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Wednesday, March 23, 2005

paging Dr McSnatchpants

oh man! not sure how to start this one, but here goes. my wife's OB/GYN practice has four doctors and over the course of the pregnancy we're supposed to see each doc at least once. the logic here: one of the four will be on call the moment mrs nice guy goes into labor. so we have a 25 percent chance of getting any single one of these doctors. makes sense, right?

here's the fatal flaw: we just met doctor number four tonight, 31.9 weeks into pregnancy and ... not to put too fine a point on it ... WE FUCKING HATE HER. if this doctor is the one who delivers my child--if this Dr. Snatchy McSnatchpants is the first person my baby sees--i will have no option other than to hang myself with its umbilical cord. here's how it went down:

6:14 pm: we finally get to see her for our 5:45 appointment. she apologizes, explaining that she was just at the hospital delivering babies. and, presumably, eating them

6:21 pm: we tell her what we have told all the other doctors so far--we have a birthplan (ie, our flexible desire to have the ability to walk around during labor, to avoid an episiotomy, to have some time to bond with baby before it's whisked away to be weighed, registered and have the microchip inserted under its skin). but before we can tell her our birthplan's key points she goes "yeah, yeah. birthplan. let me guess: no c-section. blah blah blah." apparently she learned her bedside manners in alcatraz.

6:23 pm: she tells us that during labor of course we can listen to CDs, watch DVDs in the room if we want. we could watch porn if we were so inclined. (this actually made me like her a little bit) (i really wish i were joking)

6:25 pm: when we finally do tell her what is entailed in our birthplan Dr McSnatchpants proceeds to tell us that that's all well and good, but if anything is going wrong with the baby, all birthplan bets are off. that, of course, is fine. we say priority numero uno is the baby's health. Dr McSnatchpants implies a second time that we are placing our own comfort ahead of the baby's health. she then tells us a story: "today i was in the delivery room and the mother was tired--the baby was halfway out and she just didn't want to push any more. when the baby's heart rate slowed down a little i told her 'listen, either you push harder or i'm going in with forceps to get the baby!'" gee, doc, that's a great story. nice to know you talk to your patients like they were the babies.

oh, and also, Dr McSnatchpants? if you TALK TO MY WIFE LIKE THAT JUST ONCE DURING LABOR I WILL GRAB THE FORCEPS FROM YOU, TAKE YOU BY THE HEAD AND INSERT YOU INTO YOUR OWN CRAGGY UTERUS.

6:27 pm: we again stress how important it is to us that we avoid an episiotomy. she again implies that we are putting mrs nice guy's comfort ahead of baby's health. then she says "episiotomies are increasingly rare in new york." we say, yes, we know this. she replies, so help me god, "so are you testing my knowledge or something? i teach at NYU! i think i know what i'm talking about!"

and so on. mrs nice guy spoke with the clinic today and said: look, we've been happy with the care we've received so far, but care is apparently a word that is not in Dr. McSnatchpants' vocabulary. we are strongly considering going to another practice because there is no way this shebeast is delivering our baby if she happens to be on call (of which there is a 25 percent chance. i do not like those odds).

you know what the funny thing is? we learned that this is the second complaint Dr. McSnatchpants has received.

you know what the really funny thing is? SHE HAS ONLY BEEN AT THE PRACTICE FOR FOUR MONTHS.

11 Comments:

Blogger Moo Moo said...

Wow... Dr. S sounds like a shebeast... scary... We also have a clinic where we have to meet all the doctors that work there.. I am at 22 weeks and still haven't gone to anyone else that the initial doctor... I hope Shebeast doesn't come out to Colorado. I would like to know how to re-insert a person into her own uterus, it could come in handy sometime.. haha

3/23/2005 7:39 PM  
Blogger Michael G said...

You are lucky (or cursed) to meet your possible doctors. We have K_____ and we see (my wife sees) an OB, but when it is time to deliver, we will get a midwife who will be working at the hospital.

The birth of our first boy, went Fantastic, everyone was great. I just hope thye do not fire your OB from hell and she gets hired at my hospital before my second baby is born.

3/23/2005 11:15 PM  
Blogger Bananasplut said...

You're not going to like labor and delivery for your first child at all and hating the OB will be the cherry on top. It is a deeply distressing experience, given how much pain Mrs. NiceGuy is likely to be in and how essentially useless you're going to be. You can try and you can do all the things that you've been coached to do, and in the end, you're going to be stunned by what Mrs. NiceGuy can and did put up with. We definitely reached a point where I was willing to sacrifice goats, chickens, the OB, the nurses, the unborn child, just to have my wife back in a non-pained state of mind.

3/24/2005 10:23 AM  
Anonymous Kim said...

It constantly astounds me when people with zero social skills end up in positions dealing with other humans. She presumably went through an interview process where at some point the Powers That Be decided that this person would be an asset to their organization. Truly amazing.

3/24/2005 10:42 AM  
Blogger emjaybee said...

Hmm, that sound suspiciously like the OB/GYN office on Park Ave. I'm about to dump. They have the same setup (4 docs, you might get any of them) and I've met three. But since the nicest one already told me a) they'd induce if I didn't pop in time, even if the kid appeared to be fine, b) IV's were mandatory the minute I walked in, I'd already decided to switch to a nurse midwife.

Plus, their office has a policy right out of a Seinfeld episode--don't show and don't cancel 24 hours beforehand, they charge you 50 bucks. Screw that.

3/24/2005 10:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hmmmm...this is mrs. nice guy. to the poster above, i think we actually may be talking about the very self-same practice. Ours isn't on Park, but between Lex & 3rd. In the 30's. If they *are* one in the same, how funny (appalling?) that you've had a run-in with them as well. the world is small.

Curious to know if you've found someone you like...I'm a little far along to find someone new, but definitely actively considering it after Tuesday's debacle.

3/24/2005 7:02 PM  
Blogger emjaybee said...

Oh, you're right, it is in the 30s at Lex...I was thinking of the route I took walking there (up Park). I'm pretty sure it's the same as yours.

I have an appt. with a nurse midwife next week, but she's in Brooklyn close to where I live (this one was close to my work) so I don't know if I can help you much. But if you really feel uncomfortable, you have the right to switch docs or to a midwife (depending on the kind of birth you want/which hospital you want).

And like you said, there's only one of them I really object to, the other three were fairly nice to me. If you guys are happy with the traditional birth (IV, epidural, etc) you're probably ok. I don't think most OBGyns really show up until show time anyway..till that point, it's just a nurse checking in on you. So I'm told. So hopefully if you get the rude one, she won't be there for most of it. And there's no reason to think she's a bad dr., just a rude one.

You could also look into getting a doula--they're good to have around when you don't have time to yell at rude doctors/pushy nurses and the husband is busy helping you.

3/28/2005 1:37 PM  
Anonymous mrs. nice guy said...

yep, it's the same one. ugh. sounds like similar situations -- this one is close to where i work, but we're in bklyn as well. still, i think that at nearly 33 weeks, i don't have the energy to start searching anew for practitioners. this is a good (but unfortunate) lesson in trusting one's gut. i hadn't been wild about the practice from the get-go, but inertia and all that damn vomiting for 5 months prevented me from doing more active looking. until this. i think we are going to look into a doula, so at least we have one more person who can run interference if she's on call and if things get ugly. good luck to you -- you definitely made the smarter move.

3/28/2005 10:29 PM  
Anonymous mrs. nice guy said...

yep, it's the same one. ugh. sounds like similar situations -- this one is close to where i work, but we're in bklyn as well. still, i think that at nearly 33 weeks, i don't have the energy to start searching anew for practitioners. this is a good (but unfortunate) lesson in trusting one's gut. i hadn't been wild about the practice from the get-go, but inertia and all that damn vomiting for 5 months prevented me from doing more active looking. until this. i think we are going to look into a doula, so at least we have one more person who can run interference if she's on call and if things get ugly. good luck to you -- you definitely made the smarter move.

3/28/2005 10:36 PM  
Blogger Bananasplut said...

That's true: they don't show up until showtime. But they do make remote-telephone decisions/input on certain things (like epidurals) and critical birth-time decisions (like episiotomies). Still, for us the nurses were more important than the OB. And we got very lucky with nurses.

3/29/2005 9:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My husband and I are in the same boat with the OBGYN thing. We love out Dr., but it is a practice with 7 Dr.s so we have a 1 in 7 of getting the Dr. we really really love. Then there's the chance we get the one we don't like. The one that makes us wait over an hour and not because she has patients, but because we see her talking to other Dr.s and laughing and joking around, while she has the receptionist apologize to us for the wait. Unfortunately, we can't always get the Dr. we love so we are stuck with seeing this other one sometimes.

We showed her our birth plan and she pretty much did the same. Talked to us like we will have no idea what it is going to be like so we'll just have to take it as it comes. She talked to us like we were 12. Actually no, then she might have been nicer.

Anyway, I really hope she is not the one on call when our son comes into the world. Luckily I have my husband to do the same as you, which is to take the forceps and do you know what with them.

3/31/2005 2:58 PM  

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