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Wednesday, July 23, 2008

going off the rails and i am sorry but maybe things will get more interesting as a result of my brainrot

HA! AHAHAHAH! you have all done my bidding, my beautiful minions. you answered the call. you are well trained. now we can move on to the next phase of my plan, a little something i have nicknamed: Operation Give Mr. Nice Guy Whiskey. because it involves you giving me whiskey.

in all honesty, i am a little embarrassed. please, let me apologize for my ugly neediness. i am sure i broke about 10,032 rules of blogging etiquette for breaking down and begging for comments. i myself am too busy to update my own site all that often, much less leave comments on other people's blogs. WHO THE HELL DO I THINK I AM TO GO AROUND BEGGING FOR COMMENTS? i should be ashamed. and now that i think of it, all of you who left comments should be doubly ashamed. i mean, really. you disgust me almost as much as i disgust myself. so we're even, right?

i blame my lapse on lack of sleep. i blame my lack of sleep on my 5 week old daughter (and my 3 year old daughter who spent one long night last weekend barfing on everything that wasn't nailed down). but mostly i blame my lack of sleep on the baby. and i blame the baby on my unchecked animal sexuality. i blame my unchecked animal sexuality on roofies. (sorry, hon!)

we fell into the newbie parent trap. here is how things have gone so far: baby slept solid for 2 weeks. over the course of those first 14 days she was awake, like, 3 minutes total. i was all "this is awesome. babies are easy. i hope she sleeps until she's 18!" then gradually she started waking up more and more. i was all "hey you're cute when you're awake. cool. you don't smile but at least you're not fussy. you're like My Little Embryo."

now here's the pattern: mrs nice guy goes to bed first, early. i stay up as late as i can, usually until the baby needs a bottle sometime between midnight and 1 (i love bottle feedings. she gets all wide-eyed and sweet. she makes eye contact and gurgles.) then i either sleep with her on the futon or let her sleep in the carseat while i do private daddy things. (WHAT? i'm talking about updating this blog, pervs.) when she wakes up again -- anywhere between 3 and 5 -- i hand her off to mom and i crash back on the futon. the missus and i are not sharing a bed because we are both very light sleepers and ... the baby ... well she's starting to sleep less and less.

and apparently she's a rare breed of bat. she's nocturnal. it's not like she does anything. she just lies there and makes noises: djhg asgfg dkggh. like that. it's kind of cute until you realize it loosely translates into PICK ME UP AND WALK, BITCH, OR I WILL SCREAM LOUD ENOUGH TO WAKE MY BIG SISTER AND THEN YOUR LIFE WILL REALLY SUCK.

so lately i stay up until 3 am pacing the halls, hitting "refresh" on my browser and shaking my fist at the cruel gods. i also have been reading about all of the excellent BlogHer shenanigans and cursing my penis. oh how much better this blog would be if only i had a nice rack. or something.

sleep deprivation is eating my brain again. this much is clear. i need to stop typing now before i say something really stupid. or, like, threaten my readers that i'll grill babies if they don't add me to their blogroll or, better yet, they should close their eyes and think of me when next they make sweet love to their special partners.


Blogger j said...

I am not one of your regulars that abandoned commenting on your blog. I just found you. A week ago. Your hilarious and a brilliant writer. You don't update enough. I have checked your blog for a week and there was no updates for 3 days!!! Anyway, the new baby and having a 3 year old excuses you. For one day. Maybe.

7/23/2008 6:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I, too, am a new reader. Working my way through the archives and totally IN.LOVE with you in a completely non-stalkery, non-affair-wanting kind of way. I'm not a big commenter but hey, have one on me :) Sounds like you could use it, what with the babies and all.

7/23/2008 8:27 PM  
Anonymous MetroDad said...

Never apologize for being a comment whore, bitch!

And more imaginary scenarios about you at BlogHer. Now, I'm just picturing you with nice tits and it's freaking me out.

P.S. I'll e-mail you later about Project DWTWIA (Drinking While the Wife is Away.)

7/23/2008 10:13 PM  
Blogger Mark said...

I know, those first few weeks SUCK! And my husband was just like you, I would hit the sheets at about 7:30 and he would hang out with our 2nd little one (our 2nd daughter, I might add) and watch the winter olympics - she was born 1/31/06 and do the bottle feed and hand her back pre-dawn. So first - i would say, you have done it before - you know the haze clears at about 12 weeks, you can do it!!! and you are doing a great service to mrs nice guy. Those post-partum weeks are a mess.

Anyway, love your blog - it makes me laugh, and with 2 girls - mine are 4 and 2, I totally relate. I first found your blog when my 2nd daughter was born with a hemangioma - and I, in my post-partum haze (and hemangioma terror), spent hours googling "hemangioma". And your blog came up - and we did the laser and all that. But I am sure your daughter is doing great, as is mine.

Your blog rocks, you have a great sarcastic sense of humor (which I totally appreciate and used to practice myself, until I became a stay at home mom and it became much more difficult - limited audience, etc!) I send links to your blogs to my friends with kids all the time.

So anyway, enough with the fan worship, sorry about I Breeder but like you said, this site is all you. And - two little girls rocks. Wait till little Calla gets older, and the two have their first sleepover in big sister's bed - I know you can hear your heart melting now.....

7/23/2008 11:51 PM  
Blogger ann said...

O.k. I am so doing this for you nice guy. I read so many blogs and come out of the hedges for almost no one. Your appeal is shameless but effective and you deserve any wretched wordage we lurkers can squeeze out of our sensitive little brains.

What if you were to raffle off useless household items, small, no dna attached, etc.....and have the "winners" pay shipping, etc......angela of fluid pudding raffles off socks, etc. of course, she is a multitalent and the socks are newly knitted by her own hands.......we would not ask as much of you. You could use a p.o. box for necessary privacy, etc.
Is it breaking any blogger rule to ask posters to drop your name in posting to other blogs?

What about printing up a a daddy calendar with fun things to do with the sprouts. Moms have calendars, why not Dads........people would buy could add pictures you take around park slope.........

Another idea would be for you to pick a time and place and have mr. nice guy people tape a 8x5 card to their sleeves saying what else!!! mr nice guy blog............ picture a starbucks awash in these folks with your blog if not their hearts, on their sleeves (I suggest you remain anonymous if you decide to turn up.) You knew that already right? Of course.

Anyway, I would love to have you continue to blog as you are in my top two in the blogging universe....congrats on the new baby!


7/24/2008 1:10 AM  
Blogger anonymom said...

I am personally jealous that you had the cajones to troll for comments.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to return to the corner of Skokie & Golf. This "Will you be my friend" sandwich sign isn't gonna sell itself.


7/24/2008 6:49 PM  
Anonymous westcoastmirror said...

I like to think of myself as your less talented west coast equivalent minus the blog - we have a threenager and a 5 week old and I marvel at the similarities in our experience. In fact, I may just print up your parenting blog entries, change your threenager's gender to male and the drink of choice to sauvignon blanc and try to convince my son that I did indeed chronicle his formative years (which I didn't, I meant to, I so did.)

So I haven't commented because what would I say? "oh hey, me too" 47,000 times? But now I am officially amazed by the similarities. Our 5 week old makes noises all night too. I didn't even know babies did this - the endless grunting, sighing, cooing monologue with no evidence of disease, discomfort or cause. I cannot figure out what it means, except that I don't get to sleep til SHE SHUTS UP... I mean she is a delight.

If you figure out the cure, would you blog it please? Unless the answer is "enjoy the baby years - it goes so fast and someday you'll miss it" because then I would have to harm someone bearing a resemblance to you, and my husband doesn't deserve more abuse than he already gets.

OK, that's all. Sorry it's long. But hey, you wanted comments. Watch what you wish for.

7/26/2008 10:51 AM  
Anonymous M@ said...

I think we all need to stick together :) I've been in the sleep deprivation state myself, thank goodness it was a LONG time ago.

I hear you for getting comments, I thought it was just me starving for them. Hope this helps, I'll be reading more often now:) You should thank MetroDad for the link to your site, that's how I found you.

7/27/2008 12:51 AM  
Blogger Sally said...

Maybe if you didn't wish us all adieu at the beginning of Baby girl nice guy II gestation more people would be commenting. So glad that you are back. I, breeder didn't fill the void of the mr nice guy blog :)

7/30/2008 10:20 PM  
Blogger candace said...

Oh, oops. I missed the other post. I've been reading this here blog for years. Years, I tell you! And I love it. Also, things will get better and when your youngest is eight years old you will watch videos of when she was a newborn and her brother was three and you'll ACHE for another baby because holy fuck, those were ridiculously cute kids back then. Oh, except I guess there won't be a brother in your videos.

Carry on!

7/31/2008 1:43 PM  
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