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Saturday, July 14, 2007

unfit to father

my child is barely two years old and already i have failed as a parent. i have let her down. i have let myself down. i am an abject disappointment of a deadbeat dad. i can't pinpoint exactly where i went wrong, but i can tell that, somewhere, somehow, something went terribly wrong.

this morning the whole family rode into manhattan together. we grabbed a quick breakfast and then descended into the subway. (because the F Line rules. and all you haters KNOW IT!) anyway, for a while she was a good little girl. she sat next to daddy and talked about how she was riding on the train. she explained to us how the train was going through a tunnel under the ground. she sang her favorite song: "farmer had a farm, E-I-E-I-O. moo moo moo moo moo moo moo. E-I-E-I-O!" and my favorite, "twinkle little stah; uppa bub deworlso high" (when you try to join in and sing, you know, the correct lyrics, she shouts NO DADDY! I SING IT!)

anyway. after a while she got a little antsy, so she climbed off the seat and grabbed the subway pole. she held it with two hands like a big girl. she craned her head around the pole and did a little peek-a-boo ("i see you, daddy!") she charmed everyone on the train by waving hello and smiling. absolutely freakin' adorable.

and then.

and then.

and then she shouted "I DANCING ON THE POLE!" while gyrating her little hips against it! i froze in horror. all my hair instantly fell out and my stomach started digesting itself. my daughter, the world's tiniest stripper! between hyperventilations, i told her not to dance while the subway was running. so she stopped. she grinned sweetly.

and then she licked the pole.

so, yeah. if i'm still alive, i'll let you know when my cardiac arrest is over.


Blogger cape buffalo said...


Too bad you guys missed the casting call for the Brett Michales show. I bet she could have been called up with moves like that.

7/14/2007 4:13 PM  
Anonymous sallyacious said...

You were wrong two posts ago. Pole-Dancing-Toddler-on-the-Subway is the funniest thing Ever. But maybe that's just because it's not my toddler...

7/14/2007 5:06 PM  
Anonymous samantha jo campen said...

As soon as I read that I thought of Chris Rock.

Dude, that's just wrong in so many ways. I don't think I have finished processing what happened.

7/14/2007 5:51 PM  
Anonymous lisa said...

ok, ummmm...where did she learn it?

7/14/2007 10:03 PM  
Anonymous Amy said...

My almost 2 year old daughter loves to be naked. And she loves to dance. And she loves to dance naked.

We've not had a pole yet (we live in Indiana, she'd have to corn dance) but if she one day becomes an exotic dancer, then at least I will know it was always meant to be.

7/15/2007 7:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude that's nothing. When my daughter was 2 we were riding the #6 train. I looked over and saw that she was chewing gum. I asked her where she got the gum (as I looked over at her older brother hopefully) "oh, I found it under the seat" I just about near died. I think I washed her mouth out with anibacterial wet ones for 2 hours after that.

7/15/2007 8:42 PM  
Blogger Fairly Odd Mother said...

Oh. My. God. As soon as I saw the word "pole" in your post, I knew where this was going but totally didn't expect the licking thing.

My four year old recently lifted up her dress to her belly button, bent over and smacked her butt, while saying, "Shake your Booty! Yeah, yeah, Shake your Booty!" Lovely. THAT got me some nice looks at the playground.

7/15/2007 8:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And she licked it!!! Just to top it ALL of huh?!

Oh! are in for it..

(I'm a fellow NYer and I don't do public transportation much!) Maybe I should!!!!

Plain Jane Mom sent me over. Nice to meet you!

7/16/2007 8:48 AM  
Blogger Jen said...

Ack! I can't decide what's worse. The pole licking. But the pole dancing is funnier.

7/16/2007 9:28 AM  
Blogger Gunfighter said...

That's just bad.

7/16/2007 9:33 AM  
Anonymous Jennifer said...


My 4 year old, while climbing and hanging off one of the posts on our 4 poster bed, declared that she was dancing on the pole. I told her if she wanted to see her daddies head spin completely around on his shoulders, she should go tell him.

He was outside, at the BACK of the she had to yell/scream it several times to get herself heard.

7/16/2007 11:28 AM  
Anonymous JayMonster said...

Yeah, we all have these moments at one time or another.

My MIL gave my daughter an American Idol Barbie a few years back with a "karaoke machine" that sings a clip of Britney's Opps, I did it again.

Of course, she waits until Christmas in front of the family to show how she learned the song, bouncing around the house signing, "I played with your heart... I'm not so innocent"

7/16/2007 12:29 PM  
Blogger Annie said...

Found you via Plane Jane Mom - that is too funny! Although I think I'll be wary of letting my own spirited 2 year old loose on public transport now!

7/16/2007 1:02 PM  
Blogger Cattiva said...

Oh puleeze. She's got way more tricks up her sleeve than this. You aint seen nothin' yet!

Although she has given you perfect fodder for the toast at her wedding.

7/16/2007 1:03 PM  
Blogger Michael said...

We actually saw a couple of young girls pole dancing on the F train years ago when we lived in Carroll Gardens. We didn't even have a kid yet and I was a little freaked out.
My old lady explained why it was normal for them to do it but I think I blocked that conversation out.
We're leaving b'klyn for westchester in 10 days, no poles and good schools

7/18/2007 12:30 PM  
Blogger Susie said...

LOL! Okay to everything but the licking the pole, that is just ewwww! Just wait, mine is almost 12 and it gets worse. (Maybe I shouldn't have told you that...) Gotta love the monsters, I mean children.

7/20/2007 5:53 PM  
Blogger sanityrules said...

I fell off my chair after reading this - not from shock, but from laughing so hard.

You never know what a young child is going to say or do. That makes it all the more fun@@

7/21/2007 10:28 PM  
Anonymous todd said...

Well they are starting to use Dancer Poles for fitness. My mom pole dances in this Dancer PoleBlog

8/20/2008 1:38 AM  

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