry a beer while i crutch around! taught myself that trick this week--you just hook your index finger around the bottleneck and pinch it with your thumb while the rest of your hand grips the crutch. for some reason, mrs nice guy wasn't impressed when i showed this to her as she was taking the garbage out.


Anonymous MetroDad said...

I see some serious jewelry in mrs. nice guy's future. But you're a lucky man, my friend. I think my wife would have tossed my ass into a convalescence home weeks ago. Good luck with the recovery!

4/09/2007 4:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Forget the jewelry. Start thinking something like a long weekend away someplace warm, sunny, with little umbrella, not with YOU.....with her girlfriends....YOUR TREAT. You can recover first.....she'll need someone to stay home with the little one.

4/09/2007 5:42 PM  
Blogger SETH said...

Lemme get this've got a healthy 2 year old kid, a house in Brooklyn, a wife that makes 9 gazillion times more than you, a town car to drive you to work (where you have cable in your office), you never have to change your kid and a wife that unloads trucks for you?


4/09/2007 7:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just cried for Mrs. Nice Guy.

4/09/2007 10:53 PM  
Blogger The Walshes said...

Wow...I was wondering what Wonder Woman was up to these days...

4/10/2007 12:09 AM  
Anonymous damian said...

i know you're a smart and considerate guy.

and a smart and considerate guy would plan a humdinger of a 'thanks for your support honey - i could never have done it without you' date/weekend/month so that this recovery time doesn't go down in history in her mind as "the time i did everything while he was recovering and he never really tried to show me how appreciative he was and that's when i first considered entering a convent/the NRA/my girlfriend from college".

You seem, however, to be doing well in parenting while like that. kudos to you , mr nice gimp!

4/10/2007 12:52 AM  
Anonymous shaz said...

oh my! she is really nice! I would likely hurt my husband's good knee, just to make sure he was actually in pain! :) hope you feel better soon... for your wife's sake.

4/10/2007 8:24 AM  
Anonymous Kara said...

I'm coming to new york to take your wife out for a nice evening. I feel her pain. Wait, shit, I can't come to New York because my child is still incapable of fully feeding and dressing herself and my husband hasn't stood up to cook a meal or take out the trash since mid-February. At least I don't have to haul plywood.
My husband has an appointment with his orthopod tomorrow to see just how serious that "pop" in his reattached achilles actually is.

You are, as you already know, a very lucky man.

~Kara (who-also-posts-as capebuffalo-when-she-can-get-your ancient-ass-version-of-blogger-to-work-why-don't-you-just-switch-to-beta-like-the-rest-of-the-damn-world-its-not-like-you're-too-busy-helping-around-the-house-to-click-the-stupid-box-next-time-you-log-in.)

P.S. feel better soon!

4/10/2007 8:25 AM  
Blogger mr. nice guy said...

kara buffalo (i know who you are, dangit) -- i've tried to update! it won't let me. besides, i have heard horror stories. also, isn't my old school style charming?

everyone else: mrs nice guy has sworn she will take a solo vacation when this is over. "18 days," she said. "what will i do for sex?" i asked. she thought for a second: "make that 20 days."

4/10/2007 10:48 AM  
Blogger Maxine Dangerous said...

Oh my. I know you can't help it, but you might want to start sleeping with one eye open. :)

4/10/2007 3:24 PM  
Anonymous mel said...

okay, a vacation is too finite a reward for the missus. you need to take on several horrible tasks for at least two years or beyond to make up for this. you are beyond lucky; I'm considering asking for missus' contact info so I can set her straight... well, better not--I'll stay out of it as I do not know either of you personally.

AND--if you can still manage sex and are inquiring about it in her anticipated absence? then? you must be capable of doing more than you're letting us know about! get to work, soldier gimp!

4/10/2007 3:32 PM  
Anonymous samantha Jo Campen said...

When she divorces you, I'd like to marry her.

Please and thank you.

4/10/2007 8:08 PM  
Blogger Lay Clerk said...

Nice move with the beer! Being at week 4 out of 3 months on crutches with a ruptured Achilles Tendon, I discovered a similar trick with a champagne flute on Sunday. Oh, the sheer decadence!

4/11/2007 4:14 AM  
Blogger just_impaired said...

how manly. how so very manly. manly. yep. ......
by this, i mean
your wife!

4/11/2007 10:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude, I foresee a time in the very near future when Bride of Mr. Nice Guy turns into The Bride from KillBill. If she comes home with a katana, starting hopping real fast in the opposite direction .....

4/11/2007 1:12 PM  
Blogger stay-at-home mommy said...

Your wife is a saint.

4/12/2007 12:36 AM  
Anonymous dreama said...

My husband calls from work to ask if I had read Mr. Nice Guy for Monday. And, he ponders, "How do guys like that get women like that? Mr. Nice Guy must have a huge schlong."

I told him you probably have a great personality. ;-)

4/12/2007 11:20 AM  
Anonymous L.A. Daddy said...

You're a very lucky man, indeed. I'd be signing divorce papers right about now...

Better buy that woman some flowers, dude. But make sure the delivery guy will bring them in.

4/13/2007 12:53 AM  
Blogger Laura said...

You know things are bad when you remember the anniversary of your knee surgery! Stop looking back and look forward for a change. Make a difference in someone's life dude!

4/13/2007 5:53 PM  
Blogger Fairly Odd Mother said...

Happy Anniversary of living together. Your wife sounds like an amazing person. I would've thrown the diaper bag at your head and told you to get a'changing. Hope your knee is better soon---more for her sanity, I think!

4/14/2007 7:54 AM  
Anonymous sheri said...

Mr. Nice Guy,
You need to go to your local store of choice and get a basket. Place the diapers and wipes in your basket, along with a changing pad. Put that next to the couch you have decided to call home and I can guarantee you will get to have sex with your wife again. Just do it. If you chose not to listen to my advice, oh well, poor you.

4/14/2007 4:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear God,

My wife is now looking for a job, please please help her and give her a job, she just had a 2nd interview yesterday, and now waiting for the result. it is just really a hard for both of us, God i holp you can help her and help me Please. both of us are so worry now... and a lot of pressures..... dear God, please release my wife's pressure. i dont want her suffer...


5/21/2008 1:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks God,

My wife got the job. Thank you so much...


5/22/2008 1:54 AM  

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