making a list. checking it twice.

a screenshot from the forthcoming movie 'the wedding crashers.' how come real life news isn't as rad as this? president walken!


seeing as how the baby is at term, has apparently dropped and is threatening to pop out at any given moment, now seems like as good a time as any to leave town start thinking about what to bring to the hospital that fateful moment when mrs nice guy looks tenderly into my eyes and says "honey, it's time."

first, of course, i will probably not quite grasp the horrible meaning of her words. "it's so totally not time, sweetie. it's newsweek. you saw that screengrab at the top of this entry. pay attention."

"um, yeah. actually, i meant it's time to go to the hospital. i think i'm going into labor ... honey? honey, get off the floor. stop clawing at your eyes and making that terrible noise."

sometime between getting off the floor and drunk, i will have to grab the necessary delivery-room gear. and in that scatterbrained state, it would behoove your hero to have a list handy with which to get the packing done. and so here it is, delivery room essentials!

let's check in with our old friend armin brott for a looksee at what his book suggests that the expectant father ought to have handy (p 154-5). (i shall leave out boring items like "diapers" for the "new baby" and such. generally, it's a good list except, as you'll see, for the last item below)

for mom:

• "a bathrobe a nightgown, or even one of your old t-shirts that she won't mind getting a little blood on." ok. that's scary.
• "CD or tape player and some favorite music." you know it! i want the first thing baby nice guy to hear on this earth to be the honeyed voice of mr boombastic himself. is this a delivery room or a Shaggy danceparty? why can't it be both?!
• "warm socks and/or slippers (again, ones she won't mind getting bloody)." umm. is she giving birth or turning inside-out?

for me, armin brott suggests i bring:

• "comfortable clothes." but i already ordered the rental tux. damn.
• "some magazines ... to read to her." would the midwife get freaked out if i started reading penthouse letters aloud? "dear penthouse, i never thought i'd have a three-way, but there i was in the delivery room when this hot slab of manflesh strolled in with his panting wife ..."
• "tennis balls for back rubs." ah, yes, tennis balls for backrubs. and while we're at it, how about chopsticks to replenish her fluids. and besides, i think it's the wife who'll need the backrubs, not me. thanks anyway.
• "camera and film." "jesus, honey, would you sit still for a second? the baby's crowning and your leg is in the way!"
• "this book." oh man! you can suck my left nut, armin brott.

mostly this book fails because it doesn't tell me how much scotch i'll need to last me through the whole ordeal.