questions i ask my toddler even though i don't actually want the answer to them

ok we got a doozy of a weekend on our hands here. the in-laws have returned. the mr nice mom--mater nice guy herself-- cometh this evening. tomorrow we host our pagan ritual heralding the dawning of the third year. that's right, the spawn turns two tomorrow. two years of parenthood. if this were a sitcom, i'd play a daughter highlight reel set to billy joel's "my life."

the party is on tomorrow, though. hoods will be donned, goats slaughtered, goblets filled, the BBQ all queued up. the toddlers will toddle en mass. they will swarm into our living room, squabble over toys, use my LPs as frisbees, shout "mine!" and "no!" barely loud enough to penetrate the fog of alcohol that has engulfed the brains of Team Parents. it will be terrifying and awesome. why, you ask, are we doing this in our new home, with its newly renovated kitchen and general undestroyed newness? this is a question i do not have, nor do i probably want, the answer to.

speaking of which, in honor of my child's turning two (TWO? who can believe it?), i have compiled a list of questions that i regularly ask her even though i don't actually want the honest answer. here they are:

• are you ready to take your nap?
• haven't you had enough mac and cheese?
• how many times in a row can you watch "elmo's potty time?"
• can you say "i love you, daddy?"
• what, you think i'm scared of you?
• haven't we heard enough raffi for one day?
• do you think you can take your hand out of your diaper?
• are you happy now that you spilled daddy's coffee all over his keyboard?
• will you give me a hug?
• are you the cutest baby on earth?
• you don't really want a bottle now, do you?
• well, was that very smart?
• we don't have any pear yogurt. isn't peach yogurt good enough?
• where did you put mommy's panties?
• don't you want to live here with us forever and never grow up?
• did you just speed-dial my boss from my cell phone at 5:30 am?
• are you done crying?
• satisfied?
• how badly can you hurt yourself doing that?

anyway, happy birthday darling daughter dear. i can't believe it's only (and already) been two years. what did we do before you got here? what purpose did our lives serve? what's it like to read the entire sunday paper? ah, more questions i do not have answers for.

let me also take this occasion (this is an update to the post, three hours later, but seeing as how my mom is still on a plane and the rest of my readership has inexplicably *COUGH COUGH* plummeted *COUGH* as of late, i don't think too many people will have missed this addendum) to thank you, readers, for mysteriously continuing to read. this is a strange hobby, blogging, and i still don't think i have the total awesome hang of it. but it's something i started because of my daughter, who, did i mention?, is turning two tomorrow.

my take on this blog: basically if, just once a week, i make someone somewhere in the world either laugh or curse my pseudonym while shaking his fist in the air, it's a worthwhile endeavor. i don't really have the time for this, but it is fun and it has resulted in a few interesting moments in my life (ie, amy sohn was invited to a party i went to last weekend but i learned later that she decided not to go at the last minute. i have since spent many hours ecstatically imagining the blogger fisticuffs; the cyber-casted cage match at a youtube near you). anyway, gentle lambs, there will probably be a surprise or two here in the next couple months, so please keep reading. and tell a friend -- I MEAN, WOULD IT FUCKING KILL YOU TO TELL A FRIEND? (sorry, whiskey and desperation, i find, mix a little too well.) anyway, i hope reading hasn't been a total waste of your time--but then if you're as much of a loser as i am, i'm probably doing you a favor.

also, if you stick around, just for you, let me promise one more thing: hookers and blow. i'm just sayin'. mr nice guy will treat you right. silicone and silly 'caine. mmmmmmmmmm.