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Tuesday, April 22, 2008

gettin' jizzy with it

i subscribed to a little semi-daily e-mail newsletter like three years ago.'s Word of the Day. heard of it? pretty cool. anyway, i signed up before i was receiving 91,654 unsolicited (and semi-solicited) daily electronic missives. almost every day for three years i have received a note from the good word-o-philes (if only there were a word for "word-o-phile" ... i wonder where i could look it up?). over those three years i have learned one or two good new words from the service, so i am loathe to unsubscribe from what might otherwise be considered in-box clutter. i like learning new words. sometimes i try to work them into conversation. like the time i tossed "Apothegm" around with the reckless abandon of a word-tossing asshole.

so anyway, i am cleaning out my e-mail today and what do i spy? a recent cache of unread words of the day. oh goodie! learning time! let's see. what did i miss? "Watershed," today's word. bah. that's not worth the free subscription fee. "Wafture?" now you're catching my eye, if only slightly. "Cacoepy!" awesome. i wonder how that's pronounced.

hmm, let's keep scrolling. "Accrue." meh. "Manumit" heh -- not too useful these days. "Bootleg?" boring. "Acerbic." "Jizz." "Bromide."

wait. hold on. scroll back one.


no, scroll back one more.


yeah. you read that correctly: Jizz.

the nerdy-ass word-of-the-day e-mail i subscribe to sent me the word "Jizz." there it is: Jizz in my, uh, in-box, tucked demurely between offers to "Grow your Meat Hose" and e-mails claiming to be from my own penis. so, naturally, office servers be damned, i opened the e-mail. how, i wondered, was the usually-reputable going to define "Jizz."

i'll tell you how.
like this: "The immediate, characteristic impression given by an animal or plant." immediate animalistic impression, indeed. isn't there a better, less deeply-confusing word or expression for this. like, i don't know, "first impression?" i mean ... i have apparently, without knowing it, given total subway strangers on my daily morning commute my "jizz." around here they arrest people for less.

i wonder how the good people at suggest working "jizz" into a sentence. hmm, let's find out ... i swear to baby moses in the basket that i'm not making this up:
Suggested Usage: The experience of recognizing something in an instant without understanding how you do it is a common enough experience, so this word deserves wider usage. "I tell you, she was walking a fox on a leash--it was like seeing a dog with the jizz of a cat." When you recognize an old friend who is walking away from you on the far side of the street, you are responding to his jizz - why not tell him so? "Leo, since you had that bad haircut and the surgery on your knee, you have developed a unique jizz."

i am going to try this at work tomorrow: "You know, Helen, with your bloodshot eyes and the way you are walking this morning in that rumpled skirt -- weren't you wearing that yesterday? -- I'd say you've got some funky new jizz in you."

or maybe: "Say, Peter, those exceptionally tight jeans and the rapidity with which you hit Alt-Tab when I walked into your office without knocking have combined to give you a jizzy vibe today."

my theory is that the webmaster was unceremoniously laid-off recently and this was his jizzy way of getting back at his erstwhile employers.


Blogger Hillary said...

Sadly, I must report that this definition of jizz also appears in the OED, with similarly colorful and mind-bending usage examples.

I think that was the first time since sixth grade that I looked up a dirty word in the dictionary. Except I guess it's not really dirty.

4/23/2008 12:20 AM  
Blogger The Walshes said...

Oh joy! I noticed this link was still in my favourites....glad you're back..even though that might be uber old news...

Hmm...pretty sure I will use Jizz tomorrow.

4/23/2008 12:46 AM  
Blogger Elizabeth said...

"funky new jizz in you"...OMG....lost my coffee on that one....!!!!

4/23/2008 2:21 PM  
Blogger Fairly Odd Mother said...

Oh, my, who thought a dictionary could be so funny? Please update this post if you do end up using the word in a sentence. I want to know how it was received.

I once almost drove off the road when we were listening to a quaint 1800's audio book (the story, not the audio book), and the author said one of the characters "ejaculated". My kids couldn't figure out why I was laughing so hard over someone shouting.

4/25/2008 2:50 PM  

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