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Wednesday, March 30, 2005

why men get a bad rap

but he did have such a purty mouth

after I arose this morning and performed my daily ablutions--shower, facial scrubs, manicure and the application of various scented unguents--it was time to shave. as I liberally applied my trusty dimethicone skin protectant exfoliating shaving gel, I was reminded of Lord Byron's sage words from his don juan epic:

men for their sins
Have shaving too entail'd upon their chins,-
A daily plague, which in the aggregate
May average on the whole with parturition

you follow? byron asserts that the aggregate sensation of a lifetime of face-shaving is as painful to men as childbirth is to women. do you realize what this means? (aside from the fact that apparently the greatest romantic poet was completely insane) the real point here is that, ladies, THE JIG IS UP. you think passing a basketball through a needle's eye is painful?!? try living in our faces for a week! YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE NICKS. and, woe, the rashes! the rashes we endure will shame you all into silence!

what's that? your labor resulted in rectal fistulae? vaginal tearing? bah! i scoff! i'll have you know i went through 37 interminable seconds of bleeding and some very minor annoyance this morning! i hadn't even had my coffee yet!

wimp, thy name is woman!

UPDATE! byron, buddy, it's that time of year again. can you and your tender, tender face handle these dudes?


Blogger Gerah said...



Geeze, I'm kidding!

No, I'm not. If I were your wife I'd drip lemon juice in your facial nicks while you sleep.

Geeze, I'm kidding!

No, I'm not.

Good post, brotha.

3/30/2005 6:55 PM  
Blogger susyanna said...

I see your 10 years of shaving and raise you one bikini wax. Not even a Brazilian. Just the regular 4 minute torture session. RIPPPP....

3/30/2005 10:26 PM  
Anonymous suburban*misfit said...

I used to think childbirth was the worst pain I had ever or would ever experience.

Then I had an ear infection. Let's call it the ear infection from hell. I'm still *in* it, but the pain is gone. How is the pain gone, you say? Because my eardrum PERFORATED. That's right. In the midst of the worst of the pain (at four in the morning), as I was begging God or Allah or Buddah or someassed deity to END MY PAIN, my eardrum burst and all the angels sang and I immediately fell asleep.

I wanted to die. It was worse than the two times I have experienced childbirth (one ended in an emergency c-section, one was a perfect vaginal delivery). WORSE. I AM NOT KIDDING.

And I still can't hear out of my left ear. Oh, and while I sleep (and every now and then while I'm up and about) stuff comes out of my ear. Nasty stuff. Blood colored.


3/30/2005 11:42 PM  

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