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Monday, May 05, 2008

on recidivist procreation


we have a few friends whom we know because they had their first kid around the same time we had our first kid. we met through a neighborhood "new mommy" list that my normally misanthropic bride signed up for about three years ago. turns out to have been a good move -- the people we met are fantastically wonderful and, now, three years into parenthood, our only social acquaintances. it's amazing how one's social life reorganizes itself around one's proclivity to spawn. the frequency with which i carouse with single friends has greatly diminished over the past 36 months. so, too, has the frequency with which i drink to excess (somewhere other than my kitchen/office/crawlspace), pass out and urinate on friends' couches, fornicate with dudes/goats, and generally ever see single friends other than over lunch or because they're my colleagues whose mere existence mocks my life.

well! now, just like us, our baby-friends are beginning to spawn anew. in fact. we're not even the first! we have one friend who had baby numero dos just two months ago (on valentine's day! awwww, sweetness!). another good friend delivered her second boy just after that. we have a third friend whose first child was born within a couple months of our first child, late spring 2005. they had child number two ... a year ago. meaning they had a baby when their first unable-to-rationalize/cope child was barely (not even?!) two.

we, as you may know, are expecting Child 2.0 sometime between five minutes and eight weeks from now. i, being journalistically inclined, did some cursory interviewing of these fascinating Recidivist Procreators. here are some of the pearls of wisdom i have recently picked up:

1) "i always thought having a second baby would make life marginally harder. i mean, we've done this before, right? yeah, well, it doesn't make just a little bit harder. it makes them exponentially harder. it makes like freakishly more difficult."
2) "will you please fake my death so i can come live in your crawlspace? all i want is sleep."
3) "i couldn't find the baby's shoes this week and my wife was at work but she wasn't answering her phone and so i got really pissed ... and i sort of kicked my bedroom door down."
4) "well. it's been a year now and i feel like i am just becoming human again. sorry for falling asleep in the middle of that sentence."
5) "you know how you look at people with no kids and you hate them? you hate them because they can go out to dinner at any time; you hate them because they get to see movies; you hate them because they stay up past 11 and they still complain about their meaningless little lives. right? well when you have two kids, you hate people who have only one kid. you despise them. they have no idea how easy they've got it."

and so in conclusion: my little passionfruits ... please fake my death so i can come live in your crawlspace. i promise the sound of my weeping won't disturb you too much.

7 Comments:

Anonymous hissychick said...

Oh come on now mng, you have nothing to worry about. As another member of the two with an age gap of less than two and a half years club I am here to reassure that it's great! All the time! A breeze! The little darlings get along so well! Sleep perfectly! Never get sick! You'll be fine!

MWHAHAHAHAHAHA....

(Now excuse me while I weep quietly onto the keyboard after yet another night of broken sleep thanks to the ten month old whose screams woke the three year old meaning I had to tag team between them both for most of the night).

5/05/2008 8:18 PM  
Blogger Katie said...

Faking your own death? Brilliant! I just wish I'd thought of it earlier. Mine are turning three and one this month.

5/06/2008 9:41 AM  
Anonymous Matthew Miller said...

It's true, every word. This week my wife and the little one are in Indiana with the maternal grandparents, and I'm here with the oldest one. I had forgotten how easy life is with just one. Why, you can basically parent one child while sleeping. And I am!

5/06/2008 11:01 AM  
Blogger Kristina said...

MNG- I've read your blog for what seems like forever now and this little entry is what finally compels me to de-lurk. I have two girls 18 months apart (well 17 and a half if you want to be technical). They are 5.5 and 4 right now and it is a blast. They fight and scream and pull hair too but for the most part they enjoy each others company. When #2 was an infant though? Hmmm that part is more of a blur. I remember lugging the carseat up 3 flights of stairs and #1 sitting on the steps and refusing to walk up herself for whatever illogical reason she had. There was much strained muscles, cursing and sweat involved in that resolution. Anyways, know there is a good light at the end of the tunnel. Seeing the two of them dance around and ride their bikes together is worth the earlier trauma.

5/06/2008 9:45 PM  
Blogger Tricia said...

HA!!! Thanks for the laugh. My only son is 8 months old now and every once in a while, we contemplate the idea of having another one soon (hey, we aren't getting any younger!) but then I have a night like last night (baby's teething with no new teeth to show for it) and question my sanity...

5/07/2008 12:39 PM  
Blogger Corrin said...

Mine are 23 months apart, and honestly the first one was so goddamned hard that the second was this amazing peach in comparison. Now they're 4.5 and 2.5 and tear-ass around the place playing together and the burden of amusing my eldest has been taken off my hands by her little brother! Everybody wins!

5/08/2008 2:08 PM  
Blogger anonymom said...

Hmmmm, the first year of parenting the 2nd sounds a lot like the first year of parenting the 1st...only satan-ier.

I have had friends and family tell me what corrin and kristina said, that once you can get past the infancy, it really does ease the overall burden to have more than one around. They can turn those attention vacuums on each other. 'Course, it could just be a conspiracy to pull everyone else into personal hell...

5/10/2008 4:12 PM  

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