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Wednesday, October 04, 2006

no time out for T.O.


news like this is too good not to share. now, i'm no mega-sportsfan, but even mr. nice guy knows a steaming heap of greatness when he smells one. and here, dear readers, is one glorious pile of awesome: the terrell owens children's book.
"Little T Learns to Share" will tackle book stores on November 15.

co-authored [which is publishing lingo for "fully authored"] by television writer Courtney Parker, "Little T" depicts the travails of Owens as a boy learning to share his new football with friends. thank god we have role models like this. i mean let's take a good look at adult T.O. and examine exactly why he's the right man for this important book:

  • in 2003, after leaving the 49ers and breaking off all ties to the team, Owens appeared in an interview for Playboy magazine, in which he shared insinuations that teammate Jeff Garcia was gay.
  • in September of 2004, he "co-authored" an autobiography: "Catch This! Going Deep with the NFL's Sharpest Weapon." in 2005 he shared that he had never actually read said "autobiography."
  • in November 2005 he shared his opinion in an interview that the Eagles--his employers--lacked class. he also shared his feelings that teammate Donovan McNabb, who was playing with a sports hernia among other injuries, was not a "hero" while Brett Favre, who played for someone else, was.
  • let us not forget the accidental suicide non-attempt attempt scandal that unravelled messily when Owens shared too much hydrocodone with his digestive tract late last month.

friends if anyone ever asks you: who will think of the children? you now know the answer: verily, terrell owens will swoop down, a winged angelic mercury, and shield our babes from all manner of sins.

what's that you say? humbug? our Little T is the very embodiment of pride, envy, slander, narcissism and betrayal? pshaw! the man can run! and catch! verily, he deserves every penny of his 3-year, $25 million deal, and his $5 million signing bonus, in addition to his $5 million first year salary. so. give him another $7 million and tell him to take a break from all his hard work. and be sure to thank him for allowing his name to appear on the book jacket.

6 Comments:

Anonymous kpg said...

ha! This is fricking hilarious. I am ashamed to say I actually have TO in my fantasy football league, but he's still putting points on the board for me.

10/05/2006 11:54 AM  
Blogger henna said...

Ha, FUTO ! From here in Philly...we are having sponsored "Burn your TO gear" parties. This takes it though. Book burning anyone?

10/05/2006 12:30 PM  
Blogger cluelesscarolinagirl said...

delicious sarcasm. thank you for this post.

10/05/2006 2:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mr. Nice Guy, to whom I am related...I am once again blown away by your awesomeness. Way TO go. M

10/08/2006 1:53 PM  
Blogger tAnYeTTa said...

"u so crazy"! lol

10/09/2006 2:09 PM  
Anonymous Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

I can't think of anyone I would rather willingly give money to less than T.O.

Okay, that isn't true, but any sports figure I would rather give money to less.

10/12/2006 2:39 PM  

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