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Monday, June 23, 2008

so. that happened

so it turns out that as i was typing my last post my wife was indeed laboring laboriously under the laborlicious pains of laborly labor. wow. what sort of shitty husband pauses to update his pathetic blog, read by an audience of tens, when his beloved bride is in the earth-shattering throws of birth pains? don't answer that.

anyway. labor was happening. the sitter had been warned earlier in the day that something odd was abreast (no pun intended) and that she should be at the ready. she should have the Bat Phone charged and the Bat Mobile fully fueled, only instead of Bat Phone and Bat Mobile she should really consider a cell phone and a taxi ... must more realistic when you get down to brass tacks. and that's what we were apparently down to. about an hour after i typed that post, i put our older daughter to bed (because my wife was too busy having contractions: clue number one that something was up). once baby nice guy (who will now heretofore -- which is a great fucking word -- be known as Big Sister Nice Guy) was in her crib, talking about mermaid princess queens and glow-in-the-dark dragons or whatever it is she's into these days, i returned to my wife. this was at about 8 pm. she had assumed child's pose and was making a noise that went like this: KJJJJJSSSSSSSSSS GUUUH FUCK THE WORLD'S FACE mnnnnnnnnnnnguu.

so i called our midwife. our midwife, it should be noted, was out of town for the weekend. she told us on thursday "oh, by the way: i'm going out of town this weekend. don't go into labor." and we were all like "hahahaha. oh my god, we're screwed."

naturally, wife was in labor. we called the midwife's emergency number and Substitute Midwife answered the phone. i was all "hi i'm mr nice guy. um, mrs nice guy's husband? yeah. um we don't know you and you don't know us but we're pretty sure she's in labor." and the Substitute Midwife was all "who?"

great. just fucking balls out great. i explained to her who we were. she said "ok. call me when you think you need to go to the hospital." and i said "awesome. thanks. just what the fuck is it that you do again? because we thought it was your goddamn job to tell us when to go. she could be 8 feet dilated for all i know."

i hang up and called the sitter. "ok. you need to get here like FIVE MINUTES AGO." she says "ok. i'm in Bay Ridge. no problem." god i love our sitter. wife looks up at me with watery eyes. i know this is a special moment. she parts her dry lips and whisper-shouts: "I WANT TO UNLEASH PAIN AND DESTRUCTION ON ALL LIVING CREATURES. DEFINITELY ESPECIALLY YOU."

well. shit on a stick. i pack some bags, pausing to fix my wife a bagel and get yelled at. then i stop and put on the shirt i was wearing when my first daughter was born. just because.

the phone rings! it's the Real Midwife! she says "i'm on my way back from vacation, pulling off the jersey turnpike now. heading to the hospital." AWESOME! she asks me to hold the phone up to my wife as she has her next contraction -- she wants to hear how far along things are. i do this even though i am pretty sure it will get me killed. wife makes a noise roughly equivalent to that of 10,000 undead souls locked in purgatory being unleashed to feast upon the brains of retarded husbands who hold the receiver up to their wives in the middle of a contraction. the Real Midwife says "sounds like labor! see you at the hospital."

fuck. fuckity fuckery foo!

i call the sitter. it is now approaching 9 pm. she answers. "hey! i'm just waiting for a cab. i had to stop by Target to buy a change of clothes for the sleepover."

i think this was the exact moment that my brain imploded an began leaking down the back of my throat. i'm not positive though. so i say to her "next time WE'LL LEND YOU A PAIR OF FUCKING SWEATS. be here. now." at this moment, i do not love her very much.

we wait for the sitter to arrive. actually, i wait. my wife is temporarily inhabiting in a parallel universe where waiting has not been invented. shouting has, though. the sitter arrives. we tell her to hold the cab. she holds the cab. i help my wife down the stairs and while i do this the sitter apparently puts the luggage into the back seat. i know this because when i go back into the house to get the luggage my wife tells me the luggage is already in the cab by saying "THE FUCKING LUGGAGE IS ALREADY IN THE FUCKING CAB."

so we get in. we tell the cabbie: long island college hospital! he says "i live in manhattan. i don't know where that is."


we look up the address. he rolls. he gets us there with a quickness that would make andretti blush. i unload the car -- wife, luggage and all. i tell him i'll pay him for the sitter's fucking trip from fucking target and i'll pay for us. he says it's on him because of the miracle of life (or probably more precisely: the miracle of not breaking water all over his back seat). i like this guy. i pay him anyway and give him a fat tip. we limp through the emergency room doors, my wife pausing once to have contractions and wish malice upon me. everyone parts like the red sea. one dude walks by, family of eight straggling behind him. he looks at me and says with a rueful smirk "congratulations, man." then he rolls his eyes and keeps walking.

we get to the delivery room floor. the nurses shout something about "active labor" and usher us into a room. wife is stripped, poked, drawn of blood, asked questions and mugged for her wallet. the Real Midwife arrives! we all shed tears of relief. it's about 10:45. wife labors in tub for a bit. her water breaks. it's time to start pushing. the midwife says "let's have this baby!" i ask her if she thinks the baby will come before midnight because i'm pulling for the kid to be born on father's day -- because after all, this moment is all about me, a very very small man. the midwife is all "oh yeah, no problem," as if i insulted her by thinking this labor would last longer than 2o more minutes. wife, sitting on my lap at the edge of the bed, pushes. she screams. it's awesome. wife panics. she says she can't do this. the midwife says "actually you have to do this because the baby's heartrate is dropping. i want her out on this push." and then, boom, the baby is born.

we cry. the baby cries. she looks alarmingly like our first daughter. everyone is fine. i take pictures and make phone calls. and cry.

it was, hands down, the best father's day anyone's ever had.

more to follow!


Anonymous Cathy said...

Congratulations! On the baby, not the extremely funny post. Great post though.

6/23/2008 11:37 PM  
Blogger Victoria said...

Congratulations, Family NG!

6/23/2008 11:42 PM  
Anonymous hissychick said...

Congratulations nice guys! Looking forward to the more to follow too.

6/23/2008 11:58 PM  
Anonymous toddlerdaddy said...

Congratulations on the child - and for surviving the birth, I know I still flinch everytime my wife (hi Hissychick) goes to give me a hug as I think she is reaching for my throat again

6/24/2008 1:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How totally awesome - congrats!

6/24/2008 1:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Beautiful! Congratulations allemaal!

6/24/2008 3:51 AM  
Blogger Kristine said...

whoohooo congrats!

Just saw this last night and when I read your post I immediately thought of you!

Free Born Free bottles for a year if your baby is born on fathers day. They are expensive suckers! Feel free to send me a sippy cup if you are so inclined. ;)

6/24/2008 7:49 AM  
Anonymous Pam said...


6/24/2008 8:50 AM  
Blogger mr. nice guy said...

rad, kristine! thanks!

and thanks to everyone else. instead of comments, leave money! or just comments is fine too i guess.

6/24/2008 9:56 AM  
Anonymous Andrew said...

Congratulations to the whole NG family. Your account bought tears of happiness to my eyes.

Sounds like Mrs. NG did this drug-free, as did my wife - very impressive.

Uh, your comments form doesn't allow me to leave money - you need to work on that.

6/24/2008 11:01 AM  
Blogger Menchuvian Candidate said...

Twitter earned its keep this week.

Congratulations! Next year for father's day we'll try to call you names, or brew you an extra special poopy diaper, or summin' just to keep the momentum.

6/24/2008 11:11 AM  
Blogger BrooklynGirl said...


6/24/2008 11:17 AM  
Blogger Monica said...

Congratulations! And that's an awesome story!

6/24/2008 11:25 AM  
Anonymous Matthew Miller said...

This definitely ranks up there in the best-birth-story posts I've read. :) Congratulations!

6/24/2008 11:27 AM  
Blogger Lisa said...

awww, and now I cry too! Exciting, funny, and touching birth story - thanks for sharing that with us.

Congratulations Nice Guys!

6/24/2008 12:11 PM  
Blogger Fairly Odd Mother said...

I knew your birth story (well actually your daughter's birth story) would be awesome. Thank goodness you didn't lock anyone out of the apartment when trying to leave.

6/24/2008 1:46 PM  
Blogger Trish said...

Congrats, NG family!

6/24/2008 4:28 PM  
Anonymous Ryann said...

I've been lurking for a long time and I just have to say congratulations on your new little girl and what an awesome birth story. =D

6/24/2008 5:31 PM  
Blogger MommaSpaz said...

Congrats :) What a wonderful fathers day present! I actually teared up at the end. Thank you for sharing :)

6/24/2008 7:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Congrats mr nice guy. As the parent of 2 girls, I can tell you without a doubt that it will be great (well...once you get through those 1st few weeks:!)

6/24/2008 8:04 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Grumpy said...

Rock On Family Nice Guy! Hands down one of the best birth stories ever... Congratulations.

6/24/2008 8:43 PM  
Anonymous Erica C. said...

Bowing gracefully!

Congrats MNG!

6/24/2008 10:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yay and hooray and congratulations to Family NG!! Especially to Mrs. NG because she did such an obviously insanely awesome job getting that kiddo out. And welcome to Baby NG 2.0!!!
MNG... you may not have hundreds of thousands of readers (but ya never know), but those of us who do read you have been clicking in like 6x DAILY waiting on this post, believe me!! You rock!!!

6/24/2008 11:51 PM  
Anonymous d.Sharp said...

Congrats to the Family Nice Guy! Hope you are doing well!

6/24/2008 11:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Congratulations from one reader who has been checking in several times a day for an update!! Yay Nice Guy family!

6/25/2008 10:14 AM  
Blogger Amanda said...

This post completely cracked me up - as someone who has been through the lovliness of labor, I also completely understand your wife's POV. Congrats!

6/25/2008 10:18 AM  
Anonymous angie said...

best birth story ever. How do you daddys do that?

6/25/2008 1:02 PM  
Blogger Sara said...

Congrats to all!

Great job from MNG & a pretty good job of telling the tale from you.

6/25/2008 1:07 PM  
Blogger S said...

SO glad to hear the birth story. Are you going to let us know the name or keep us in suspense? It's cool if you don't, but I loved Big Sister Nice Guy's name...

Congrats again!!!

6/25/2008 6:22 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

I was noticing not much action at that other place you blog so I decided to see here if you were writing, and yippee! I pop in on a birth story! Congrats!

I went into labor on Mother's Day (which was my due date!) two years ago, but my daughter missed it by less than an hour. I wonder if there were any great free deals for Mother's Day babies that I missed out on.

6/25/2008 11:11 PM  
Blogger Childsplayx2 said...

Congratulations! It couldn't have happened to a... nicer guy. (Sorry, couldn't resist)

6/26/2008 1:57 AM  
Anonymous Shylah said...

Congrtulations. :)

6/26/2008 11:10 AM  
Blogger Kara said...

Woo-hoo! Congratulations, nice guys. Well done.

6/26/2008 4:40 PM  
Blogger samantha said...

Belated congratulations. And I can't tell you how much I love that you wore the same shirt.

6/26/2008 10:30 PM  
Anonymous Jenn said...

Tell Mrs. Nice Guy, she will never forget the pain of precipitous labor. My second was that as well. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel during that 43 minute labor. He is 4 and I am still told, "you were so lucky it was a fast labor." I have 3 boys and that middle one seriously was horrific. Congrats on the perfect baby. Congrats on getting through a difficult labor.

7/07/2008 11:32 PM  

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