if it's a girl we're naming her Edema. so pretty.

so the nice guys have a new houseguest. her name is edema. it would appear mrs nice guy's ankles have taken on the character of the mighty sequoia: throbbing red, thick and rigid, endangered. that's right -- she's retaining water like a drought was coming. not that she had any difficulty walking or dressing herself without the edema, no, this is just an added bonus treat. and here we thought the belly was the only thing to get swollen! what fools we mortals be.

what is this edema (besides a word that is spelled similar to "enema" although verrrrrry different in meaning, as i learned the excruciatingly hard way the other night -- don't ask.)? it seems that as her uterus grows--which, these days, is its wont--it puts pressure on her pelvic veins and her vena cava (not a very important vein, just the one that runs along the right side of your body, receiving blood from your lower limbs and carrying it back to the heart. you know, nothing useful). this pressure, not unlike stepping on a garden hose, slows down circulation and causes blood to pool in your legs, forcing fluid from your veins into the tissues of your feet and ankles.

all fascinating stuff, you are no doubt thinking. but what does it mean for mrs nice guy in particular? it means that when she takes her socks off at the end of the day, whatever pattern was on them has been angrily branded into her skin. basically, my wife is so hep, her ankles are argyle.

so legendary is this curse, that i believe Homer was initially going to base the iliad on the epic tale of the goddess Edema and the mighty Sciatica as they struggled with women unfortunate enough to be gestating. i just happen to have an early manuscript, before he decided instead to write about Achilles.

Sing, O Muse, the anger of Edema, daughter of Uterus, that brought countless ills upon Mrs Nice Guy. A brave Mr. Nice Guy did it send hurrying down to Hades, and many a husband did it yield a prey to dogs and vultures, for so were the counsels of Sciatica fulfilled from the day on which the daughter of Uterus, queen of pregnancy, and great Mrs Nice Guy, first fell out with one another.

it goes on much in this manner. another interesting fact -- you know that part in the iliad where achilles is done in by that weak spot on his ankle? Well, scholars now believe it was because he too had been cursed by the vengeful goddess Edema! it's the only thing that survived Homer's original draft. for real.