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Friday, January 05, 2007

how i started my all-ramen diet

so the new year has been off to quite a start, i must say. here's the first week quick nutshell:
  • on wednesday we sold our apartment
  • on thursday we bought our house
  • on friday i had 2,569 heart attacks
here's what i have learned from the process: selling property is awesome. you make a squijillion dollar profit -- free money! -- and the purchaser has to sit there like a groveling jester in the court of the Slumlord King, signing contract after contract after contract. you sit there for 3 hours (because you were too stupid to remember to give your lawyer power of attorney) and watch them develop debilitating carpal tunnel syndrome. then you laugh maniacally and count your money, only you can't count as high as a squijillion. you might even take a check and rub it into your bare chest, which you find to be less satisfying than it should be. or at least than it would be if it were a pile of crisp benjamins.

then. then the next day the tables turn! buying a house is less awesome. you sign your name eleventy thousand times in a row and then big mean lawyers take the squijillion dollars you made yesterday and you wonder why you didn't run away to mexico in the dead of the night.

but then you are handed keys! and suddenly you have a house! a house that isn't an apartment! this is a very special feeling. the house is beautiful and it's YOURS and it's a house and it's 100 years old and beautiful. and then you realize that since it's 100 years old and needs a new kitchen and could use 90 coats of paint and is probably sinking and has rotting guts or something, there's another squijillion dollars worth of work that needs doing before you can spend one minute inside. also, the bank owns your ass. this is when the heart attacks start.

and that's the third thing i learned, heart attacks hurt. a lot. and they don't stop just because you want them to.

but what i really wanted to talk to you about today was poop. yet ... i just can't do it right now. sorry, i am too busy having my 2,570th heart attack to give the poop stories the full love and attention they deserve ... perhaps another day. because, seriously, this is one hell of a first week. 2007 scares me.


Anonymous Sisco said...

My daughter vomited through the 5 days of christmas. Then she stuffed herself for 5 days to make up for all the starving she'd been doing. Then she pooped around the clock for 3 days because of all the eating. This, during the interregnum, in which she won't sit on her new little toilet ("no way no way") but runs pell mell screaming bloody murder whenever she needs a diaper change. Is it that kind of poop story? Happy new year and cheers to your new house!

1/05/2007 6:41 PM  
Anonymous Sarah said...


1/05/2007 7:42 PM  
Blogger Shalini said...

Congrats with the new home purchase! We are putting our house on the market soon, but we are about 2000 miles from Brooklyn! Good luck with moving!

1/05/2007 8:09 PM  
Blogger stay-at-home mommy said...

Congratulations! We just went through the selling phase (and making a squijillion dollars) but we built our current house so were spared about 1000 of the heart attacks.

1/06/2007 12:37 AM  
Blogger Candace said...

Oh, home ownership. Just when you think it's all done (the painting, the remodeling, the furnishing, the fixing up) it all starts all over again. But it's so, so worth it.

1/06/2007 10:08 AM  
Blogger Papa Bradstein said...

That's so cool--the house, not the heart attacks. Congratulations, and take some asprin with the ramen--it's cheaper than heart surgery.

1/07/2007 9:28 PM  
Anonymous Samantha Jo Campen said...

Hey congratulations!

Sorry about the heart attacks. Ramen has high sodium so you might want to choose a cheaper heart-friendly food.

1/07/2007 11:00 PM  
Anonymous laurie said...

good advice samantha jo campen. and congratulations on everything but the heart attacks mr. nice guy. just think, henceforth, you know your signature looks exactly the way you want it to, after eleventy thousand practice runs.

let us know when the housewarming is!

1/08/2007 12:09 AM  
Blogger Maxine Dangerous said...

Squijillion. Love that word. Congrats on your home purchase! B-r-e-a-t-h-e...

1/10/2007 4:51 PM  

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