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Tuesday, July 22, 2008

ahem. don't make me do what i am about to do.

the birth of my second daughter has been an occasion to reflect upon my life, my marriage, my expanding waistline, my deepening debt, my broken libido and the cold sweat of my tremor-filled insomnia. it has also been an occasion to read old entries in this here blog-o-rooni, which has been something of a trip down memory lane. reading old entries has been like revisiting myself when my first child was born. i've enjoyed seeing how things were going at the five week mark last time around. gotten a chuckle or two out of my naive young self. i am grateful to myself for keeping this blog going for so long. also, reading those entries has made me realize something: my prose contains, at its essential core, a shimmering brilliance. a glimpse at eternal truth.

you know what else i realized? i get waaaay fucking fewer comments now than i did three years ago. and for that i blame myself. and you. mostly you.

this is a call to arms if ever i have heard one! you are basically telling me that i have failed you, readers. sure i quit for a few months, i have taunted you with abandonment. i have pretended not to care. but in truth i am nothing if not your humble servant. a really, really humble servant. i amaze myself at times with how pure my humility is.

but i feel i need to give you a sign, because you are ungrateful. let me renew my commitment to you! let me reaffirm your faith! mr nice guy is on bended, battered knee for you. speaking of which: i, breeder is dead. i never really wanted to do it in the first place -- writing about my home life for any publisher other than myself made me deeply uncomfortable. also, at work i'm not allowed to type things like FUCKMEAT SHITSTAIN BITCHBUBBLES!

so instead i'm gonna launch a digital media type webbie blog-jigger for my employer, whom i love very, very much. got any ideas? please let me steal them.

meanwhile, i will keep doing my thing over here. i will make this blog bigger, better, stronger and dirty wordier than ever before. it's going to be so awesome that you're going to go insane and hurt somebody you love very much. but first ... leave me a comment or i will grill and eat my newborn child.


Anonymous Brenda said...

Sorry to see I, Breeder die. Don't quit on MNG though or we will hunt until we find you...

Seriously, reading this is as close as I can get to therapy. And dude, I totally need therapy.

7/22/2008 6:59 PM  
Anonymous JRM said...

Unfortunately I don't know nothin' bout no digital media.

7/22/2008 7:20 PM  
Blogger Alexis said...

MNG, I have always been a loyal reader and will continue to love your genius prose and insight into having committed to procreation until your cyber-corpse flesh knee dissolves.

I heart your blog. x x x

7/22/2008 7:27 PM  
Blogger Dana said...

me too, love it, read it via the rss feed, even. thats devotion in my book. congrats, belatedly, on kid number two!

7/22/2008 7:29 PM  
Blogger S said...

i love your blog... just haven't had as much time to comment (and do the word verification and all that jazz)

I read every time you update ;)

7/22/2008 7:51 PM  
Anonymous Barbara said...

dear kind, sweet, demented sir whom i love to read so very much: thank ye for blogging here. i don't comment enough but i will in the future. pinkie swear.

7/22/2008 8:04 PM  
Blogger Ruby Tuesday said...

I think I've been reading since before the first girl was born. I'm not entirely sure why I don't comment, it's possible I'm just laughing too hard to type correctly. I can't tell you how sad I was when you went on that little hiatus, thank God I never deleted the bookmark.

7/22/2008 8:24 PM  
Anonymous Walking With Scissors said...

I've been reading since your oldest was about the same age your newest is now! I rarely comment (and when I did, it was under a different name - my old and now defunct blog) but I have you on my Google reader. I even kept you there when you abandoned us all in hopes you'd come back one day. :)

Also? Part of my word verification is "bewb" Heh.

7/22/2008 8:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yay, hooray! The comment box finally came up! :) So I'll just say Keep Up the Good Work! We enjoy your blog and have it on Feeds.

7/22/2008 8:58 PM  
Anonymous MetroDad said...

Even when you stopped blogging, I still came here every day. Strange, eh? I'm just glad you're back in form, my friend.

7/22/2008 9:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

dirty wordier! dirty wordier!

7/22/2008 9:28 PM  
Blogger mr. big dubya said...

Yeah - what Metro said - I kept thinking my reader was lying to me or you changed your feed or maybe it was just habit. What ever it was, glad you're back on the mng front and congrats, once again, on the new daughter. Lucky you. Two girls. Heh.

7/22/2008 10:01 PM  
Anonymous Kelly said...

If I have to leave a comment to ensure that you will continue writing, here it is. I swear you are the neediest blogger ever -- but you are worth it.

7/22/2008 10:23 PM  
Anonymous Paris said...

I've been reading since before the original Baby Nice Guy was born, though I don't comment often (no excuse, just lazy). My first daughter was born a few months after your first, and my second daughter was born 4 months ago. I'm so glad you're back so I can further annoy my friends and loved ones with MNG stories. Oh, and ditto what anon said: dirty wordier!

7/22/2008 10:26 PM  
Anonymous Sun said...

Dude, you can't eat a newborn! They're too scrawny. You should wait 'til she's at least 6 or 7mo to get the ultimate chub going first. :-)

I've had you on my Google reader, too...just waitin & waitin for posts. Not much of a commenter though, sorry about that.

7/22/2008 10:32 PM  
Blogger Gringcorp said...

I put one on the other post about the albums. It took ages.

7/22/2008 10:52 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

Been reading since the bitter beginning. Nope, that doesn't sound right.

At any rate, I am a loyal and adoring fan, but I myself have much less time to comment with my own second child wreaking havoc on my computer time. Granted he is 14-months old, but he was a lot easier as a lumpy newborn.

FUCKMEAT indeed.

7/22/2008 11:11 PM  
Blogger mr. nice guy said...

ok, fine. FINE. i believe you. thank you for humoring me. i am a simple man, you see, but a deeply insecure one.

i crave your crumbs. your delicious little commenty crumblets. your, dare i say, CUNTY CRUMBLY COMMENT CUNTCRUMBS!!!! also: cunt!

MAN that feels so good.

7/22/2008 11:17 PM  
Blogger SETH said...

I used to comment sporadically.

But now that I've seen your WiiFit video review, I'm all amped up to comment ALL THE TIME! AND IN ALL CAPS!!

7/23/2008 12:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just found your blog when looking for any info about children suddenly not sleeping at night and its driving me crazy. Found you post about it and it made me smile. Have spend the last couple of hours reading your blog and i have now bookmarked it. Its brilliant..

7/23/2008 12:44 AM  
Anonymous Lisa said...

joining the chorus of enablers ...

7/23/2008 1:42 AM  
Blogger Simon said...

I'm still here. Glad you are too.

7/23/2008 3:09 AM  
Anonymous justdawn said...

I don't comment much because I am mostly invisible, here on the interweb...but in the interest of preventing you from grilling and eating Sweet Baby Calla...I am leaving you a comment, now:)

Yours was one of the first blogs I ever read. Been a faithful reader since before Freya was born. I am glad that you are back:)

7/23/2008 3:47 AM  
Blogger Lesley said...

I'll comment ....but promise you won't ever do one of those Wii Fit videos again.

7/23/2008 4:04 AM  
Anonymous hissychick said...

What Simon said.

7/23/2008 5:55 AM  
Anonymous Amy said...

Oh sure, start and quit and start again and you expect loyalty? Plus, it's not like you are writing about lactating David anymore. (That was some funny shit right there.)

Even if I held a grudge about the "break" I'd still come back. Dude, I even read I Breader and Mr. Nice Guy concurrently - while the content was the same.

7/23/2008 6:43 AM  
Blogger Alabaster Mom said...

The threats! The confrontation! Where is Mrs. Nice Guy? I'm telling!

7/23/2008 6:45 AM  
Blogger Hugbert said...

Awww, here have an ego boost...

7/23/2008 7:09 AM  
Blogger Kara said...

I've heard that some fresh rosemary and lemon zest really enhance the flavor of grilled newborn.

7/23/2008 8:01 AM  
Blogger Julie said...

I am going to tell the vegans you said that.

Clearly I have never really liked you at all.

7/23/2008 9:22 AM  
Anonymous Jenny said...

Comment! Comment! Please don't grill the baby. The toddler is older and will have leaner meat.

I've lurked here for a long time, and I was excited when you came back from hiatus. I look forward to more curse-tastic tales from the dad side of parenting.

7/23/2008 10:11 AM  
Blogger Monica said...

MNG, I love you and your peeps so much. I was so happy when you came back here. Please don't ever go away again.

Thanks for the new curse, too.
rolls off the tongue nicely.

7/23/2008 10:27 AM  
Blogger Pandechion said...

What? Dude. No. We love you. Shut up.

7/23/2008 10:30 AM  
Anonymous Tamara said...

There is no better word then 'Bitchbubbles'

7/23/2008 10:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I may be the only person on here who started reading your blog because I was nearing knee surgery. I have no children, however I find myself checking your blog daily. It's fantastic birth control. Thank you MNG :)

7/23/2008 11:03 AM  
Blogger Elizabeth said...

I love reading this blog. Please keep it going. I hate the absence you took for a while.

And maybe you should quit reading quite so much Jonathan Swift!

7/23/2008 11:48 AM  
Blogger Robbin said...

You must keep blogging. Or I will lose the one and only dose of Testosterone in my blogroll. I may be forced to get another in the interests of my Equal Opportunity quota system. Wouldn't want to do that.

7/23/2008 3:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The first MNG post I read was the labor and delivery of your first child and have been a reader ever since. Even when you abandoned all of your faithful readers i kept you bookmarked and did not give up hope that you would return. I am glad to see your renewed commitment. Now stop groveling, and start blogging.
And by the way, dirty wordier is ok, but that last word...ewww...I HATE that word.

7/23/2008 5:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When you quit posting frequently, I checked the linkage and discovered your other writing gig. Wow, like, dude, we are not the only people who think you write insanely well. You actually feed your children with this skill. And you hobnob with famous people and draw out their whimsical sides, an additional skill. I have none of that crap so I come here to learn me some new words to make me seem all bitchbubbly. Keep it up.

7/24/2008 2:55 AM  
Blogger Amanda said...

You crack my shit up. Don't stop blogging.

7/24/2008 9:52 AM  
Blogger anonymom said...

I find newborns are best roasted at 350 for 2 hours over a pan of water & rosemary...wait, do AAAAALLLL these comments mean you won't eat her? :-)

We'll make sure you continue to feel loved so the baby doesn't get it. There's some nugget of brilliance in there about how feeling neglected leads to eating your children FIGURATIVELY...but I'll leave it to me to be literal and lame and for you to pull out the brilliant.

Huzzah for the shitfuck!

7/24/2008 6:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I appreciate you and your bloggy goodness! Don't tell the others, but I prefer your honest look at parenthood than the happy-all-the-time goodness I get from those I've-got-a-rack bloggers. And you make me laugh.

7/25/2008 1:33 PM  
Anonymous d.Sharp said...

We don't often refer to it as such, but my three year old asked for Crack Spackle by name yesterday and I thought of you! { I mean that in the nicest way possible.}
Best, Denise

7/25/2008 7:37 PM  
Anonymous angie said...

woa. That's all you have to do to get 43 comments? 44. i'm impressed. . .

7/26/2008 7:58 AM  
Anonymous Shylah said...

Dude, you've had me since "Seamus McMucus Pluggity O'Snotcork". I work in childbirth (sometimes) and never miss an opportunity to share that little piece of comedic gold.

7/26/2008 10:24 PM  
Blogger Corrin said...

If you're still needing the love, I've been reading since just before Baby Nice Guy the First made her appearance, when my first was a baby and I hurt myself laughing so hard at your blog.

Then I read it out loud to my husband and he had the same reaction. I think your post about the Tea Lounge permanently scarred him. At least, that's what he says when he looks up at those light-shades.

7/31/2008 2:47 PM  
Blogger Antipodeesse said...

We would NEVER abandon you, the way you abandoned us.....

Thank God for your increased dirty word quota. I'll be counting!

8/04/2008 7:40 AM  

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