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Wednesday, May 04, 2005

making a list. checking it twice.

a screenshot from the forthcoming movie 'the wedding crashers.' how come real life news isn't as rad as this? president walken!

seeing as how the baby is at term, has apparently dropped and is threatening to pop out at any given moment, now seems like as good a time as any to leave town start thinking about what to bring to the hospital that fateful moment when mrs nice guy looks tenderly into my eyes and says "honey, it's time."

first, of course, i will probably not quite grasp the horrible meaning of her words. "it's so totally not time, sweetie. it's newsweek. you saw that screengrab at the top of this entry. pay attention."

"um, yeah. actually, i meant it's time to go to the hospital. i think i'm going into labor ... honey? honey, get off the floor. stop clawing at your eyes and making that terrible noise."

sometime between getting off the floor and drunk, i will have to grab the necessary delivery-room gear. and in that scatterbrained state, it would behoove your hero to have a list handy with which to get the packing done. and so here it is, delivery room essentials!

let's check in with our old friend armin brott for a looksee at what his book suggests that the expectant father ought to have handy (p 154-5). (i shall leave out boring items like "diapers" for the "new baby" and such. generally, it's a good list except, as you'll see, for the last item below)

for mom:
  • "a bathrobe a nightgown, or even one of your old t-shirts that she won't mind getting a little blood on." ok. that's scary.
  • "CD or tape player and some favorite music." you know it! i want the first thing baby nice guy to hear on this earth to be the honeyed voice of mr boombastic himself. is this a delivery room or a Shaggy danceparty? why can't it be both?!
  • "warm socks and/or slippers (again, ones she won't mind getting bloody)." umm. is she giving birth or turning inside-out?

for me, armin brott suggests i bring:

  • "comfortable clothes." but i already ordered the rental tux. damn.
  • "some magazines ... to read to her." would the midwife get freaked out if i started reading penthouse letters aloud? "dear penthouse, i never thought i'd have a three-way, but there i was in the delivery room when this hot slab of manflesh strolled in with his panting wife ..."
  • "tennis balls for back rubs." ah, yes, tennis balls for backrubs. and while we're at it, how about chopsticks to replenish her fluids. and besides, i think it's the wife who'll need the backrubs, not me. thanks anyway.
  • "camera and film." "jesus, honey, would you sit still for a second? the baby's crowning and your leg is in the way!"
  • "this book." oh man! you can suck my left nut, armin brott.

mostly this book fails because it doesn't tell me how much scotch i'll need to last me through the whole ordeal.


Blogger AJ said...

Armin Brott is his pen name. His ACTUAL name is Headin Ass.

5/04/2005 3:00 PM  
Blogger cafemama said...

as much as i'd like to tell you the blood thing is just armin brott bein' crazy ... i took a pillow and a bathrobe home in a bright red "biohazard" bag. the hospital pillowcases, towels and sheets that were ALSO soaked with my blood went to the incinerator. so sorry to be the bearer of bad news: labor is BLOODY.

5/04/2005 5:34 PM  
Blogger Moo Moo said...

Drink a lot of bloody scotch my man, and good luck to you and the missus!

DAMN I think I love Mr. Nice Guy, he makes me laugh and think of Hubby, I think he is your CLONE!

5/04/2005 7:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I went commando in the delivery room so I didn't get any stains or anything. They just tucked a blanket around me and off I went. I would suggest a chew toy since I bit through the blanket but I don't want to scare you. You do need socks for Mrs. Nice Guy cause if you are in a 'delivery room' it is cold. Most places have rooms that you labor and delivery in now so maybe it isn't so bad.
Take something to read, take your cell phone but turn it off until the baby is born, get thoughtful after birth giftfor the wife when she's done, maybe some snacks and a valium for you.... and save the camera for when everyone's cleaned up. An outfit and car seat for the kid to come home in. We needed to run to Wackmart for some stuff because our son was early and we had no clothing nor money at the time. But it all worked out. Good Luck and remember it's all worth it.

5/04/2005 7:29 PM  
Anonymous Cousin_Ryumi said...

I'm hooked! I started reading your blog about a week ago and I'm hooked! Good luck with the delivery and the baby!

5/05/2005 4:14 AM  
Blogger Candace said...

Copious amounts of blood will be spilled and shot across the room. It's pretty gross, really. And it's not *just* the blood. The baby will come out covered in some sort of grayish sticky film. I forget the medical name for it. The doc asked me (the minute the baby came out) if I wanted to hold the baby and I said, "No, I'm good. You can clean her up first!" I'm kinda squeamish about body fluids.

But yeah, the blood. Lots of it.

Oh, you might want to call ahead and see if your hospital (midwives' center?) has VCRs or DVDs. My hospital did but we didn't know ahead of time. There might be quite a bit of downtime, what with it being her first baby.

5/05/2005 9:35 AM  
Blogger B said...

My wife is at 37 weeks and I also realized that maybe I should figure out what we need to take to the hospital . . . I read Armin Brott's list and I agree a nut sucking is in order.

Scotch sounds good, however I bet the medical staff might not be very amused when you pull the bottle out of your bag, and I imagine your laboring wife will be even less amused.

Thanks for your site, it's been a great read and the timing is impeccable. Good luck and warm wishes to you and yours.

5/05/2005 1:56 PM  
Anonymous Gerah said...

How do I say this kindly... Well, after I gave birth, the delivery room looked like someone had beheaded a chicken in there. That was before I attempted to use the restroom which was about 2 square feet around. You should have seen the place. No. You shouldn't have.

I felt bad for the custodial people. I remember trying to clean the bathroom 2 hours after ejecting a 9 lb. baby from my vagina cause it was so gross. I could barely move, but was on the floor with a piece of toilet paper trying to wipe up all the bodily fluids.

Ech. Sorry. I can't believe I just wrote that.

5/05/2005 2:33 PM  
Blogger cafemama said...

hah! gerah, i can relate...while i didn't notice the blood much while i was in labor, i did try to clean up the blood on the floor in my equally tiny bathroom on my first time up after the c-section. abdominal incision be damned, i wasn't going to leave blood all over the bathroom floor!

5/05/2005 6:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Eh, it won't necessarily be that bad. I just had my first on Sunday morning, and there was very little blood.

Of course, the whole thing took only 6 hours from start to finish, and things progressed so quickly at the hospital that the doctor almost missed it - he basically walked into the room, caught the baby, and we were done. So my labour wasn't exactly typical!

5/05/2005 11:20 PM  

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