this is my brain on sleep deprivation and daughter disses

after rereading that last post i have decided that if i ever become an honorary member of some native american tribe, the best possible name for me would be Fishes for Compliments. thank all y'all for the lovely comments, although i suspect you guys are just trying to get more than your fair share of the hookers and the blow.

anyway, here's another question i should have added to my list of questions i routinely ask my child but don't actually want the honest answer to:

• GODDAMN IT ARE YOU EVER GOING TO FUCKING SLEEP THROUGH THE FUCKING NIGHT EVER THE FUCK AGAIN?

as i mentioned the other day, the kid turned two. she has always been a fairly good sleeper, if not the strongest of nappers. but right around the time i got my knee surgery, she started waking up again at 4. in the morning. because she hates us. lucky for me, i couldn't really walk. and even if i could she would completely flip out if i ever tried to pick her up, which leads me to another question i left off the list.

• WHY THE HELL DO YOU MELT DOWN LIKE THREE MILE ISLAND EVERY TIME I LOOK AT YOU THESE DAYS? (or, alternatively, "what's so great about mommy anyway?")

she is going through a rabid no-sleeping, no-daddy phase, which sucks. mrs nice guy and i, in return, haven't gotten a full-night's sleep in months either. we're all as tired as we were when we had an eight week old infant that hadn't yet worn out her welcome. the other night, 3:30 am, the wife and i woke up to the sound of this: "MAC AND CHEESE! MAC AND CHEEEEEEEEEESE!" did i mention this was at 3:30? normally, when i crave mac 'n' cheese at 3:30 in the morning it is because the preceding 12 hours had been spent consuming alcohol. and i certainly don't scream MAC AND CHEESE loud enough to startle my parents awake an entire continent away. i don't know what my kid's excuse is.

anyway, i took the rare initiative to gimp into the room to see if i could calm her down. what started as MAC AND CHEEEEESE quickly morphed into NO DADDY! NO DADDY! which was accompanied by a spectacular breakdancing move to dodge my grasping hands. so you see the logical conclusion here: she greatly prefers the company of a carb-heavy starchy dairy dish to me, her own father. the next time she wants me to play with her i'm going to tell her "sorry sweetie, i prefer spending time with johnny walker. maybe the mac and cheese will pick you up." because two can play at being childish.

the new awesome development is that my wife, who can speak dutch, has this neat trick of singing a dutch lullaby that usually knocks the kid out. it's a magical little dutch lullaby. so magical that when i am alone with the kid now, like at nap time, the daughter specifically requests the song, "Slaap, Kindje, Slaap." the problem: i do not speak dutch. nor can i sing. so when she lies in the crib she looks at me with her ginormous eyes and asks, hopefully, "Slaap Kindje? Slaap Kindje?," i must regretfully tell her that i still haven't learned dutch and don't know the words. she goes ballistic again. "SLAAP KINDJE!," she spits venomously at her less-popular-than-mac-n-cheese-father and it's all i can do to not yell back at her "I'm gonna Slaap you, Kindje, if you don't zip it!" this obviously is not an option, so i figured it's time to teach myself a phonetic translation of the song so that i too can sing her to sleep. with a little google magic, i have looked up the lyrics to the OG dutch ditty:

Slaap kindje slaap
daar buiten loopt een schaap
een schaap met witte voetjes,
dat drinkt zijn melk zo zoetjes
slaap kindje slaap
slaap kindje slaap

here's the official mr nice guy phonetic english rendering, which i call SLAP, NINJA! i think there is some eternal truth to be decoded within these lines. a prize goes to the person who figures it out:

slap, ninja! slap
dark boots are lubed in shop!
in shop, meat with veggies
that drink gin and milk so edgy!
slap, ninja! slap!

i bet she has the sweetest of dreams after i sing her to sleep.