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Friday, May 11, 2007

questions i ask my toddler even though i don't actually want the answer to them

ok we got a doozy of a weekend on our hands here. the in-laws have returned. the mr nice mom--mater nice guy herself-- cometh this evening. tomorrow we host our pagan ritual heralding the dawning of the third year. that's right, the spawn turns two tomorrow. two years of parenthood. if this were a sitcom, i'd play a daughter highlight reel set to billy joel's "my life."

the party is on tomorrow, though. hoods will be donned, goats slaughtered, goblets filled, the BBQ all queued up. the toddlers will toddle en mass. they will swarm into our living room, squabble over toys, use my LPs as frisbees, shout "mine!" and "no!" barely loud enough to penetrate the fog of alcohol that has engulfed the brains of Team Parents. it will be terrifying and awesome. why, you ask, are we doing this in our new home, with its newly renovated kitchen and general undestroyed newness? this is a question i do not have, nor do i probably want, the answer to.

speaking of which, in honor of my child's turning two (TWO? who can believe it?), i have compiled a list of questions that i regularly ask her even though i don't actually want the honest answer. here they are:

  • are you ready to take your nap?
  • haven't you had enough mac and cheese?
  • how many times in a row can you watch "elmo's potty time?"
  • can you say "i love you, daddy?"
  • what, you think i'm scared of you?
  • haven't we heard enough raffi for one day?
  • do you think you can take your hand out of your diaper?
  • are you happy now that you spilled daddy's coffee all over his keyboard?
  • will you give me a hug?
  • are you the cutest baby on earth?
  • you don't really want a bottle now, do you?
  • well, was that very smart?
  • we don't have any pear yogurt. isn't peach yogurt good enough?
  • where did you put mommy's panties?
  • don't you want to live here with us forever and never grow up?
  • did you just speed-dial my boss from my cell phone at 5:30 am?
  • are you done crying?
  • satisfied?
  • how badly can you hurt yourself doing that?

anyway, happy birthday darling daughter dear. i can't believe it's only (and already) been two years. what did we do before you got here? what purpose did our lives serve? what's it like to read the entire sunday paper? ah, more questions i do not have answers for.

let me also take this occasion (this is an update to the post, three hours later, but seeing as how my mom is still on a plane and the rest of my readership has inexplicably *COUGH COUGH* plummeted *COUGH* as of late, i don't think too many people will have missed this addendum) to thank you, readers, for mysteriously continuing to read. this is a strange hobby, blogging, and i still don't think i have the total awesome hang of it. but it's something i started because of my daughter, who, did i mention?, is turning two tomorrow.

my take on this blog: basically if, just once a week, i make someone somewhere in the world either laugh or curse my pseudonym while shaking his fist in the air, it's a worthwhile endeavor. i don't really have the time for this, but it is fun and it has resulted in a few interesting moments in my life (ie, amy sohn was invited to a party i went to last weekend but i learned later that she decided not to go at the last minute. i have since spent many hours ecstatically imagining the blogger fisticuffs; the cyber-casted cage match at a youtube near you). anyway, gentle lambs, there will probably be a surprise or two here in the next couple months, so please keep reading. and tell a friend -- I MEAN, WOULD IT FUCKING KILL YOU TO TELL A FRIEND? (sorry, whiskey and desperation, i find, mix a little too well.) anyway, i hope reading hasn't been a total waste of your time--but then if you're as much of a loser as i am, i'm probably doing you a favor.

also, if you stick around, just for you, let me promise one more thing: hookers and blow. i'm just sayin'. mr nice guy will treat you right. silicone and silly 'caine. mmmmmmmmmm.


Anonymous candace said...

Wow. Two. Happy Birthday, Baby Nice Guy!

5/11/2007 8:28 PM  
Anonymous femme d'espoir said...

Happy Birthday, little one!

And, as for readership... I'm in for the long haul. Keep writing.

5/12/2007 12:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you are quite possibly the funniest and most talented writer EVER.

You make me laugh out loud and I think I may have peed myself once....or twice..

5/12/2007 1:21 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

You make me laugh with every entry, so keep em' coming. In fact, after giving birth again two weeks ago, I re-read Mrs. Nice Guy's birth story to my husband. The visual of the Kill Bill bloodfest was just two awesome to forget.

5/12/2007 7:48 AM  
Blogger Claudia said...

Happy birthday to BNG! My daughter is about a week and a half older than yours. We have Elmo's Potty Time also and I memorized it after the first week. Also, she spouts lines from it randomly, usually from the scene where the kids talk about all the names for "it." So out of the backseat I hear my precious buttercup yelling, "I CALL IT DOOKIE! I CALL IT DOO DOO!" Good times.

5/12/2007 7:50 AM  
Blogger Robbin said...

My son turns two next month - and I love your blog and read regularly (only through Google Reader, which means I may not always show up on the hit counter).

I am a native NY-er myself, living in Arkansas, and your blog has a certain nostalgia for me...

5/12/2007 8:44 AM  
Anonymous lil said...

Mr. Nice Guy, On account of your porn addiction and all, I'm assuming you're on the internet an awful lot. On account of the knee pain, I'm assuming much of that time is pretty incoherent. Needless to say, you should join Twitter. It's like miniblogging, and I think your twitter would be screamin'.

5/12/2007 3:41 PM  
Blogger Kelly said...

Never a dull moment. Thanks for the laughs.

5/12/2007 7:19 PM  
Anonymous elana said...

happy birthday, baby nice guy.

you certainly make me laugh...i read backwards through your blog when i was up all night with newborn twins. your blog helped to get me through the nights.

5/12/2007 7:59 PM  
Anonymous samantha jo campen said...

I'm SO addicted to your blog, so please, never think I will abandon you.

Happy Birfday to Baby Nice Guy!!! I wish you weren't so stinkin' secretive so we can see just how adorable she is :-)

And is there a contest for guessing what the surprise might be in a few months?

5/12/2007 8:04 PM  
Anonymous Liz said...

Hippo Birdy Two Ewe Baby Nice Guy!


5/12/2007 9:39 PM  
Blogger Shannon said...

Happy birthday to baby nice guy (nice girl?)

5/13/2007 6:47 AM  
Blogger Joan said...

I never miss an entry. Sometimes it pays to stir up the pot, just to see who the hell reads your blog. You blog some funny shit.

5/13/2007 6:14 PM  
Anonymous MetroDad said...

Did someone say "hookers and blow?"

Happy birthday to the midget. Keep up the awesome writing. Can't wait to learn about the surprise. Will Mr. Nice Guy reveal his true identity? Will pictures be posted of his adorable progeny? I remain loyally in suspense.

5/13/2007 10:05 PM  
Anonymous Sheri said...

I still read, my stupid but loving husband decided that we would try another internet server and my "favorites" no longer exist. I'm finally getting back to finding them again.

Happy 2nd birthday baby nice guy. Just call him daddy and he'll get you anything you want.

5/13/2007 10:17 PM  
Blogger momily-san said...

I'm with metrodad: here for the hookers and blow. Hat's off to baby nice guy on her second birthday. I think my daughter's pretty sure they're all downhill from there. Ah, to be a world weary six year old again.

5/13/2007 11:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Seems to me like that last part is just you begging for people to kiss your ass. So here I am: mmmwwwahhh!

I do love your writing. In fact I think you should write a book-- hey maybe that's the surprise??

5/14/2007 9:28 AM  
Anonymous Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

You okay? I could do without the hookers and blow, but at least you make me laugh.

5/14/2007 1:12 PM  
Anonymous dreama said...

Happy Birthday to the little one!

My husband and I are loyal Mr. Nice Guy fans. We call each other during the day to alert the other to a new posting. Yes, we're complete losers.

Your plane trip across the country with BNG has been retold in Spanish amongst family many times. AFUERA, AFUERA! The Spanish dubbed version of your blog is equally entertaining. :-)

5/14/2007 2:39 PM  
Blogger stay-at-home mommy said...

Happy Birthday BNG! I read your blog, just don't often comment (I have the same problem on mine - I know people read it but, honestly, why won't anyone comment already??!)

5/14/2007 3:01 PM  
Blogger sisco said...

Question I ask Mr Nice Guy even though I don't want an honest answer:
are the hookers and blow really just for me?

I have a 2 yr old girl, too. I've been earnestly reading a parenting book to learn how to avoid the questions to which I don't want honest answers. The older my kid gets, the more I find I'm not a very effective parent. According to this book, I shouldn't swear at strangers when, say, they cut me off in traffic or jostle my seat at the movies. Something about generating cooperation. Can you believe this?

5/14/2007 3:55 PM  
Anonymous sallyacious said...

I know I'm late to the party. I hope it was happy.

And if you lived closer than, say, 3 time zones away, I'd have invited you to come speak to my classes about stay-at-home daddom. Because in this backwater where I live, not quite all the way to the Pacific coast, there are three. And none of them were available. You would have rocked the house, if you're anything like the guy your writing makes you sound like.

5/14/2007 9:51 PM  
Anonymous Anna said...


I have shared you with more people than...trying to make that connect to hookers and blow, and the segway just isn't coming.

But anyway. I'm here, and not going anywhere. Hope you don't either.

The suprise...since I have a boy (2) and one 11 months also, I guess BNG#@. Or, BNG is a potty training prodigy. OR the BNG family is moving to the burbs. OR the name of your band will finally be revealed...

I'll stay tuned and can't wait to find out.


5/14/2007 10:49 PM  
Anonymous Anna said...

That would be BNG #2.
As in a second child, not an @ sign.


5/14/2007 10:50 PM  
Blogger Hostile in Ohio said...

LOL of course people read! You're funny!

Surprises? Hookers and Blow? Hrm...two surprises and he's offering hookers and blow...perhaps THAT is the surprise? ;-)

5/15/2007 3:37 PM  
Blogger cape buffalo said...

You even need to ask if I'm stil reading? I'm hurt.

5/16/2007 2:21 AM  
Anonymous Jane Plane said...

Long time reader, never say much. You funny.

To today's post, unfortunately, our 2 year old who has a few months on BNG is still so mommy-centered Mr. Plane cannot sit near him on the couch without bodily harm.

So, no telling how long the mommy preference will last. But happy belated birthday, BNG!

5/16/2007 9:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't miss a post! Happy bday BNG.

5/16/2007 3:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My very first comment! I love reading your daughter turns 2 on Wednesday so I can always relate to your stories. Keep 'em coming!

5/20/2007 11:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Regarding your readership plummeting - I just realized you had disappeared from my feeds on Bloglines. Maybe that happened to a lot of readers. I am not sure when it happened but I have rescribed and will continue looking forward to your posts from Park Slope.

6/01/2007 11:38 AM  

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