baby got back. and, alas, front.

went to the pediatrician for our sixth month check-up today. some interesting facts: this is the same pediatrician who told us not to treat the baby's hemangioma, to just watch and wait. she seems to have forgotten this and today said that it was good we were treating the hemangioma since it was on the baby's nose. i just about bit my tongue right in half -- if we had followed her advice initially we never would have gotten the laser treatments and lord knows how big her purple schnozola would be today. perhaps unwisely, i did not remind her of her previous counsel.

[as a side note -- been doing a little research on our child's type of strawberry, a nasal tip hemangioma, and it seems that baby nice guy is not out of the woods yet. the lasers have treated the tumor near the surface of her skin, but there is a deeper component that the laser cannot heal. this deeper growth may indeed go away on its own someday, but not before it warps the cartilage, distorting the shape of her nose. ready for an anatomy lesson? basically, at the tip of your nose you have two wings of cartilage that come to a point. our baby's hemangioma is insinuating itself between those wings and pushing them apart, giving her that WC Fields look that was all the rage 70 years ago. it looks like she may need surgery some time around her first birthday -- someone needs to go in there and cut the fucker out. we have an appointment with a surgeon next week. ugh. the thought of someone slicing her nose open to save it makes me bluer than Sylvia Plath on quaaludes. i wish i could offer my own face as a cutting board in exchange -- apparently the fact that they need to chop up daddy's knee (more on that later) has not appeased the gods of unfortunate surgical procedures.]

also, two other babies in the office at the same time as us today had hemangiomas on their faces. TWO! after i told our pediatrician that we're going to meet with a surgeon next week, she asked who we were going to see. i told her his name. she had never heard of him before. then, i swear to god, she IMMEDIATELY REFERRED THE TWO OTHER PATIENTS TO HIM. did you catch that? she referred two patients to a surgeon she had never heard of before! i could have told her that i was taking my baby to see Dr. Jack Kevorkian for all she knew! i mean, are you kidding? this is who is monitoring my child's health?

anyway, the rest of the visit went well. got some more shots (this time i believe she had her skunk essence, quicksilver and hemlock injections) and got all measured up. a few interesting stats:

height: 28th percentile (down from 69th at four months and 75th at two months)
weight: 73rd percentile (holding basically steady, down four points from two months)
head circumference: 16th percentile (up from 4th percentile last time, thank god)

so do the math: she's chubby, not as tall as she used to be and her head is getting bigger. our baby is turning into a basketball.

oh yeah. not measured: size of her ass. this baby has more back than betty crocker's got brownies. she's got a bigger ass on her than any baby known to man. her butt crack starts at the back of her knees and climbs right up between her shoulder blades. this kid has waaaay too much junk in her trunk. she's a badonk-a-donk billionaire. at the end of our appointment -- after airing all of our concerns, hopes and fears -- mrs nice guy sheepishly mentioned this fact to our pediatrician ...

mrs nice guy: i, um. er. i don't really know how to put this, but i do have one last question. her butt's really big. is it normal?
pediatrician: she's fine
mrs nice guy (yanking off the baby's pants): yeah but i mean it's ... just so ... big.
pediatrician: you don't have to show me again. i saw it.
mrs. nice guy: and?
pediatrician: she's fine.
mrs. nice guy: you sure?
pediatrician: positive.
mrs. nice guy: ok. great.
pediatrician: yup. she's fine ... and you're right: it's huge.