unfit to father

my child is barely two years old and already i have failed as a parent. i have let her down. i have let myself down. i am an abject disappointment of a deadbeat dad. i can't pinpoint exactly where i went wrong, but i can tell that, somewhere, somehow, something went terribly wrong.

this morning the whole family rode into manhattan together. we grabbed a quick breakfast and then descended into the subway. (because the F Line rules. and all you haters KNOW IT!) anyway, for a while she was a good little girl. she sat next to daddy and talked about how she was riding on the train. she explained to us how the train was going through a tunnel under the ground. she sang her favorite song: "farmer had a farm, E-I-E-I-O. moo moo moo moo moo moo moo. E-I-E-I-O!" and my favorite, "twinkle little stah; uppa bub deworlso high" (when you try to join in and sing, you know, the correct lyrics, she shouts NO DADDY! I SING IT!)

anyway. after a while she got a little antsy, so she climbed off the seat and grabbed the subway pole. she held it with two hands like a big girl. she craned her head around the pole and did a little peek-a-boo ("i see you, daddy!") she charmed everyone on the train by waving hello and smiling. absolutely freakin' adorable.

and then.

and then.

and then she shouted "I DANCING ON THE POLE!" while gyrating her little hips against it! i froze in horror. all my hair instantly fell out and my stomach started digesting itself. my daughter, the world's tiniest stripper! between hyperventilations, i told her not to dance while the subway was running. so she stopped. she grinned sweetly.

and then she licked the pole.

so, yeah. if i'm still alive, i'll let you know when my cardiac arrest is over.