the cramping of the style

and you thought this was supposed to be a family blog

today's entry is brought to you by muscle cramps. "A Muscle cramp," the syntactically-challenged mamashealth.com tells us, "is an involuntary, painful contraction of the muscles which produce a hard, bulging muscle." you know, i tried that line on the ladies all through my bachelor years and NOT ONCE did it work.

more importantly, these days a muscle cramp is what wakes me up at night from my kathy ireland-infused slumbers. actually, let me rephrase that. a muscle cramp is what gets mrs nice guy up--caterwauling, actually--at 1 am, launching me into the track lighting where i cling for dear life as my darling bride clutches blindly at her legs, howling like a deranged coyote and clawing with her free hand at my testicles.

apparently very pregnant women, the very elderly and a very drunk mr nice guy all get involuntary painful nocturnal muscle cramps: which of those three do you sympathize with the least? that's what i thought. i have no pity for old people either.