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Thursday, February 26, 2009

like the white dwarf, i am composed of degenerate matter

this post is being posted because tonight i am going out for drinks with LOD, metrodad, mom101, croutonboy, mommypoppins, daddytypes, liz of coolmompicks and alphamom. therefore i need to at least halfway pretend that i am still a blogger. i need to justify my attendance. i need to man up. 

therefore, here is a post:
yesterday, at naptime, my three year old called me into her room. she said "daddy! my hands smell funny when i do this." and then she stuck both fists into her undies and begins vigorously masturbating. then she stuck them under the nose and inhaled deeply. "see?!"

i didn't quite know what to say. i want her to maintain a positive body-image and a develop a healthy relationship with sex. but, "i love the way your vagina smells" would have sounded, well, creepy. and i can't afford any more therapy than she'll already need. so i shrugged and said "uh, do you want to wash your hands?" she said yes. and then she did. and then she napped. the end. 
so then. i am, for now, officially still qualified to drink with these superstars. look for me at the bar: i'll be the shriveled white dwarf in a constellation of hypergiants. even better: drunk hypergiants. 

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

regarding child health care in america

this deep, penetrating news report (oof, that makes it sound like porn) on the precarious state of child healthcare in this country solidly reconfirms my own private stance on the matter. also, lollipops.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

because i have nothing else to say right now

you know that "25 random things about me" meme has been working it's way through the facebooks? i finally caved after being tagged about 12,000 times. here. now leave me alone:

1. i was a chubby child/teen. i still hate taking my shirt off in public. now my pants on the other hand ...

2. i have never owned a bicycle and consequently cannot really ride one without posing grave danger to myself and everyone within a 50 yard radius. 

3. i think i have had 8 knee surgeries. i've literally lost count. most recently, about 2 years ago, i had a dead guy's medial meniscus transplanted into my left knee. i was hoping i'd finally be able to dunk. no such luck. mysteriously, i now speak perfect mandarin.

4. fuck! the baby just woke up from her nap. she wasn't asleep nearly long enough. 

5. i studied in grenoble, france, for a year, where i met my first love. she was a french girl from the countryside. i was completely fluent by the end of the year. i have since lost about 85 percent of my french. fortunately, i am still fluent in the language of love. 

6. i had a pierced ear for one day when i was 13. when my mom saw my retarded little skull-shaped stud she said "your dad's going to fucking kill you." i took it out that instant. i suspect he knows anyway.

7. i didn't go to prom. i ate a bag of shrooms at the afterparty instead and thought i could read ally sheedy's mind. then i jumped in the pool and almost drowned. when i woke up the next morning i had total amnesia -- couldn't remember who i was. that took a couple of terrifying hours to wear off. just say no, kids.

8. i am totally secure in the fact that i am not the primary breadwinner. i highly recommend everyone get a sugarmama. 

9. i was in the thespian club in high school. 

10. i was on the fencing team in high school.

11. miraculously, no one has ever beaten me up. 

12. not that they haven't wanted to. 

13. was once told by an intern that i had been voted the "second-blackest white guy in the office." i have no idea what that means. but i take comfort in it.

14. i make really good mixtapes. 

15. not once did a mixtape ever get me laid.

16. i've been swimming in the playboy mansion grotto. twice!

17. i took a poppin' and lockin' class when i was 11. 

18. i used to ball boy for the occasional tennis tournament. andre agassi once yelled at me in front of a packed center court when i didn't hand him a fresh ball soon enough. man, i hate andre agassi.

19. i wrote a screenplay with a friend when i was on extended paternity leave -- a comedy about ball boys. i thought it was really funny. nobody else did. 

20. the first time i heard the music of the beatles was in the movie Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band starring the BeeGees and Peter Frampton, which i had on Betamax and watched incessantly. when i finally heard the Beatles' real Sgt. Pepper, i was galled that the songs were in the wrong order and didn't sound as good.

21. the first porno flick i ever saw was also on Betamax. it was called Broadcast Barbara. 

22. the last porn i ever saw was on the internet, five minutes ago, between writing items 16 and 17 on this list. 

23. actually, now the last porn i ever saw was after writing item 22.

24. i got caught shoplifting on a school field trip to six flags in seventh grade. that sucked.

25. i am a little concerned that the only job i am halfway qualified to do is rapidly disappearing from existence.