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Wednesday, September 14, 2005

deadly seizuring teeth of paralysis and death

let's pay a visit to a book that has been consistently pissing me off since my daughter was born, shall we? it's called Your Baby's First Year Week by Week, and it has been consistently pissing me off. it's actually a pretty good book. very clever premise. some decent info in there. and yet it pisses me off. consistently. i will not go into major organizational shortcomings here, but our child turns 18 weeks old tomorrow, meaning that for now she is in her 18th week, right? let's take a look at the chapter called "Week 18," specifically the "Milestones this 18th Week" section:

  • baby "brings feet to mouth; may suck toes." i am fairly confident she would suck mine if i shoved them in her face. but her toes have never come closer than 22 inches from her mouth.
  • baby "can squeal, grunt and make a 'raspberry' sound." i don't know if it qualifies as a raspberry sound, but she has discovered the consonant. she sits there going "gggiiiihhh. ggggiiiiiiiihhhhh." which is both cute and alarming. i am not entirely convinced that she isn't drowning in her own drool.
  • "your baby is probably rolling over from front to back fairly easily by now." nope.
ok, so she isn't quite up to speed for the average 18 week old. let's check out "Milestones this 17th Week" to see if she's accomplished that which she ought to have accomplished a week ago:

  • baby "may make swimming motions, resulting in moving around in her crib." check
  • "can distinguish between smells." and yet she doesn't seem to complain when i bring her into the bathroom for some early toilet training. i am using the teach-by-example method; i show her by doing--i even give her a little tiny newspaper for herself. you have any better ideas on how to monitor her and not have my colon explode after my ninth cup of coffee?
  • "is interested in making new sounds." it's true: she's moved on from screaming and is working on perfecting the droning, insistent, incessant whine.
  • "may interrupt feedings with play." yes. she has this fun game she invented called "choking on milk."

maybe she's ahead of the game on some things? week 19's "milestones":

  • "likes to play at mealtime." what? again? are you beginning to see why this book pisses me off?
anyway, the reason i consulted the book today is because i suspect she may have begun teething. so i open up to page 222, and lo, one of the current milestones: Teething may begin soon.

all the warning signs are there. this freakin' kid can certainly drool, no doubt about it. she also just loves to chomp away on my finger, as if it were made out of nipples and chocolate. i walk around with her in the bjorn, not getting hit on by women, my finger in her mouth as she gnaws at, and drools away all over, it. and she also drools all down the front of her bjorn -- within five minutes of every walk there is a spreading stain down her front side, like a seeping chest wound. so there she goes, grinning, drooling, finger-gnawing, arm-flapping: she is the world's tiniest bonkers insane lady. when she's on the changing table, i'll bend over to give her a little kiss on the cheek. her eyes will flash with intense glee. aw, you think, how cute. but! then she will lunge at my face. she tries to bite me! like a cornered feral cat, she lashes at me with her fleshy, drooly mouth, scratching at my eyes with her impossibly-fast-growing nails! she is insane, i tell you. she also tends to cry for no damn reason these days. but that's nothing new. so, fine. let's say she's teething. what now?

"During the last century, teething was considered to be the leading cause of infant mortality. Most serious symptoms of that age group (including seizures and infantile paralysis) were blamed on teething." --
holy crap! my poor child. i was just getting used to her, too.

now. why is it that paralyzed, seizuring and/or dead babies are patently unfunny AND YET the thought of babies being assassinated by their own teeth is just absolutely hilarious? can you explain that? who knew teething could be so dangerous? i am thinking of buying her a little tiny football helmet and mouth guard, just to help her through this difficult time. think that'll make her look less bonkers?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

The books WILL drive you insane. Trust me - they did to me as well. I have my own blogged rant about them too.

My son is almost 8 months old and has been teething off an on for 4 months. Still no teeth. No sign of teeth. But he can gnaw on a toy, bjorn, finger like there ain't no tomorrow. Insert drool and a bad mood - hoo boy!

PS. My son still can't actually get his toes to his mouth but he did finally start playing with his feet - at 7 months! And he still can't roll from tummy to back so he becomes the worlds angriest anti-turtle swimming away on his stomach waiting to get flipped back onto his back. Once we put him on his back - he turns onto his stomach - lather, rinse, repeat.

9/14/2005 4:24 PM  
Blogger c said...

You make me laugh SO MUCH.

9/14/2005 5:56 PM  
Blogger birthfree said...

That book is only good for starting fires - my kids never 'lived up' to it and it's information sucks most of the time, at best. My kid rolled at 14m, period.

Baby Dracula - she does that because she's breastfed and it's automatic to turn and open her mouth - weird sounding, I know.

Oh, and if she likes to knaw on your finger, have her try your chin (at least until real teeth show up), it is to-die-for cute, and entertaining for both of you.

My last major suggestion - Hylands Teething Tablets. LOVE them.

9/14/2005 6:27 PM  
Blogger Twisted Cinderella said...

And you don't even want to go into what will happen if you decide to consult other books, or the mayhem that ensues when other mothers give their very many, very different, very insistent viewpoints.

9/14/2005 10:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My now 18-month old son got ALL his teeth extremely early. He's got a full set now which is unheard of at least according to my dentist parents who seem to imagine my son as an interesting science project.

Teething is a bit confusing because of the occasional very high fevers. But they usually disappear quickly. Our son rarely nags or complains but during teething he was doing nothing but nagging. I'm glad he was on the express plan and got it out the way quickly.

More important question though, what tiny newspaper is your baby reading.....?

9/15/2005 6:59 AM  
Blogger Krissy said...

My father told me, when I said that Charlie was teething, "That's going to be true for the next twelve years"

Charlie started teething at four months, and popped his first tooth three weeks ago right before his first birthday. We had the drooling, the nawing, the chest-cold-like symptoms and the occasional low fever. And the crankiness. Oh! The crankiness.

But no teeth.

Don't tell too many people she's teething or you could wind up with eight months of grandparents saying,

"Seen a tooth yet?"
"Seen a tooth yet?"
"Seen a tooth yet?"
"Seen a tooth yet?"
"Seen a tooth yet?"

The only proper response is to bite them.

9/15/2005 10:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I stumbled across your space, and I have to tell you I love it. You're a funny, funny guy and I have to laugh at all the witty things you have to say. "Those" books only turn into "those" parents who are always comparing kids... you'll never win LOL Take care!

9/15/2005 1:26 PM  
Blogger Tanya said...

I love your frank sense of humor :) If you think this stage is fun, wait till they really start to move!

Those books usually are crap. They are all ment to be GUIDELINES not the end all be all. My daughter is advanced in some areas, behind in others, but it will ALL balance out! :)

9/15/2005 1:44 PM  
Blogger justdawn said...

Poor Baby Nice Guy...what would you blog about in the even of her untimely demise??

And I am totally ROFL at the mental picture of a grown man being mauled by a feral infant:)

9/23/2005 1:52 AM  

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