paging Dr McSnatchpants
here's the fatal flaw: we just met doctor number four tonight, 31.9 weeks into pregnancy and ... not to put too fine a point on it ... WE FUCKING HATE HER. if this doctor is the one who delivers my child--if this Dr. Snatchy McSnatchpants is the first person my baby sees--i will have no option other than to hang myself with its umbilical cord. here's how it went down:
6:14 pm: we finally get to see her for our 5:45 appointment. she apologizes, explaining that she was just at the hospital delivering babies. and, presumably, eating them
6:21 pm: we tell her what we have told all the other doctors so far--we have a birthplan (ie, our flexible desire to have the ability to walk around during labor, to avoid an episiotomy, to have some time to bond with baby before it's whisked away to be weighed, registered and have the microchip inserted under its skin). but before we can tell her our birthplan's key points she goes "yeah, yeah. birthplan. let me guess: no c-section. blah blah blah." apparently she learned her bedside manners in alcatraz.
6:23 pm: she tells us that during labor of course we can listen to CDs, watch DVDs in the room if we want. we could watch porn if we were so inclined. (this actually made me like her a little bit) (i really wish i were joking)
6:25 pm: when we finally do tell her what is entailed in our birthplan Dr McSnatchpants proceeds to tell us that that's all well and good, but if anything is going wrong with the baby, all birthplan bets are off. that, of course, is fine. we say priority numero uno is the baby's health. Dr McSnatchpants implies a second time that we are placing our own comfort ahead of the baby's health. she then tells us a story: "today i was in the delivery room and the mother was tired--the baby was halfway out and she just didn't want to push any more. when the baby's heart rate slowed down a little i told her 'listen, either you push harder or i'm going in with forceps to get the baby!'" gee, doc, that's a great story. nice to know you talk to your patients like they were the babies.
oh, and also, Dr McSnatchpants? if you TALK TO MY WIFE LIKE THAT JUST ONCE DURING LABOR I WILL GRAB THE FORCEPS FROM YOU, TAKE YOU BY THE HEAD AND INSERT YOU INTO YOUR OWN CRAGGY UTERUS.6:27 pm: we again stress how important it is to us that we avoid an episiotomy. she again implies that we are putting mrs nice guy's comfort ahead of baby's health. then she says "episiotomies are increasingly rare in new york." we say, yes, we know this. she replies, so help me god, "so are you testing my knowledge or something? i teach at NYU! i think i know what i'm talking about!"
and so on. mrs nice guy spoke with the clinic today and said: look, we've been happy with the care we've received so far, but care is apparently a word that is not in Dr. McSnatchpants' vocabulary. we are strongly considering going to another practice because there is no way this shebeast is delivering our baby if she happens to be on call (of which there is a 25 percent chance. i do not like those odds).
you know what the funny thing is? we learned that this is the second complaint Dr. McSnatchpants has received.
you know what the really funny thing is? SHE HAS ONLY BEEN AT THE PRACTICE FOR FOUR MONTHS.