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Wednesday, August 24, 2005

introducing: TOMNGPFSBACSWOLPE



mr nice guy realizes he is very, very fortunate. how many people do you know who get to take 5-plus months off from work to stay at home with a child that (at least in theory) sleeps most of the time? i mean, this is unprecedented in my life! i have a sweet brown sugarmama and all i have to do in exchange for an extended vacation from office politics and groveling is change a few diapers. people! i must make the most of my time because before i know it, my leave will be over and i will be sitting at work, wearing pants, with nothing more than a handful of regrets. why didn't i spend my time more productively, i'll ask myself. there is so much i could have done to improve the house, my intellect, my body, my spirit. i could have written a book, built homes for the homeless, picked up jogging, mastered mahjongg, achieved total enlightenment. if only i had the time to do over again!

no regrets for me, people! i am a carpe diem kind of mr nice guy. so heretoforthwith allow me to present to you a simple plan, The Official Mr Nice Guy Prospectus for Self-Betterment and Community Service While on Leave Project Experiment (or, for brevity's sake, you can use the catchy acronym: TOMNGPFSBACSWOLPE). behold productivity inaction ... er, i mean, "productivity in action":

1. i swear to you, readers, i will grow the deadliest sideburns known to man. this project is already underway, actually, and although mrs nice guy has taken a page from Lysistrata and threatened to withhold sexual favors until i shave my inchoate muttonchops, i refuse to stand down! my sideburns will be known far and wide as the greatest, most feared sideburns of all time. they shall have their own area code! they will have healing powers for the pure-of-heart! they will steal from the rich and give to the poor! they will be so insidious that my enemies will not even know they are upon them until it is too late. they will be silent, but exceedingly violent when necessary, sideburns.

2. i will cultivate the greatest ipod on earth. i shall achieve the rank of
33rd degree grand master ipod-mason, undefeated in all categories: best playlists, best songs, quickest on the draw. word of my iProwess will spread through the land and pilgrims will come. rich and poor alike will travel many miles, braving pestilence, famine and charges of heresy, to pay homage to my ipod, to perhaps catch a glimpse of it on the subway and maybe -- just maybe! -- see me plug it into my bose sounddock (tm) and take it for a spin, its gleaming whiteness a testimony to the purity of every single one of the lovingly hand-picked songs therein.

3. figure out how to never work again and yet become independently wealthy, primarily by pimping off my child either to modeling agencies or black market organ-harvesting mobsters.


4. i will ponder the most inscrutible of mysteries: surely there must be a way to not feel completely sexless and incapable of delivering a single frisson of dangerous erotic intrigue to the ladies while walking down the street on a sunny afternoon with a baby hanging around one's neck. i could be Pierce Fucking Brosnan but when you strap a baby bjorn on me, instantly i become Eunuch McDoucheboy. do you know what this does to one's id, burdened as it is already by one's tiny penis?

5. get knee surgery. i have had a torn meniscus for about two years but keep putting off the necessary arthroscopy because ... well, because i have already had five knee surgeries on various ruptured parts and i don't feel like having number six. still, if i hope to be able to dance at my daughter's wedding (although, let's face it: it'll be a miracle if she ever manages to hold down a long-term relationship with anyone given the fact that she wakes up screaming and farting every 20 minutes), i better have my knee fixed. as it is, it is impossible to sit through an entire movie or flight or car ride without standing up and straightening my knee--a flaming knot of fire and pain and flaming firepain--which is greatly annoying to the person driving.

6. think up more things to put on this list while i grapple with the sudden bout of self-loathing that has descended upon me.

there you have it! the top six paths to mr nice guy's self-betterment and community service in the coming months. watch this website as i grow.

21 Comments:

Anonymous Mamamer said...

Hmm, my husband has been hit on more times with our baby strapped to his chest in the bjorn than ever in his adult life (or so he claims). What is up with that?

8/24/2005 5:40 PM  
Blogger I am a Milliner's Dream, a woman of many "hats"... said...

Excellent post...excellent plan...I look forward to reading how it comes to fruition, Mr.NiceGuy.

Hh

8/24/2005 7:03 PM  
Anonymous Anna said...

I just need to point out that my husband gets hit on constantly when he wears the baby in the Bjorn. Sometimes when I'm standing right there. Often by really hot women. My (single) brother keeps asking if he can borrow the baby.

When I have the baby I just get surrounded by grasping and cooing little old ladies who I'm fairly certain are trying to steal her life essence.

8/24/2005 7:32 PM  
Anonymous heather said...

I agree with the other folks. My husband is a veritable chick magnet when he is carrying our son. However, he wears him in a manly backpack, as opposed to the sissified Bjorn (his words, not mine.)

Unfortunately, I am also surrounded by cooing octagenerians when I am carrying the progeny.

8/24/2005 7:55 PM  
Anonymous kate of salt lake said...

i just picked myself up off the floor and wiped the tears from my eyes. i look forward to more self-improvement posts.

8/24/2005 7:59 PM  
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8/24/2005 8:15 PM  
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8/24/2005 8:30 PM  
Blogger Candace said...

Yeah, I'm adding my voice to the Bjorn = hottness crowd. We haven't had an infant for quite a while, but when our daughter was a baby, the chicks would swarm when he strapped on that carrier.

8/24/2005 8:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm no one, but I love this website. I'm a girl, with some babies under my belt..and it kills me to hear the other side. I also read blogs and never, ever post--you're my first. I hereby represent all those who read and never give you any indication of your burgeoning underground fame.

8/24/2005 10:16 PM  
Blogger Indri said...

Do the meniscus. I know the pain you're talking about, and life's too short. I've had both the meniscus and the ACL of my left knee operated on, and the meniscus is nothing compared to the cruciate.

And that baby's not going to get any lighter, you know. Before dancing at her wedding, don't you want to be able to run behind holding her bike until she can balance it? Or chase off her suitors? You can wave the shotgun all you like, but if you're doubled over in pain nobody's going to take that shit seriously.

8/25/2005 1:34 AM  
Blogger Denotsko said...

I have always found nirvana to be best found on the sofa, wearing only boxer shorts, bowl of ice cream in hand, watching Cartoon Network while away from work; but I guess if self improvement is your thing, have fun.

8/25/2005 1:45 AM  
Anonymous Jennifer said...

That is odd. When the hubby stayed home with the Rugrat for 10 months he practically lived at the mall to get more of that female attention.

It helped that our kid is incredibly adorable and people from far and wide come to gaze upon her cuteness.

You need to showcase Baby Nice Guy's adorableness more. A Bjorn dosnet cut it.

8/25/2005 10:45 AM  
Anonymous egohound said...

"they will be silent, but exceedingly violent when necessary, sideburns."

This is quite possibly the greatest line you have ever written.

8/25/2005 12:12 PM  
Blogger mr. nice guy said...

thank you, egohound. all this talk about the hotness of baby bjorns is uplifting and all. but what mystifies me is the lack of fear, awe and reverence with which my sideburns have been met.

8/25/2005 12:22 PM  
Blogger birthfree said...

My husband is the KingPin of chops so I know the fear and sometimes loathing power they can carry. May you have much fun growing those bad boys.

8/25/2005 4:25 PM  
Anonymous vb said...

I laugh at your ambitious plan, & so will Baby Nice Guy as she grows older. She will be changing faster than a speeding bullet - and not to be EASIER.

Did no one mention that your baby's sole role is to dash your plans? I think you will have to run the sideburns by her, first.

8/25/2005 5:10 PM  
Blogger Not-For-Profit Dad said...

I think we need to make a semantic clarification viz-a-viz the bjorn hotness quotient. I think it would be inaccurate to say that I have ever been "hit on" while wearing the bjorn, if by "hit on" you mean a flirtatious interaction with the implication of possible tonsil tennis and sexual intercourse. If by "hit on" you mean that women who normally wouldn't have glanced twice in my direction have actually spoken to me and allowed me to inhale the freely dispensed pheremones generated by the impending expiration date of their fertility, then yes. I have been hit-on while having one "strapped on."

8/25/2005 9:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

are you sure you would like to add "training for the next world beard and mustache contest" to the list? I mean really, what else is holding you back. Sideburns have nothing on the waxed 'stache.

8/25/2005 10:52 PM  
Blogger mr. nice guy said...

anonymous: you have tapped into the great shame and sadness of my life -- i cannot grow a proper moustache. it pains me beyond words to type that sentence for all the world to see, but alas, it's true. otherwise i would gladly do my damnedest to best rollie fingers. that said, i did know a guy who took 3rd place in the freestyle moustache competition at the world beard and moustache (and i don't care how you want to spell it, i spell it "moustache") championships in carson city. no lie.

not-for-profit dad: i think i love you.

8/26/2005 8:56 AM  
Anonymous mercybuttercup said...

I hate to tell you this, but I'm waaaay ahead of you on #2. Plus, I don't have any other items on my list, so my entire life as an unemployed - I mean, stay-at-home - mom has been dedicated to building the perfect iPod.

Really, my only weakness on this front is that I have a 20gb model and I badly need a 40. I tell you this so you will not feel totally defeated at the outset.

Good luck with this daunting challenge.

8/26/2005 1:44 PM  
Blogger cluelesscarolinagirl said...

Aw come on dude! My husband used to venture out with our two tiny adorable Chinese kids and a tiny white toy poodle and a baseball bat to beat back all the swarming femmes.

8/26/2005 3:08 PM  

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