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Tuesday, September 25, 2007

for every season turn, turn, turn

hi! it's fall now! has it really been a week since my last post? wow! i suck! here's five new things:

  1. sonny rollins is undefeatable. superimpossible. beyond.
  2. i was at my friendly corner bodega tonight and the guy was watching tv. here's the conversation we had:

    "holy shit! that's john laroquette! from night court! his hair is all white! when did he get so ooooold?"
    "him? this? this is boston legal! great show!"
    "oh my god! candace bergen too! and william shatner! fuck! everyone looks bloated and 90!"
    "you don't have tv?"
    "not a tv that gets reception. long story. short answer: no."
    "yes, i understand. i only get basic cable for al jazeera. 10 minutes of al jazeera every morning and every night. i need it. tv is crap but i need al jazeera. and boston legal."

  3. here's the conversation my daughter and i had at the mail boxes etc. store yesterday. i went in there to send a fax for work. as i was writing the note, ever-present coffee cup in my other hand, she engaged me thusly:

    "what's doing, daddy?"
    "i'm writing a note. i need to send a fax. then we can go to the playground together!"
    "what's that man doing?"
    "him? he's going to send the fax for me, sweetie."
    "HE HAS A PENIS???!"
    "shhh. yes, i believe so."
    it gets better. the man in question set up the fax machine, dialed the number and brought his own very large coffee cup over to us. he smiled at my daughter.
    "hi," he said. "my coffee is bigger than your daddy's."

    oh, hell no. i thought.
    IT'S ON, MOTHERFUCKER!

    "coffee bigger?" she asked me pointing at creepy-strangerman's 32 ounce cup.
    "yes, sweetie. his coffee is bigger than daddy's. but that's because he's SO MUCH OLDER. when daddy gets VERY OLD LIKE HIM, his cup will get bigger too. but at least DADDY'S COFFEE WILL STILL BE STRONG."

  4. here is something i'd like your input on: mrs nice guy and i had taken the tot to the tot lot the other day. we were all minding our own business, playing on the monkey bars. then my kid saunters over to a neighboring family. as it happens, everyone in the neighboring family is MORBIDLY OBESE and the mother is feeding her own 90-pound three year old dorritos by the bagful. not my problem, i figure. until, that is, she offers my kid -- MY HEALTHY DAUGHTER -- a fistful of solid lardchips WITHOUT ASKING US. my kid, being a kid, took the chips and wolfed them down. i was pissed.

    "Mama Cass over there just fed our kid a bunch of chips without asking us if it was ok! it's not ok!"
    "relax. it's a chip. she'll live."
    "but Shamu-mom didn't ask us if it was ok!! i would never give a toddler food without asking her parents permission first! fuck! i am having a stroke!"
    "you know what, mr nice guy?" asked my wife, because now she calls me mr nice guy, "you're what's wrong with parents today. just chill out."
    "BUT IT'S THE PRINCIPLE! FUCK! ACK! COWLADY DIDN'T ASK FIRST! FATCHIPS! DAUGHTER! PIGFAMILY! CONTAGIOUS CARDIO-CHUB-ITIS!"

  5. finally, this: mrs nice guy worked late tonight, so i put the kid to bed. i read her 29 books, sang her dutch lullabies and left her 3 elmos to cuddle with. "night-night, daddy," she said as i left the room. officially off-duty, i changed clothes and poured myself a drink. then i passed by her room and put my ear to the door. here is what i heard her sing, by herself, in the dark:

    "twinkle baa-baa, little star. how i wonder what you are. you are my sunshine, my only sunshine. you make me happy, when skies are great."

    i stood there and, in all seriousness, i was stroking the door. i was thiiiis close to tears. because she is her own person now. here she is, doing her own thing, on her own time, in her own room. my heart almost burst from the ridiculous pride, the irresistible cuteness, the plain sadness of it all. when did she get so big? how can i possibly always protect her? why must she hurt, feel alone, grow old and die?

    most importantly, what channel is boston legal on?

22 Comments:

Anonymous Damian said...

the boston legal comment at the end? emotional deflection, pure and simple and i'm calling you on it!

i totally know where you're coming from - i felt the same when i caught my daughter singing her 'baby' a toddler version of "twinkle twinkle little star". made me ten foot high and bullet proof.

good things at this age mr nice-guy, all good things.

9/26/2007 12:35 AM  
Anonymous sally said...

That last bit is gorgeous. Wonderful and awe-ful and gorgeous.

9/26/2007 1:18 AM  
Blogger Simon said...

Me too. Our daughter sings her own songs last thing at night and first thing in the morning. Breaks my heart.

9/26/2007 6:26 AM  
Blogger mr. nice guy said...

damian ... fair point, but one man's emotional deflection is another man's comedy GOLD!

9/26/2007 7:54 AM  
Blogger Shalini said...

I think I love you Mr. Nice Guy!

9/26/2007 8:20 AM  
Anonymous BrooklynGirl said...

Timely post....I teared up the other night when my son sang "Twinkle Twinkle" with his own unique spin on the lyrics to my husband. Damn, toddlers are cute (when they're not infuriating).

(I wouldn't have minded the chips, and I have been known to offer part of my son's snack to others in the vicinity without checking with caregivers--it's generally less offensive than lardchips, but not always.)

9/26/2007 9:33 AM  
Anonymous MetroDad said...

I hear that "Boston Legal" is much funnier in the original Farsi.

As for Mama Cass? How dare she feed your kid Doritos? That's bullshit. Payback is a motherfucking bitch. Next time you see her, start shoving her kids's mouths with normal Brooklyn food (like organic hummus or gluten-free tofu bars!) Then, get up in her face Kool Moe Dee style and shout, "How ya like me now?"

Let me know what happens.

9/26/2007 9:39 AM  
Blogger mr. nice guy said...

WORD UP, md! word the fuck up. (although my kid prefers the tofurkey-kale nuggets)

9/26/2007 10:18 AM  
Blogger Julia Woods said...

Aw, so cute.

By the way: my coffee is bigger than both a y'alls. Just sayin.

9/26/2007 11:09 AM  
Anonymous cc said...

how dare cowlady feed baby nice guy doritos w/o consulting you?! that is so wrong. so wrong on so many levels.

almost worse than my mil cutting my baby's hair w/o telling me. almost.

9/26/2007 2:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG. Never ever offer someone else's child food....and never ever let someone tell you NOT to say something to someone who offers your child food. Ever hear of ALLERGIES people? Life threatening kinds? Maybe your child is older, but ours hasn't 'graduated' to nuts yet--what if that woman had fed your child something and she had a reaction? What if YOU gave someone else's child food and the kid had a reaction? How many ways can you say lawsuit?!?!

9/26/2007 6:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I thought the "my coffee is bigger than your daddy's" was going to be followed from the wee one, with a penis remark. ... well that would follow. 'would have been very funny. and charming.

9/26/2007 7:51 PM  
Blogger cape buffalo said...

I loved the made-up lullaby days.... now she hears snippets of Fergie songs at friends' houses and sings those.

Look into homeschooling now.

9/26/2007 9:17 PM  
Blogger kate said...

On the one hand, I am not likely to offer wee ones food without parental OK, but really because of allergy issues.

On the other, I am much less concerned about lardocity; one handful of Doritos will not make your kid suddenly grow Stay-Puft-Marshmallow-Style. Unless your kid has allergy problems, it's so not worth the anyuerism-inducing-freak-out.

What would you have said if the mom asked if your daughter could have some chips?

9/27/2007 3:17 PM  
Blogger kate said...

Also? The mom was fat. She's (probably not) the reincarnation of Vlad Drakul. Neither is she carrying a virulant strain of typhoid with which she can infect your daughter just by waving some corn chips at her.

Your kid might learn to be uncomfortable around (nay- be unable to look at) spectacularly fat people soon enough. Probably without your help, in fact.

So I wouldn't worry about it.

9/27/2007 3:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't know, Kate, it sounds to me like he'll be happy to help her fat-phobia along.

9/27/2007 3:54 PM  
Blogger mr. nice guy said...

kate, please. anonymous, double please.

if big mama had asked i would have said yes. the real issue here is not the fat so much as the fact she didn't ask. (fuck, just about all my kid will eat is mac'n'cheese, but at least i'm the one who decides when and where she eats it.) and i was kind of appalled that this woman was shoveling multiple bags of fritos and whatnot into her own toddler's face, but hey, that's her choice. me? i happen to care about my child's health and what she puts into her body, be it fatty or high in sodium or what have you.

anyway, don't patronize me with your faux-outraged concerns about my daughter's future body-issues. i happen to like my ladies with a little meat on their bones. a LITTLE SWERVE IN THEIR CURVE. you don't know me kate and i don't know you, so go treat yourself to a bag of ruffles and leave me alone. that goes double for you, anonymous.

9/27/2007 5:24 PM  
Blogger Fairly Odd Mother said...

First, the coffee-cup incident is awesome.

Second, offering a child-you-don't-know food is hugely stupid with so many food allergies around these days. My oldest is allergic to milk, so this family could've had the pleasure of watching her scream and claw at her face as soon as the 'cheesy goodness' of Doritos hit her tongue. I would've freaked out too, but as Oreo eaters, I don't think I could've done it on the basis of our 'healthy lifestyle'.

9/28/2007 8:14 AM  
Blogger kate said...

Oh dear. You'rerightyou'rerightyou'reright. What an unforgivabley snotty thing for me to say.

A "sorry, long day" doesn't even make up for it. This is especially true since I don't even say "hi" to people's dogs without asking their owners first.

But "sorry, long day" anyway.

9/28/2007 11:30 AM  
Blogger mr. nice guy said...

no hard feelings kate. it felt good to let it all out. i was having a long day too.

high five.

9/28/2007 11:45 AM  
Blogger kate said...

Right back atcha.

9/28/2007 12:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow. this whole thing has made me think. I was working a craft display today and I had 2 freebie cupcakes in front of me. and this little chubby girl, about 7 or 8, was looking longingly at them. and I offered her one. now I feel kinda terrible, b/c she took it and ate it and her mom wasn't even around. I'd better think twice about doing something "nice" like that in the future--didn't even occur to me to ask her mom. but, she was a bit older... is that okay? when can you stop asking? and she was kind of on her own... how much effort should you make to ask?

and I am constantly fighting a little bit of fat phobia in myself. thanks to my phobic, skinny grandma. it's ugly and I'm working on it.

9/29/2007 9:28 PM  

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