going off the rails and i am sorry but maybe things will get more interesting as a result of my brainrot
in all honesty, i am a little embarrassed. please, let me apologize for my ugly neediness. i am sure i broke about 10,032 rules of blogging etiquette for breaking down and begging for comments. i myself am too busy to update my own site all that often, much less leave comments on other people's blogs. WHO THE HELL DO I THINK I AM TO GO AROUND BEGGING FOR COMMENTS? i should be ashamed. and now that i think of it, all of you who left comments should be doubly ashamed. i mean, really. you disgust me almost as much as i disgust myself. so we're even, right?
i blame my lapse on lack of sleep. i blame my lack of sleep on my 5 week old daughter (and my 3 year old daughter who spent one long night last weekend barfing on everything that wasn't nailed down). but mostly i blame my lack of sleep on the baby. and i blame the baby on my unchecked animal sexuality. i blame my unchecked animal sexuality on roofies. (sorry, hon!)
we fell into the newbie parent trap. here is how things have gone so far: baby slept solid for 2 weeks. over the course of those first 14 days she was awake, like, 3 minutes total. i was all "this is awesome. babies are easy. i hope she sleeps until she's 18!" then gradually she started waking up more and more. i was all "hey you're cute when you're awake. cool. you don't smile but at least you're not fussy. you're like My Little Embryo."
now here's the pattern: mrs nice guy goes to bed first, early. i stay up as late as i can, usually until the baby needs a bottle sometime between midnight and 1 (i love bottle feedings. she gets all wide-eyed and sweet. she makes eye contact and gurgles.) then i either sleep with her on the futon or let her sleep in the carseat while i do private daddy things. (WHAT? i'm talking about updating this blog, pervs.) when she wakes up again -- anywhere between 3 and 5 -- i hand her off to mom and i crash back on the futon. the missus and i are not sharing a bed because we are both very light sleepers and ... the baby ... well she's starting to sleep less and less.
and apparently she's a rare breed of bat. she's nocturnal. it's not like she does anything. she just lies there and makes noises: djhg asgfg dkggh. like that. it's kind of cute until you realize it loosely translates into PICK ME UP AND WALK, BITCH, OR I WILL SCREAM LOUD ENOUGH TO WAKE MY BIG SISTER AND THEN YOUR LIFE WILL REALLY SUCK.
so lately i stay up until 3 am pacing the halls, hitting "refresh" on my browser and shaking my fist at the cruel gods. i also have been reading about all of the excellent BlogHer shenanigans and cursing my penis. oh how much better this blog would be if only i had a nice rack. or something.
sleep deprivation is eating my brain again. this much is clear. i need to stop typing now before i say something really stupid. or, like, threaten my readers that i'll grill babies if they don't add me to their blogroll or, better yet, they should close their eyes and think of me when next they make sweet love to their special partners.